Laundry Love

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Maybe it’s my age but I find that little things are usually better than the big stuff. The stuff that is ordinary in our day-to-day lives. Things that seem insignificant but when you stop to think they are what makes you smile.

Don’t get me wrong. I could go out for a day and have a lovely time doing this or that. It could be very memorable but that’s just it – it will only be a memory. It won’t happen every day. It won’t catch me unawares and make me smile quite the way that some things do.

Fresh laundry is one of those little things for me. I simply love the smell! Whether it’s folding the newly dried items, dressing in the morning, getting a clean towel out or changing the bed linens, I cannot help but smile when the scent hits me. No matter what the weather is doing outside, inside I am transported to a summer’s day full of sunshine and warmth. Perhaps that is why doing the laundry is my least hated household chore.

I can’t explain why. It isn’t just the scent or I’d like doing the dishes more than I do. I’ve tried many dish soaps and my favourite is an orange scented one. I could sit and smell it all day long. It’s fresh, lifting and I truly love it. But it doesn’t inspire me; it doesn’t make the job any easier for me. Not like the smell of laundry does.

It’s strange that – how one scent can do so much and be activating and another, just as loved, isn’t. I never really sat and ponder about this before. Now I am intrigued. I wonder if it is because laundry items are more tactile. I mean we don’t go around sniffing our dishes after all. But laundry items whether it is clothes, towels or linens are all things we can grab hold of, bring them to our face and inhale the aroma. Laundry, when you think about it, is all things that we wrap ourselves in. The clothes we wrap our bodies in, the sheets we snuggle into at night.  You can’t cuddle with the dishes but material items, they can be like little hugs.

Think about what little things make you smile. Stop and take the time to enjoy them. Consider why they make you smile and how they make you feel. Try to find one little thing each day that takes you away for a moment and transports you to another place.

 

Psaryce xx

Routines Are Good

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Despite being called a “free spirit”, I like routines. They help keep me grounded. They help my brain to think a bit more orderly. I gain a sense of purpose or meaning to my existence. I have a vague morning routine and one at night.

In the morning, I stumbled down the stairs and go straight to the kettle. Once that’s going, I venture to my desk to collect yesterday’s cup and switch the computer on. Back to the kitchen to make the cup of life then I go sit down at my desk in the conservatory. I browse through the posts on Facebook as I light up a cigarette and take my first sips of the sweet, creamy coffee in my cup.

I peruse the “On This Day” posts and share the ones that make me laugh, smile or which I still feel strongly about. I set a sage incense stick burning and start playing a Chakra healing CD. Then onto Outlook to weed through the emails that accumulated overnight.

On days I blog, this is the point where I start. Other days, I write a list of things to do during the day. Twice a month (now I don’t have wheels to get out), I order my groceries online. Every Friday, I have to get going more quickly as I have to get to my therapist appointment. I don’t usually blog on those mornings as I am too filled with anxiety.

After that, well that is where I get all confused and don’t know what to do. Even though I have a “To Do” list, I struggle. I know I have hours ahead of me to get things done and have no sense of priority to do them. Most days I only get 1 or 2 things done – if that. I try to list 6 tasks every day. But without being held accountable, I rarely do much of anything.

In fact, I honestly couldn’t tell you what I have actually done most days. I often have rough nights where I don’t get much sleep so I feel drained the next day. It’s hard to get motivated when you feel like you were up all night. Sometimes the disturbed sleep is from my diabetes. Sometimes it’s from pain. Other times, I can see no reason at all why I wake every hour. So I often have a nap during the day on the couch. I choose the couch so I don’t sleep too long – it isn’t that comfy.

There is so much I want to do but can’t seem to find the energy or else I’m distracted by pain. It is frustrating. Sometimes it is fun stuff, like crafting, but I don’t feel I deserve to play before I get the work done. So often the fun stuff never happens.

At night, I normally take a drink upstairs and get ready for bed. I take my medicines and then I call my Mommy. We talk for about an hour each night catching up on our days or just generally chatting. After that, I usually read a chapter of whatever book I’m reading at the time. Then it’s lights out with the hopes that this will be a good night. That I won’t wake until morning has come.

So I have my mornings and nights sorted. It’s all the hours in between that I need to structure better so I don’t feel like I am lost and just wandering. Do you have routines? What are they? Do you have any advice for me on how to get my days organized?

 

Psaryce xx

Rode The Bus and Now Half Dead

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So this Friday gone, I did it! I succeeded where I had previously failed. I took the 2 buses to get to my therapy appointment. But of course all did not go smoothly – do they ever?

