Reactions of the Blind

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Following a recent incident where I felt harassed by someone I used to call a friend and which caused my anxiety levels to go through the roof and spawn off two panic attacks, I have been thinking. As you do. And I came to some conclusions.

Firstly, when you cannot see the hurt and harm you cause others, it is easy to feel rejected and used. People react to the way you treat them and when you do things knowing they will cause upset, they will instinctively retreat from you. Usually, they will not say anything or try to explain because they know it would be a pointless act.When someone cannot see the effect of their actions, they cannot listen either.

For example my recent situation … a man sent me a message late the other night. It didn’t make much sense to me (and several others I showed were just as confused by it). In the message, he appeared to be implying that I should not have a car in order to pay him money … suggesting it would be cheaper for me without it. This is not true as I have so many hospital appointments at present and it would cost me a heck of a lot more in taxis (I cannot use the bus due to my anxiety). Anyway that is what the message seemed to be saying but I couldn’t say for certain.

When I didn’t reply (no point as I could tell he was at the very least drunk again), he began to pester me with more messages. Again by the tone and content, I saw no point in replying as it would only spur him on and I quite frankly haven’t the energy. But then he began calling the house … 5 calls in 15 minutes and then I truly felt harassed. I rang the police and got a report number. I was terrified at this point that he would turn up at my door in a state of drunkenness. He has done this before despite knowing my anxiety of unexpected knocks at the door so it wouldn’t surprise me if he did it again.

I don’t cope with confrontation and certainly not one where alcohol is an influential factor. It takes me right back to my childhood and my alcoholic father shouting the odds at all hours of the day and night. Panic sets in. I want to hide, I want to flee. At present the best I can do is lock myself into the house and hope all will be well. But I jumped at every sound from outside … a car door closing, people walking past, etc. This is no way to live. Trust me, this is me everyday without being hassled by people I have no desire to speak to.The behaviour of this man only make it a thousand times worse.

On the advice of the police, I sent 1 message to him. It said “In an effort to make this very clear … I do not wish for you to contact me in any form. Please do not call, message or come to my house. I am writing this on the advice of the police.” The policeman told me to contact them again if he replied or contacted me in any way after sending this message. He did of course so now I will have to ring the police back and give an update.

By the way, I don’t owe this man anything but even if I did, his behaviour is unacceptable. Why? Because he knows my situation, knows I am vulnerable and have anxiety and also that I live alone with my daughter. I feel like prey.

 

Psaryce xo

 

Brain Dump

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For weeks I have had a multitude of thoughts running through my head but I lack the focus to record them properly. I’m in a sort of self-analysis mode and trying to find my way through all the bullshit that clogs my mind. I seem to be anxious about everything little thing these days an jump at the most ridiculously mundane stuff – like the microwave pinging.So I thought maybe I’d try and spew some of this out in a blog post as a way of detoxing my head. It could work! Maybe!

Frustration over my physical limitations at the moment are at a high. Everything is a struggle so when I do feel a tiny bit better, I tend to push myself far too hard. I pay the consequence though, don’t worry. I’ve had a whole 2 “good” days in the last 4 weeks. FFS! I am only 47! This morning I put a load of laundry into the washing machine. The basket of dirties was right under the hole where you stuff items in so it wasn’t like I had been lugging it around all through the house. I just went over and stuffed the clothes in and added the soap then switched it on. Simple right? Not really. I felt unbalanced the whole time and struggled not to go ass over so by the time I was done, I had to sit down and recover. It wasn’t even heavy items and I had to recover from it?! Pathetic my mind says. But my body was insistent on the rest. My legs felt shaky and my anxiety levels were high (fear of falling over, whacking my head and no one around to call 999 before I bled to death). Oh my mind. My wonderfully neurotic mind loves to play these scenarios of the worst case. It’s so draining mentally and it never stops!

My physical battle to do simple things coupled with my warped mind makes existing a rather unhappy. I get so angry at people who could (and in my opinion SHOULD) help me get things done. I have spent majority of my life caring for others, putting everyone else first (at times to my own detriment) that I feel a little bit of “returning the favour”should be in order. I don’t know how to put myself first. I have responsibilities regardless of how I feel and I cannot ignore them. But I was raised to respect others and offer help whenever I could. So to be in this situation, where I get no help from anyone at all, just winds me up. I force myself to do as much as I possibly can for myself but for months now, it just isn’t good enough. I feel like a nothing. I don’t feel I matter to anyone, well not anyone that is close enough geographically to help.

