This time next week I will be on a bus with Chrissy heading to London Gatwick airport. It feels so strange to think that. I’ve not been in the US for 16 years – well neither of us have to be honest. I am filled with so many emotions that it feels overwhelming.

I am super excited of course. Having lived a very hum-drum life for many years, this is a huge event for me. I can’t wait to see my family whom I love dearly. I’m especially looking forward to hugs with my mother, my eldest daughter and her 3 boys – I have 3 grandsons :O I would also dearly love to hug my son Nikkolas but that will be up to him. But just the thought of being with everyone is mind-blowing for me. I look forward to spending time with my sisters and hopefully getting to do some things with each of them to just spend time one-on-one. For example sitting and crocheting or knitting with my eldest sister Sandy. Maybe she can teach me a thing or two but it won’t matter as I just want the experience. Maybe go somewhere with my other sister Donna and get silly like we used to do. I could use a bit of sister silly in my life and think she could too.

I am nervous. In the run up to leaving, I am anxious about packing the right things, not forgetting something important and also getting household tasks completed – like defrosting the freezer! Ugh I hate doing that. I’m trying to be very organized about packing but think I have gone off the list a bit. I may have packed more than planned. But when the suitcase isn’t full what can you do?!

I am happy. Not something I am normally but at the moment I am so glad I have this opportunity. It feels good this whole trip thing. I feel I deserve it after all this time. There have been moments in the past 2 months where I felt I didn’t deserve it; felt I’d been too spontaneous and selfish for booking it. But now I am focusing on the love we will all share in person, face-to-face.

I am nervous. The whole getting to the plane on time is a source of anxiety for me. I know I have everything planned out but can’t help worry that mundane things like traffic will get in the way of the plan. Once I’m at the airport and checked in I know I will be able to relax a bit.

I’m ecstatic! I can’t wait for the laughter of which I’m sure there will be plenty. We’re all a bit daffy so lots of laughing is pretty much a guarantee. I love the sound of laughter – it warms my heart and soothes my soul.

I currently feel like I’m in limbo. I have all this stuff to do but am too impatient. I want to be on the move not held down seeing to boring details. I started counting down the days back when there were 50 to go but the last 43 days have flown by. I suspect these last 7 are going to drag on but I really hope not. I hate waiting for things to happen!

So these are just some of the feelings and thoughts I’m having. There are many more but I don’t want to bore anyone.

Psaryce x

Growing Up White In The USA


My skin is white. I cannot change that fact of my life. But I do not believe it has to determine my relationships with other people. My father was, I am ashamed to admit, a racist. I on the other hand grew up with friends and boyfriends from a variety of skin colours. My father’s views did not impact on me; I took each individual on their own merit. For a long time in my childhood, racism was never an issue. We all played together regardless of our skin, our backgrounds, our home lives.

It wasn’t until I reached junior high school that I began to notice a change in attitudes of those around me. Perhaps it was due to the addition of kids from other schools because those I had previously known all my little still behaved as always – we were equals and friends. But the children from other schools seemed to have issues that I didn’t understand. They didn’t stick together as one but clumped themselves into groups of skin colour. I found it strange and confusing. I couldn’t understand why. I carried on in my usual way and attempted, sometimes successfully, sometimes not, to make friends with anyone and everyone. It was the individual I was interested in, nothing more. I didn’t do cliques of any kind. I was an individual and I mixed with everyone.

But from that time on, I started experiencing what I call “reverse racism”. If I didn’t agree with someone whose skin was black, I was accused of being racist. If I said something they didn’t like, I was accused of being racist. In every instance, I was asked “Is it because I am black”. My response was always an honest and firm “No! It has nothing to do with your skin colour”. The stupid thing, to me, was that I was being asked this at all. So many students in the schools I attended knew me and knew I wasn’t influenced in any way by by such things as ethnicity, religious beliefs, gender, sexuality, etc. Majority of the time those around at these times would step in and vouch for me but it affect me deeply that anyone would suggest I was in any way racist.

It didn’t get much better after school when I entered the world of work. The question “Is it because I am black” continued to be thrown at me at times when there really was no need. For example, when I was a cashier and carded someone buying alcohol … white people tended to be flattered, others tended to be offended – even when I had jut asked the white person in front of them for I.D. It still affected me even though I didn’t know these people (unlike at school). I felt the need to walk on eggshells and it made me very sad.