Fortunately it was a dry, sunny day. I set out a bit early so I could stop at the shop before the first bus arrived. I get there and discover that my bank card wasn’t where it should be! I didn’t have it on me. The night before I’d sent my daughter to the shop with it and turns out she still had it in her coat pocket. This I only discovered after frantically trying to top up my phone so I could send messages. Frantic because first I didn’t like being out with no cash on me an second because Vodafone’s menu system is a nightmare. Plus I was cold and really wanted to get my gloves back on.

The bus came and I used my bus pass for the very first time. I was worried it wouldn’t take it (another reason I wanted some cash on me). But the little light went green and I was on my way. I have done this exact route into town many times a few years back but still was on the edge of my seat the whole way. I did my best to just look out of the window and breathe. I listened to some relaxing music on my headphones but just couldn’t relax. It helped though.

In town, I left that bus with a “Thank You” to the driver and set about walking round the corner to where I was to get the second bus. I was early so stepped away from the people and had a cigarette. There was a bus sat in the bus lane with “Not In Service” on his sign and a delivery van a bit further down blocking the lane. It made me nervous that I wouldn’t see my bus coming. It caused a bit of chaos and a back-up on the road as buses tried to squeeze into the little space left.

I nearly missed my bus because I was so worried about it coming that I almost didn’t notice the “Not In Service” bus had started up and was the one I needed. My anxiety was heightened on this journey as I had never ridden it before. I knew where I needed to get off but struggled to remember the landmarks of the road (I have driven up and down the road many times before). A young man got on in a rush to get to hospital as his partner was being induced that morning. He was a nice guy and talking helped me a bit to cope with my anxiety.

I got to my stop and got off. My plan had been to go for a coffee in a cafe since I was 40 mins early. But no bank card foiled that plan. So I set off for my therapists office. I hadn’t realised while driving this was uphill. My hip was already in a lot of pain from walking first thing and the jolting of the buses. And the wind was blowing strongly. Uphill and into the wind for 10 minutes. I arrived for my appointment 30 minutes early. Frozen to the bone. The receptionist took pity and made me a cup of coffee. I was very grateful.

Afterwards, I found the right stop and made it back to town. I decided that instead of rushing to catch the bus home, I would meander a bit. The next one would come in just over an hour. So, I went to the bank and withdrew some cash over the counter. I treated myself to Taco Bell for lunch. I posted some letters. And I bought myself a new dress and socks. A bit more relaxed I went to the stop and caught my bus home.

The walk home was hard. I was in a lot of pain by this point and felt completely drained energy-wise. I got in my house, dropped everything and collapsed on the couch. I slept for two hours. When I awoke, I was still tired but able to manage a bit better.

Since then, I have been useless. Between exhaustion and pain I have done nothing but rest and recover. It’s two days later and I’m now just able to write. All of this has meant that I haven’t yet been able to enjoy my success. I haven’t been able to pat myself on the back and say “Well done you”. My brain doesn’t really work like that. It is more apt to say “People do this all day everyday – you’re nothing special. This is no great feat”. Now my mind is already filled with “But can we manage next Friday?”. I do wish it would just stop for a moment sometimes and feel the good stuff before worrying again.

 

Psaryce xx

The Need For Others

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So I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking and analysing lately. I’ve been trying to get out of another rut of depression to be honest. Problem was I didn’t even realise I was in quite as deep as I actually was. I thought it was just my usual winter-hibernation mode that I go through annually. But in talking to some people, I realised it was more than just being introverted.

Thanks go first to my soul sister Lesley for telling me what’s what. Despite being in severe pain, she talked with me through some things and brought to light some simple home truths. Basically she kind of gave my a kick up the bum and told me off. Sometimes I really need that and am so grateful that she does this for me. She pointed out that the depression had its grip on me again and that I needed to do battle against it. I love our relationship. I love that she can see what I need and tell me. Not dithering or dancing about the subject – just straight forward advice that is much appreciated.

Thanks also go to my sister Donna. We share a lot of similar issues in our lives and so can really relate to one another. Again we have an openness that allows us to speak freely. But where Lesley is straightforward speaking, Donna is more of an analyst. She asks probing questions and gets me thinking about things from a fresh perspective. In speaking with Donna, my mind is challenged to think about things in a different way. This opens up further opportunities for me. It expands my thinking and therefore allows me to grow.