That then leads to fury at some people who have all the household resources that would make my life a bit easier (like a dishwasher!) and who don’t have the physical barriers that I fight against constantly who complain regularly at how crap their life is. What I wouldn’t give to have their health, their physical strength! Yes I would still have depression and anxiety to deal with but to be able to do the dishes without having to rest every few minutes would make my life SO much easier! For the record, I don;t even have space in my tiny kitchen for a dishwasher so even if I had the money, I still couldn’t fulfil that particular dream.

Which brings us onto Dreams. I try not to go there as I find it too depressing. I cannot see anything occurring in my future to change my life in the drastic ways that I would wish. I’m stuck on low income and with no real resources to make a difference. I know that some big changes will come (like whenever Chrissy moves out) but I try hard not to think about them because simply acknowledging the impending upheaval tires me out. I have been trying to get rid of things I no longer need but even that is too much for me to cope with. I have several bags and boxes of stuff to donate to charity shops but I don’t have the physical ability to get it to the car. And now they have sat there so long it just annoys the crap out of me to see it everyday. Seeing it first thing in the morning sets me in a low mood instantly. Then I notice all the other things that need to be done (the floors need hoovering, the dishes in the sink, the dust on the shelves, the windows – omg the windows are dreadful!) and my mood drops even more. I get overwhelmed by it all and end up feeling paralysed and enable to act because I know I cannot do it all. I don;t even know where to start!

Well the washing machine has just finished so I guess for today I will have to start with the task of getting the laundry out and hung up somewhere. Besides, I have rambled on enough (even though I have barely explored the many thoughts I wanted to).

Psaryce xo

Finding Solace In Incense

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With all the turmoil I have been going through lately, I am very conscious of the negativity that has been dominating my life. I have been trying to do things that could help dispel it but keep running into obstacles, barriers and dead ends. It has me feeling like a turtle. I have tentatively poked my head out of my shell only to withdraw it back in quickly so as to avoid absorbing too many more negative vibes.

First I planned to attend a drumming healing circle. Unfortunately the organizer had a very sad family situation arise and had to cancel the event. Snap! Back in went my head as I tried to cope with their devastating news as well as my own feelings of disappointment.

I gave it a few days and then decided to grab an opportunity to go on a day trip to the magickal land of Glastonbury. For reasons I have previously written about, that plan also failed. I couldn’t get my head back into my shell fast enough!

The obligatory 3rd bit of “things come in 3” was finding out that my GP’s referral to the psychiatrist has been refused. She told me they don’t feel I meet their requirements. Since last August, my GP and I have been trying everything we can think of to get me the help I need for my anxiety and depression. We are both so frustrated now and have no idea what else we can try. I must admit this news hit me hard and my spirit took a dive into a downward spiral.

Then I spent some time with a good friend and started to feel a bit better. My swirling thoughts and emotions hadn’t intruded while I was visiting her so I had a lovely time. It was then I had the idea of us going to a fantastic little “New Age” shop one day. I have some bits and pieces I’d like to get (candles and such) and again my head began to taste the outside world. Also while visiting, I spied a book that spoke to me and she kindly allowed me to borrow it.

Over the weekend, I disconnected electronically a lot more than normal. I burned White Sage incense, lit lots of candles and played several of my many ambience music CDs. These range from Native American to Reiki, Buddhist monk chanting to Feng Shui. I had created a peaceful environment in which I read from the book, made some personal plans, wrote in my BOS and meditated using my Rose Quartz orb to try and clear/heal my Heart Chakra. The energies I received from the orb were strong and amazing but I still think I have much more work to do in order to free my heart.

So things were looking up again. I was connecting to positive energies again. I was feeling calmer. My worries were temporarily suspended as I focused on what my own Spirit needed. Then this morning arrives and with it reality. I had to accept that the house’s heating is playing up again and admit to myself that it’s been off for days. That means contacting my landlord about it – again! But worse, my financial troubles have once again surfaced with a swipe to my recently exposed face (remember I am like a turtle in this and my head has been peeking out to investigate my world). It turns out I couldn’t really have afforded to go to the drumming or Glastonbury and I won’t have anything spare for the bits & pieces I wanted to get at the NA shop either. I can barely get my rent paid and with other bills being due won’t have anything to spend on food. This is an ongoing struggle and I suck at juggling anything – especially money that I don’t have.