I understood it in a way (and I still do). I could sympathize and felt compassion for those who had been mistreated solely because of the colour of their skin. But it hurt because I had never  done anything even remotely racist. My friends were friends. They were not “black” friends, “white” friends, “Asian” friends … they were all just friends. It makes me sick those who claim to be anti-racist yet refer to their friends by colour/ethnicity!

But the point of all this rambling is … I am not a racist. I have been affected by racism most of my life either through being accused or through friends who have been mistreated by racists. In my mind, I see the bigger picture and so will never jump to the conclusion that race is the motivating factor in every single situation the media inform us about. Like each person, I take each event on it’s own merit and do not lump it together with other events. Bad things happen to all kinds of people. People are shot, people are attacked, people are marginalized every single day. Not just those of “minority” but ALL people.

So please think twice before automatically assuming that someone’s race is the root cause. Please consider the source of information. Please look beyond the immediate media story which is often hyped up and find out the other side’s version. Please do not be a sheep and believe the first thing you read about any incident. And please, please, please do not add to the problem by reacting before you think and dig a little deeper because you just might find you are scaremongering – which is exactly what the media want you to do.

Psaryce x

PS: These are purely my own opinions based on the life I have lived. I am not saying racism doesn’t exist – I know it does and I hate that! I am simply asking you to think before reacting to every story that comes your way.

To Be Young



Packing Panic!

Our trip to the USA is causing me to feel excited, anxious, scared, overwhelmed and extremely ‘responsible adult’. I have never planned a hop over the pond (or anywhere else) with such a mixture of emotions – especially not the anxiety and fear.

Oh to be young and carefree again! To go back to when I didn’t worry at all, just did it and went (usually at very short notice). I never had so much time to prepare for any trip as I do now but I feel I have far too much to do before we set off. 49 days to go at the time of writing this. Sounds like plenty of time on the surface but not to me. I am bordering on panic at the though of everything I still need to get done.

Maybe it is all the important stuff I ignored in the past along with the essential stuff that I have been organizing that has me feeling this way. Stuff like the actual booking of flights and the trip to London to get passports. Those are essential and couldn’t be avoided of course. But I have also applied for an international driver’s permit at the post office, investigated travel insurance and other such stuff that I never thought about when travelling in the past.

It all has me so stressed that I’ve even worried about packing! Me worrying about packing? No, no, no! That i just so wrong as I know I am good at it – very organized, very efficient. It is far too early to start packing! And I have all these days in which I need to be doing other things instead of stressing over packing! Yet here I have been intensely surfing the net looking at packing tips even though most pages all say the exact same thing.

For a start, I desperately want to overhaul the entire house. It’s not filthy or anything – mainly just disorganized and needing a proper old fashioned “Spring Clean”. I want it as close to magazine ready as is humanly possible before we leave. I have a harsh return flight schedule with 2 layovers and will in no way want to walk into a chaotic house on my return. Could really do with a cleaning buddy to help or at least keep me company while I work at it for the motivation. The grey skies of late are not helping to energize me at all.

In amongst all this planning for the trip, I also have the day-to-day stuff to deal with. But lately have also needed to sort out other life things like car tax and insurance for new car, blue (disabled) badge, bus pass, home contents insurance, etc. All that stuff no one ever wants to do but really must. Between the trip and life, I have been buried in paperwork (some of it in triplicate which just confuses me). So far I haven’t been able to sort out a decent way of filing all this stuff a most of it needs to be at hand for a while yet (not in the filing cabinet). This also adds to my anxiety as I am terrified I am going to misplace something vital and get screwed later on down the line.

And my health is suffering from it all. I am still sore from the London trip 7 day ago but since we got back from that, I have also developed other issues. The main one being IBS. I know it is due to all the stress I am putting on myself yet can’t seem to get a grip and relax long enough to make a difference.I tried soaking in the tub but even that didn’t work. Hopefully now the extra daily life paperwork has mostly been dealt with I can begin to slow back down again. I certainly need to before we leave or I won’t be fit to enjoy anything.

If anyone reading has any good tips for intense stress, I’m listening with an open mind and lots of gratitude!

