I have been ruminating on this quote all morning. My thoughts and feelings about it are mixed. On the one hand, it has come into my life at a time where I can truly appreciate it. On the other hand, I fear it has come too late.

In my past, it would have terrified me. To be “needed” used to be an uncomfortable burden to my mind. The responsibility alone was unnerving. I couldn’t understand the beauty of such a situation. Instead I constantly worried. It was a worry brought about through fear.

In the depths of my being, I was afraid of letting others down, of not being enough and of being exposed as a fraud. Yes, a fraud. Unintentionally, mind you, but a fraud because I was terrified of “needing” someone, anyone. In my warped mind, I had always expected to be let down, to be rejected, to be hurt. The idea of giving that much power to someone else was inconsiderable (considering they would eventually destroy me).

Sadly what my conscious mind wasn’t aware of was the fact that somewhere along the way I had gotten myself into that situation. I didn’t realise it but I had come to “need” one person in my life. I believe that is what sent me off the rails 2 years ago and what affected my behaviour to become so deranged. I look back and am ashamed at just how unhinged I had become. Worse I am appalled I didn’t even know what was really going on.

When the dust began to settle, I came to terms with this insight. I began to feel a calm wash over me. A contentment of sorts that I cannot explain. I know now that my fear had focused my thoughts on the being “needed” and blocked out my own “need”. That, unfortunately, prevented me from arriving at acceptance before chaos took hold.

So now there is a new fear. Acceptance and understanding have come too late. See, I am a romantic – too much so for my own good at times. But I believe that while one can have adequate relationships with various partners, we actually only have one true love. There is one person you are simply meant to be with and without whom life is just experienced, not lived. A bit old-fashioned I know but if you ever find that one extraordinary person for you, you will understand.

Psaryce x

Simple gestures can make such a difference to one’s day. I think I have only been to Sainsburys once in nearly a year (well since my car died last March). It was so nice to get out to a shop without the hassle of a long walk and a bus! Despite the store being crowded and reminding me how nice it is to point and click my way through the shopping list, it was still good to be among people.

After blitzing Sainsburys, another kind offer came my way. Would I like to drop my shopping off at home then get taken back to the village? Oh yes please! Not only did this allow me to get rid of the heavy bag (I’d forgotten I wasn’t going straight home), but it also meant I could pick up my shopping trolley thingy. This was extremely helpful since I needed to pick up a few more things that would cause the walk home to be a tad of a struggle (especially since my feeble legs were already aching and starting to wobble).

So I had a good day out. It was a pleasurable change from the norm. Plus I just know that Karma will repay my friend three-fold for the generousity shown to me this day.

Psaryce x

NB: I am immensely glad I got to take my trolly as I found a few bargains at the charity shop – amongst other things, 3 flower pots (@50p each) and 5 more Agatha Christie books in the 10 bin (how did I miss those the other day?!?!)

Now I find myself in a position I’ve never been before. I regret a whole load of things I did over a period of a year or so. I regret not only my actions but my reactions, thoughts and words as well. I also regret a few things I have done or said recently. This feeling is so foreign to me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how it has happened.

It had been lingering under the surface for weeks but then it hit me suddenly yesterday and with such force bringing guilt in its wake. I didn’t handle it very well I must admit. It felt like my soul had been stabbed violently several times. I could do nothing but sob. I tried to reach out to the one person who matters despite knowing that was the one person I had done the most damage to. Also I was going about it the wrong way. That made me feel foolish and more guilty so I sobbed even more.

I haven’t felt that down in months. Usually my pattern of depression is that it builds for a few days or a week before I get trapped in its clutches. It gives me time to fight it. But last night it just pounced on me mercilessly and without fair warning. I awoke this morning with a pounding head; feeling like I have the worst hangover of my life. I feel drained, depleted and ashamed.

Depression is tricky like that. You start making progress in your life. You begin to feel better, more in control and even happy. Then something can set it off and you feel back to the beginning again. It is an awful disease. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

And now in the cold light of the morning I still have to figure out what to do with all this guilt. I think I’ll start with some Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.

Psaryce x