I have whacked on the ambient sounds again, lit the incense and am trying my best to not let this money stuff intrude on my newly acquired feelings. I had not reached even a balance of positive and negative but was heading in the right direction. It has taken many. many months to get to this point and I dread letting it slip away again. I want to stay in this cocoon I have built over the weekend. I feel cozy, warm and comfortable here. But I can’t stay here and I don’t yet know how to take the positive feelings with me when I step outside of this bubble.

Psaryce x

Unfathomable Question

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It’s obvious from my blog and posts on other social media that I have been going through a rough time the past few months. I suffer from deep depression, anxiety, panic attacks and also traumatic flashbacks of being raped and sexually abused. I don’t keep my mouth shut about any of it really. I write my way through my feelings and through situations. I share it all so they those who know me may understand me better and those that don’t may benefit as well. It might help some people to feel less alone in their own troubles. It could help others to understand someone in their life who suffers in ways similar to me. The point is, I don’t make it a secret.

Recently, I decided to have a day out. A trip with people I think of as ‘like-minded’ in their way of life. It’s the first time in months that I have gotten even the littlest bit excited about anything. I was looking forward to a nice day in good company. It was all settled. One way or another I would go and I was happy in having made that decision.Then it all changed.

I received a message asking would I mind if Mr X came too. The person asking knows I had a bad time of things with said man. I was a bit shocked to be honest. My feelings about this person are well known and the reasons behind them. My anxiety shot through the roof and panic set in. I hastily responded that I would not go if Mr X was to be there. I said that I understood that others wanted to prove he did not bother them but in my current poor health, I was not in any shape to cope. Next message said “I’ll sleep on it”!!!! WTF? What is there to think about???

Well I slept on it too and decided I no longer wanted to go regardless. I decided that even if Mr X wasn’t there, I didn’t want to spend the day with anyone who could be so unthoughtful. Mr X had posed as a friend of mine for a few weeks. In that time he lied to me about his past and present situation. He sat in my garden and indirectly slagged off everything that I am. But I let that pass. When he came over the next time, he tried to force himself on me while my daughter and another friend of mine were just outside the house. He groped at me and the harder I tried to push him away the more he seemed to enjoy it. When he finally left that day, I blocked him from my life completely.

I do not turn my back on anyone easily. I had let the slagging off drop without pressing him about it but I will never, ever tolerate anyone who tries to use physical force against me. It is unacceptable – end of.

So to find myself in a situation where I am being asked do I mind spending an entire day with this man baffles me. It upset me greatly as well. I am also a bit confused because he had also managed to upset others who were going. Why would they want him there if he had truly upset them?

I then got angry about it. I got angry that anyone could consider asking that of me. I tried to find a reason why they would and only found two possibilities:

  1. Purely financial because the more who attend, the less it would cost per person
  2. My feelings about him were not considered to be justified – perhaps I just overreacted

I would hate to think that the second reason was the truth. I have always thought more of the person who asked the question than that. I had thought them a more kindred spirit when it comes to emotional trauma. But then again, I would also hate to think that it was driven by money. Again I thought better of the questioner than to be financially motivated to that degree.

So I spent today with helping a real friend and no longer really care about the day out. She & I are planning our own adventure in the near-ish future. At least I know that she understands and can be trusted not to ask such things of me.

Some might ask why write this if I truly don’t care? The answer is simple. Writing gives me closure. In addition there is a small bit of hope in me that says perhaps by writing and posting your story on-line, you may help others to stand their ground or teach others not to ask indelicate questions or expect someone to consider doing anything they are uncomfortable with. Who knows, someone may even learn to put the feelings of others above financial gain.

Psaryce x

Self Sabotage

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I’m still feeling quite raw following the events of the week. I don’t think I’m in any shape to begin making decisions about my life though. Even so, there is a nagging voice within me that is pressing me to begin. Pressure leads to increased anxiety so my recovery is being sabotaged by my own mind.

That voice, I know, is one developed from societal expectations. It’s messages are all bullshit but so ingrained into my subconscious they still hold some sort of power over me. They barrage me with all the “You should do this”, “You should be this way”, “You ought to be better at life by now/at your age”, etc. In my conscious mind, I don’t believe there are set ways to live one’s life. Life comes in so many various forms and I don’t think we are meant to live our life in the exact same way as anyone else. Yet those deep-rooted concepts that have been collected since birth are hard to break free.

This morning, I struggled to find one good reason to get out of bed. I tried to think of things that had to get done but nothing that came to my mind seemed to be that important. Eventually I got up purely because I was no longer physically comfortable lying in bed.