Psaryce x

Nothing’s Ever Easy


So the preparations for the huge trip to see family back home in the USA are underway and there is an incredible amount of things to do. Step 1 is passports. Both of ours are expired and Hoovy’s only ever had a British one. So we made appointments at the US Embassy in London to get them … surprisingly the appointments were within a week! Then had to work out how to get there as there is no way on Earth I will drive to London. Train was far too expensive so ended up booking on a National Express bus. Just had to organize a way to get to the bus depot for 6am! I didn’t fancy leaving my car so booked us a taxi for 5.30am :O

Now I won’t go into the major crisis of Hoovy’s motorbike being stolen and the rescue efforts we made but to say that it was physically, mentally and emotionally demanding for us both. And it distracted us for about 4 days but it is back home even though it doesn’t work (i.e. I am now taxi service for her once again).

So after days of printing an copying and gathering everything under the sun I though could be remotely useful for our applications, I ended up with everything in triplicate but still felt I’d forgotten something crucial. The anxiety I was feeling was tremendous. Being 3 hours away from home and unable to go grab whatever I forgot added to the anxiety of giving over control to the bus driver to get us there isn’t something I wish to repeat anytime soon!

The night before our day trip, I settled into bed at 8pm after having packed my rucksack with all the documents, photos and lots of munchies for the journey and took a sleeping tablet as there was no way I’d sleep without one. I was aching from the bike rescue missions and too anxious and excited about the trip. Hoovy was too young to remember ever going into London so I was exited to take her and see her reactions. I managed to get about 4 hours of sleep before waking with no chance of getting back to sleep. I figured at least I wouldn’t oversleep and miss the taxi.

The taxi was early but we were basically ready. It was a nice smooth ride into town and I relished being a passenger for a change. We got to the depot with half an hour to spare and eventually boarded the bus and off we went. It was all so easy! I even managed to dose off during the ride despite the cramped space.

Then we hit London. That’s when it all went wrong. Traffic was appalling and all we could do was sit and watch the precious minutes tick by. In theory we should have arrived with an hour and a half to get to the Embassy. In reality we pulled into the coach station bang on our appointment time. To say we were stressed and worried is an understatement. But I had gone up and spoken to the driver and said about our appointment then a couple seated behind him said “Don’t worry. Our appointment was for 9.30”. It was 9.45 at the time.

Once off the bus we raced (well more like a slow speed walk for me) to the nearest tube station in the rain, got our tickets and set off. Victoria north to first stop, change over to Jubilee for the next stop then we had to hoof it about 3-4 blocks to the embassy. Hoovy didn’t like the underground too much. Once there things went well again.We got in, did what we needed to do then breathed huge sighs of relief as we left. We had 2 and a half hours until the bus back was leaving.

We meandered. We went into some shops just browsing. I bought a few gifts to take back home. Hoovy had a make-up trial at Nars in Selfridges. We found a lovely place for lunch. Then time seemed to have escaped us. Suddenly we had very little time to get back to the bus.

Since we’d already done loads of walking and I hadn’t really recovered from the bike recovery excursions, walking really fast wasn’t easy – especially with a heavy backpack. But I tried. I tried so hard. I was panting my legs were painful and shaky. I wanted to drop down and cry. We got the tubes okay but the walk to the coach station nearly killed me. I sent Hoovy ahead but when I got to there, the bus was just pulling out of the station.

She wasn’t happy at all. I think she was afraid we would be stuck in London. I sat her down and told her to wait there. I went off to the ticket counter and explained the problem. The lady was nice and arranged for us to go on the next bus which was an hour later. I was impressed that there was no extra charge! I pranced back waving the ticket as I approached Hoovy. In the end I felt it was better that we had an hour spare before getting on the bus. We got drinks and used the toilets and just generally calmed down.

Once on the bus the exhaustion hit us both hard. The plan had been to catch a public bus once we got back to Southampton but we were both so drained. During the journey I decided to just get a taxi home. As we fell into the house, I thought “Well thank fuck that’s over”. I rang my Mom and crashed. Step 1 complete.


Psaryce x


Reactions of the Blind


Following a recent incident where I felt harassed by someone I used to call a friend and which caused my anxiety levels to go through the roof and spawn off two panic attacks, I have been thinking. As you do. And I came to some conclusions.

Firstly, when you cannot see the hurt and harm you cause others, it is easy to feel rejected and used. People react to the way you treat them and when you do things knowing they will cause upset, they will instinctively retreat from you. Usually, they will not say anything or try to explain because they know it would be a pointless act.When someone cannot see the effect of their actions, they cannot listen either.