To goes to show, me at least, the value of having the right people in your life. Ones who balance you out. Ones who can be tough with you when needed, ones ho can open your mind. Neither of these conversations were simplistic but were both deep and meaningful. I cannot say in words just how grateful I am to have these two beautiful women in my life. I value our relationships to no end. Thank you both.

 

Psaryce x

 

Failure

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I tried. I really tried. I had it all planned out and it was actually quite simple. Walk to the bus stop. Catch the #3 into town. Get off bus and wait 5 minutes. Catch the Uni6 into Portswood. Get off bus and walk round the corner.

The anxiety started the evening before. I even had a proper panic attack that evening. My heart raced, my mind raced, I shook all over, I was sweaty and clammy. The worse scenarios ran through my mind. I would miss the bus, my hip would give out and I would collapse in a heap of pain. The bus would be late, I’d miss the change to the second bus. People would look at me – or worse try to speak to me. I’d get lost or confused. I wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain in my hip and knees. I’d be over anxious about being so far away from home and have no control over getting back. I’d be too much of a mess for my therapy appointment. I’d throw up from the anxiety. I’d have a panic attack while out in public. I’d cry in public.

On the morning all this was exacerbated to extreme levels. I had several panic attacks. One from just going upstairs to get dressed – I thought it’d be an easy thing to do – non committal and simple. But no, that sent me off the edge. I felt stupid and pathetic. I couldn’t even face getting dressed. I stayed in my pyjamas.

I talked through it with a dear friend. I felt guilty and ashamed and embarrassed. I felt I had let my therapist down. I couldn’t even face calling to apologise. The worst was the hour I was meant to be there. I felt utterly let down by myself. Screw everyone else – I had let myself down by not being able to do something I’ve done many many times (okay not in years but still). I was completely disappointed in myself.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I want myself back. The me that can do things. The me that doesn’t always cower away at home in her pyjamas. I want the me who loved going out and doing things. The me that loved to push her limits and challenge herself to do more. Yes, I’d like to be that me again.

 

Psaryce x

I’m Done!

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im-done

 

I have decided that enough is enough. I am tired, frustrated and somewhere within me I have snapped. I have tiptoed around, bit my tongue and tried to be uber diplomatic most of my life. Enough I say! I’m done!

I don’t do new year resolutions so I won’t call it that. But in the last few weeks a shift has occurred inside me that I cannot ignore which has changed how I react to things. And this is a very good thing for me.

I have sent too much of my life feeling like a doormat. Too long chasing after relationships (all types). I’ve had enough of feeling disrespected. Enough of biting my tongue to save other people’s feelings. Too often giving in to what others want and sacrificing my own wants, needs and desires. What has all that “kindness” gotten me? Nothing! Nothing except heartache, loneliness and pain.I get ignore, accused behind my back of things that aren’t true and I get lie to (or told half-truths which are worse than lies to me).

So now I have gone through this transition after being a bit of a hermit the past few weeks. I had lots of time for soul searching even though I didn’t realise I was doing it. But I did spend time thinking about how others treat me, how they upset me and how it made me feel. I didn’t like a lot of what I found.

This morning I awoke. Not just from a good night’s sleep (rare) but also something inside me has awoken. It feels like I might respect myself a bit more and that I can demand respect in return. I feel a wee bit stronger. It’s an odd feeling for me since I have such low confidence and esteem (try looking for mine below the floor). It’s a bit scary too as my mind wonders “will this last?”. I like it and want to build on it. I hope that I can.

Regardless, for now, expect to hear the truth from me. I won’t be wrapping up my advice and comments in cotton wool any longer. It doesn’t mean I intend to be unintentionally harsh but just going to call a spade a spade. No kid gloves. I won’t make excuses when someone screws things up – I will tell then what I really feel. Oh geez I just realised – I’m going to adult!

 

Psaryce x

Reflecting on 2016 & Welcoming 2017

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2017

Overall, I am thankful. I have survived a year full of chaotic ups and downs. At times, I wasn’t sure I could make it through. At other times, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to – yes I have been that low many times this year. There have been some highs as well so I guess 2016 wasn’t all bad.

It started out bad though. It started with a battle between me and the DWP to get assessed for ESA (employment and support allowance) since I couldn’t (and still can’t) work due to health issues. The stress and anxiety of having to go through the assessment was bad enough but it was made even worse by them turning me away one time even though I had an appointment. That meant I had to go through the same anxious-filled process all over again. To be fair the first time wasn’t their fault. Someone I had considered a friend for many years let me down at the last minute – I had been counting on him for a lift to the appointment and support during it (RIP friendship #1). My ex, bless him, tried to help but that was the appointment they turned me away. It was an awful few months trying to get it sorted. In the end 2 very good friends went with me and gave me the support I needed.