There are loads of things I would like to get done today but my physical limitations make it too hard to accomplish them. Just thinking about the struggle required to do even one of the tasks plunges me into an even lower mood. At times like this, I often let go of my desires to tackle the every day jobs most people complain about but yet are physically able to do without pain or frustration. In a sense, I give up because there is too much to be done and I know I haven’t the ability or strength needed. I get overwhelmed and begin a mental cycle that loops from desire to change things to depression over lack of capability. This cycle drags me down rapidly as the depression side gains power. Ultimately, I am exhausted by the mental process and can do very little if anything.

Even through this, that voice clambers on berating me for being inadequate. It tells me I am a failure as an adult. I should have my act together by now. I act more like a child than an adult. I ought to snap out of it/get a grip.

I know it is a voice of the ignorant and the things it says are not true, I cannot seem to shut it up. Now is a time I need to relax and give myself space to heal but that voice is relentless and distracts me from obtaining clarity. I wouldn’t say it is a daily struggle. It is a minute by minute struggle which threatens to consume me.

Savaged

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I feel as though I have been standing on the shoreline while a hurricane passes over. I somehow managed to stay upright for a while but eventually was beaten down to the ground where I curled into a ball as the winds, rains and dirt pummelled my body, my mind and my very soul.

I am still there. Lying on the ground and tucked up tight. I cannot move from the beating and pure exhaustion. My mind doesn’t know how to process what has happened. Thoughts race through my mind but most don’t even register. I know they exist but not in the conscious part of my brain. I feel them as if from a distance. They are fluid and tumbling like a leaf on a rapid river. I am too tired to even try to grab one and examine it. I just lie there and that is all I can do.

My body aches. It has been thrown about the ground randomly in the wind. I vaguely recall driftwood smashing into me at times. I feel bruised from head to toe. Like my thoughts, the full power of the pain doesn’t quite register. It is as though I am remembering the sharp stabbing, the relentless assault through a veil. I am not numb; I feel the pain but it is on a different level of my being. It is deeper then the physical. It strikes at my spirit. I am beaten, broken and can do nothing but be obedient. Mother Nature has defeated me and I know I shall never be the same again.

 

The Foundation Collapsing

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When the base of your world vanishes and you find yourself plummeting and scrambling for a hold on anything at all that will stop the fall, you would expect there to be a sense of fear. I don’t feel that yet. I am numb. Perhaps I’m still in shock.

I’m no longer hurtling downward but I haven’t yet hit anything solid. I am sort of hovering, just dangling about in the middle of nothing. There are no conscious sensations of touch … no bottom, top or side. There isn’t even any air where I am at the moment. It is a strange sensation. If I’d been asked this morning, I would have said that I’ve been here before. I would have labelled this “place” as limbo. But I would have been wrong on both counts.

I’ve never been here before nor would I have chosen to be now or ever. It’s not a nice place. It isn’t the dark void of depression … it is far beyond that.It is a dead place. There are no energies positive or negative. I hear nothing, smell nothing. There are only two sensations. One is an acrid, almost metallic taste in my mouth. I feel dry to the core as if all the liquids have been sucked out of me. The other is the sight. I am surrounded and suspended in a marble of putrid green and black. It compliments the caustic sting in my mouth.

I know not how to escape this environment yet I sense that none of my skills in dealing with the darkness will be helpful. This situation will require tactics I haven’t learned as yet. I’m paralyzed – it feels as if every cell in my being is paralyzed. My vocabulary is limited to adjectives, my ability to think doesn’t extend beyond description. I cannot breathe but feel no need to – perhaps it is the thought of the obnoxious vapours entering my body that prevents me from inhaling.

There are some similarities to when I have been in the depths of desolation. For instance I have no desires at all. I do not want for anything to happen nor anything to change. The concept of a change happening that will improve my existence is foreign – such a thing simply cannot occur. I am beyond longing, beyond hoping, beyond believing.

There is also a sense of calmness. It is comforting in a way. The lack of belief in any change forces one to accept the state you are in and it’s so easy. Time doesn’t exist so you are not aware of how long you are held in the strange prison. You don’t even question where you are, what boundaries there are … you simply know that you are confined and you don’t care.

There’s a very good reason why you don’t care … because to be there means you don’t have to feel the full power of your pain. You are in a sort of bubble which is protecting you from reality. It is your escape, your safe haven as well as your prison.