For example my recent situation … a man sent me a message late the other night. It didn’t make much sense to me (and several others I showed were just as confused by it). In the message, he appeared to be implying that I should not have a car in order to pay him money … suggesting it would be cheaper for me without it. This is not true as I have so many hospital appointments at present and it would cost me a heck of a lot more in taxis (I cannot use the bus due to my anxiety). Anyway that is what the message seemed to be saying but I couldn’t say for certain.

When I didn’t reply (no point as I could tell he was at the very least drunk again), he began to pester me with more messages. Again by the tone and content, I saw no point in replying as it would only spur him on and I quite frankly haven’t the energy. But then he began calling the house … 5 calls in 15 minutes and then I truly felt harassed. I rang the police and got a report number. I was terrified at this point that he would turn up at my door in a state of drunkenness. He has done this before despite knowing my anxiety of unexpected knocks at the door so it wouldn’t surprise me if he did it again.

I don’t cope with confrontation and certainly not one where alcohol is an influential factor. It takes me right back to my childhood and my alcoholic father shouting the odds at all hours of the day and night. Panic sets in. I want to hide, I want to flee. At present the best I can do is lock myself into the house and hope all will be well. But I jumped at every sound from outside … a car door closing, people walking past, etc. This is no way to live. Trust me, this is me everyday without being hassled by people I have no desire to speak to.The behaviour of this man only make it a thousand times worse.

On the advice of the police, I sent 1 message to him. It said “In an effort to make this very clear … I do not wish for you to contact me in any form. Please do not call, message or come to my house. I am writing this on the advice of the police.” The policeman told me to contact them again if he replied or contacted me in any way after sending this message. He did of course so now I will have to ring the police back and give an update.

By the way, I don’t owe this man anything but even if I did, his behaviour is unacceptable. Why? Because he knows my situation, knows I am vulnerable and have anxiety and also that I live alone with my daughter. I feel like prey.


Psaryce xo


Brain Dump


For weeks I have had a multitude of thoughts running through my head but I lack the focus to record them properly. I’m in a sort of self-analysis mode and trying to find my way through all the bullshit that clogs my mind. I seem to be anxious about everything little thing these days an jump at the most ridiculously mundane stuff – like the microwave pinging.So I thought maybe I’d try and spew some of this out in a blog post as a way of detoxing my head. It could work! Maybe!

Frustration over my physical limitations at the moment are at a high. Everything is a struggle so when I do feel a tiny bit better, I tend to push myself far too hard. I pay the consequence though, don’t worry. I’ve had a whole 2 “good” days in the last 4 weeks. FFS! I am only 47! This morning I put a load of laundry into the washing machine. The basket of dirties was right under the hole where you stuff items in so it wasn’t like I had been lugging it around all through the house. I just went over and stuffed the clothes in and added the soap then switched it on. Simple right? Not really. I felt unbalanced the whole time and struggled not to go ass over so by the time I was done, I had to sit down and recover. It wasn’t even heavy items and I had to recover from it?! Pathetic my mind says. But my body was insistent on the rest. My legs felt shaky and my anxiety levels were high (fear of falling over, whacking my head and no one around to call 999 before I bled to death). Oh my mind. My wonderfully neurotic mind loves to play these scenarios of the worst case. It’s so draining mentally and it never stops!

My physical battle to do simple things coupled with my warped mind makes existing a rather unhappy. I get so angry at people who could (and in my opinion SHOULD) help me get things done. I have spent majority of my life caring for others, putting everyone else first (at times to my own detriment) that I feel a little bit of “returning the favour”should be in order. I don’t know how to put myself first. I have responsibilities regardless of how I feel and I cannot ignore them. But I was raised to respect others and offer help whenever I could. So to be in this situation, where I get no help from anyone at all, just winds me up. I force myself to do as much as I possibly can for myself but for months now, it just isn’t good enough. I feel like a nothing. I don’t feel I matter to anyone, well not anyone that is close enough geographically to help.

That then leads to fury at some people who have all the household resources that would make my life a bit easier (like a dishwasher!) and who don’t have the physical barriers that I fight against constantly who complain regularly at how crap their life is. What I wouldn’t give to have their health, their physical strength! Yes I would still have depression and anxiety to deal with but to be able to do the dishes without having to rest every few minutes would make my life SO much easier! For the record, I don;t even have space in my tiny kitchen for a dishwasher so even if I had the money, I still couldn’t fulfil that particular dream.