Those 2 friends (Lesley and Daz) are one good thing that happened in 2016 for me. We’d met the previous summer but only really began growing our friendship in February. Lesley and I would chat about the many things we have in common and our relationship bloomed. There are many times I have to thank her for helping me out of ruts and potholes and big gaping craters this year. We have spent many days relaxing, chatting, gardening and more – especially in the Spring and Summer when we would kick back in my garden and just be.

While gaining these friendships, I seem to have lost yet another. A woman I classed as my best mate suddenly blanked me. She stopped speaking to me without even giving a clue as to why. I still don’t understand it but I do miss her (RIP friendship #2).

During the first part of the year, I bought 2 cars. First a little Nissan Micra which I got for a steal but then didn’t like how the clutch stuck so put it aside for Hoovy and bought a Vectra. Big mistake. But more on that later as there were other vehicles woes to deal with first and for that time at least, the Vectra was running.

My daughter’s bike (50cc ped) was stolen in June! The police were less than helpful (cheers guys!). We loaded up social media with images of the bike and pleas for information. Eventually we struck gold. But it wasn’t an easy straight-forward affair. Nothing ever is in my life.

11pm on a Friday night, my daughter and I foolishly set out to explore some local woods where it had been spotted. With only our phones for light, we walked (I stumbled about) looking for it. We didn’t really know the area – in fact I had never been there. I think it took an hour but we did find it. That was only the beginning though as it was properly stuck in 6 inches of mud at the bottom of a hill – we like to call it The Mud Pit. An hour later, daughter exhausted and phones giving out, we left it there. We returned with help the next morning and they got it out and back home. She decided to keep it as a project.

4 weeks later, it was stolen again – this time they broke the locks on our gate. We couldn’t believe it. The damned thing didn’t even start and they stole it anyway! Police, helpful as always, found it, had it recovered and then bothered to ring us. She told them to keep it. Why should she pay £150 to get it back when they found it less than a mile from our home? The victim is victimised by the police just so they can try to take our money. Robbing from the poor are we Police?

Around June, I had a bit of fortune fall and we excitedly booked flights to go to the USA! There was a lot to do to prepare. For starters our passports. A trip to London on the bus sounded the best way to go. Only our bus was late getting in and after a nice day in the city, we missed the bus back (it’s okay just got the next one). But the day exhausted me entirely.

The trip itself was a chaotic whirlwind of non-stop going and doing. My favourite time was on the beach – it was heaven! I love the water; it is one of the things I miss most about home. Seeing everyone after so long was amazing but didn’t come without incidents. My anxiety and panic were severely raised during one event and I didn’t cope very well. Only 2 people seemed to notice or else the rest simply didn’t care. In the end I was verbally attacked by my eldest sister in front of everyone. Needless to say that relationship also ended this year. I simply don’t need fake love in my life.

After the trip, it took a while to recover from the travelling and then I hit rock bottom. After being so busy and around people 24/7, being back home alone was difficult to re-adjust to.

Also on my return, I had to deal with the Vectra that died 4 days before we left for the trip. Luckily I still had the Micra. At least I did until just before Xmas when it failed it’s MOT big time. To the tune of £450 to be exact. So I finish the year without wheels and 2 dead cars sat outside. Oh and my daughter’s bike also broke – it sort of runs but not safe to drive. So we’re both wheel-less.

This year, my baby turned 18 and entered adulthood proper. She found out it’s not so easy quite early on. But I think she still had a nice birthday, got to go out to clubs, had a nice meal with her boyfriend’s family. She also lucked out on gifts as she got a tons of her favourite brand of makeup and lots of other lovely gifts.

For her the gifts kept coming and she had a great Xmas as well. I was delighted with my gifts (including a bottle Chocolate Bailey’s – yum!). New pyjamas are always welcomed from me and I even got a lovely pair of kitty slippers.

So 2016 wasn’t all bad but I’m still happy to see it go. For me the bad outweighed the good and so I hope the new year will bring more stability, calmness, happiness, more fun times and that it will have a bit of magical sparkle to it.

So long 2016 ……. Hello 2017!!!

 

Psaryce x

PS: nearly didn’t get this finished as my mind has been struggling to sort through everything that happened this year and process a lot of things I have yet to accept.