Which brings us onto Dreams. I try not to go there as I find it too depressing. I cannot see anything occurring in my future to change my life in the drastic ways that I would wish. I’m stuck on low income and with no real resources to make a difference. I know that some big changes will come (like whenever Chrissy moves out) but I try hard not to think about them because simply acknowledging the impending upheaval tires me out. I have been trying to get rid of things I no longer need but even that is too much for me to cope with. I have several bags and boxes of stuff to donate to charity shops but I don’t have the physical ability to get it to the car. And now they have sat there so long it just annoys the crap out of me to see it everyday. Seeing it first thing in the morning sets me in a low mood instantly. Then I notice all the other things that need to be done (the floors need hoovering, the dishes in the sink, the dust on the shelves, the windows – omg the windows are dreadful!) and my mood drops even more. I get overwhelmed by it all and end up feeling paralysed and enable to act because I know I cannot do it all. I don;t even know where to start!

Well the washing machine has just finished so I guess for today I will have to start with the task of getting the laundry out and hung up somewhere. Besides, I have rambled on enough (even though I have barely explored the many thoughts I wanted to).

Psaryce xo

Finding Solace In Incense


With all the turmoil I have been going through lately, I am very conscious of the negativity that has been dominating my life. I have been trying to do things that could help dispel it but keep running into obstacles, barriers and dead ends. It has me feeling like a turtle. I have tentatively poked my head out of my shell only to withdraw it back in quickly so as to avoid absorbing too many more negative vibes.

First I planned to attend a drumming healing circle. Unfortunately the organizer had a very sad family situation arise and had to cancel the event. Snap! Back in went my head as I tried to cope with their devastating news as well as my own feelings of disappointment.

I gave it a few days and then decided to grab an opportunity to go on a day trip to the magickal land of Glastonbury. For reasons I have previously written about, that plan also failed. I couldn’t get my head back into my shell fast enough!

The obligatory 3rd bit of “things come in 3” was finding out that my GP’s referral to the psychiatrist has been refused. She told me they don’t feel I meet their requirements. Since last August, my GP and I have been trying everything we can think of to get me the help I need for my anxiety and depression. We are both so frustrated now and have no idea what else we can try. I must admit this news hit me hard and my spirit took a dive into a downward spiral.

Then I spent some time with a good friend and started to feel a bit better. My swirling thoughts and emotions hadn’t intruded while I was visiting her so I had a lovely time. It was then I had the idea of us going to a fantastic little “New Age” shop one day. I have some bits and pieces I’d like to get (candles and such) and again my head began to taste the outside world. Also while visiting, I spied a book that spoke to me and she kindly allowed me to borrow it.

Over the weekend, I disconnected electronically a lot more than normal. I burned White Sage incense, lit lots of candles and played several of my many ambience music CDs. These range from Native American to Reiki, Buddhist monk chanting to Feng Shui. I had created a peaceful environment in which I read from the book, made some personal plans, wrote in my BOS and meditated using my Rose Quartz orb to try and clear/heal my Heart Chakra. The energies I received from the orb were strong and amazing but I still think I have much more work to do in order to free my heart.

So things were looking up again. I was connecting to positive energies again. I was feeling calmer. My worries were temporarily suspended as I focused on what my own Spirit needed. Then this morning arrives and with it reality. I had to accept that the house’s heating is playing up again and admit to myself that it’s been off for days. That means contacting my landlord about it – again! But worse, my financial troubles have once again surfaced with a swipe to my recently exposed face (remember I am like a turtle in this and my head has been peeking out to investigate my world). It turns out I couldn’t really have afforded to go to the drumming or Glastonbury and I won’t have anything spare for the bits & pieces I wanted to get at the NA shop either. I can barely get my rent paid and with other bills being due won’t have anything to spend on food. This is an ongoing struggle and I suck at juggling anything – especially money that I don’t have.

I have whacked on the ambient sounds again, lit the incense and am trying my best to not let this money stuff intrude on my newly acquired feelings. I had not reached even a balance of positive and negative but was heading in the right direction. It has taken many. many months to get to this point and I dread letting it slip away again. I want to stay in this cocoon I have built over the weekend. I feel cozy, warm and comfortable here. But I can’t stay here and I don’t yet know how to take the positive feelings with me when I step outside of this bubble.

Psaryce x