Monthly Archives: January 2012

Fighting Spirit Kicks In

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Surprisingly I am not feeling bad today at all. Instead of withdrawing, I have been making plans for the future – mine and my daughter’s. At some point between yesterday afternoon and this morning, I remembered that I’m an American. As such, I have a deeply instilled hatred of giving in and an even more ingrained “underdog” spirit that causes me to fight back. The awesome thing is that for the first time in ages, I have bounced back at my usual speedy rate.

So, I now have my eyes wide open and am shifting my focus and energy onto what truly matters the most. My daughter and myself. We are quite a good team she and I and I am grateful to have her in my life. We laugh, we argue and we love. Now with my new plans, we will live.

Now all this means I cannot procrastinate any more – this is a good thing. It also means I have lots and lots to do. Luckily there are not too many dishes to wash up from tea tonight so I can wizz through those. Then I can shift all my stuff into my new fridge/freezer! Sad to be so excited about a kitchen appliance but we both cannot wait to start using it. Having to let it stand for 24 hours has been making us both anxious.

Ahhh simple pleasures 😀

 

Psaryce x

Withdrawing

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Well had a conversation today that I will need to reflect on. It hurt. I was upset. I cried. In truth I am still weeping. Once the shock wears off, I suspect it will get worse.

Under the circumstances, I doubt I will be posting for a while. Anything I would write beyond this would just be too raw for publishing. I might switch to writing poetry. I don’t share my poems so I don’t feel compelled to hold back in them.

So for the benefit of readers, if you notice a severe lack of posts, well, this is why.

 

Psaryce x

Only 1 True Love

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“The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person” – Vi Putnam

 

I have been ruminating on this quote all morning. My thoughts and feelings about it are mixed. On the one hand, it has come into my life at a time where I can truly appreciate it. On the other hand, I fear it has come too late.

In my past, it would have terrified me. To be “needed” used to be an uncomfortable burden to my mind. The responsibility alone was unnerving. I couldn’t understand the beauty of such a situation. Instead I constantly worried. It was a worry brought about through fear.

In the depths of my being, I was afraid of letting others down, of not being enough and of being exposed as a fraud. Yes, a fraud. Unintentionally, mind you, but a fraud because I was terrified of “needing” someone, anyone. In my warped mind, I had always expected to be let down, to be rejected, to be hurt. The idea of giving that much power to someone else was inconsiderable (considering they would eventually destroy me).

Sadly what my conscious mind wasn’t aware of was the fact that somewhere along the way I had gotten myself into that situation. I didn’t realise it but I had come to “need” one person in my life. I believe that is what sent me off the rails 2 years ago and what affected my behaviour to become so deranged. I look back and am ashamed at just how unhinged I had become. Worse I am appalled I didn’t even know what was really going on.

When the dust began to settle, I came to terms with this insight. I began to feel a calm wash over me. A contentment of sorts that I cannot explain. I know now that my fear had focused my thoughts on the being “needed” and blocked out my own “need”. That, unfortunately, prevented me from arriving at acceptance before chaos took hold.

So now there is a new fear. Acceptance and understanding have come too late. See, I am a romantic – too much so for my own good at times. But I believe that while one can have adequate relationships with various partners, we actually only have one true love. There is one person you are simply meant to be with and without whom life is just experienced, not lived. A bit old-fashioned I know but if you ever find that one extraordinary person for you, you will understand.

 

Psaryce x

Good Friends & Kind Offers

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I’m posting much later in the day than normal but for good reason. A friend stopped by after the school run. We chatted about this and that, moaned about people and things wrong with the world and had a fair few laughs in the whole process. About 3 cups of coffee were consumed by each of us and I won’t even think of how many cigarettes we smoked (why do I smoke more while nattering?). Then the time came to get on with our days – both starting with shopping. As I don’t have a car, I asked to get dropped off in the village. Instead I got an invite to tag along at Sainsburys then get dropped off in the village.

 

Simple gestures can make such a difference to one’s day. I think I have only been to Sainsburys once in nearly a year (well since my car died last March). It was so nice to get out to a shop without the hassle of a long walk and a bus! Despite the store being crowded and reminding me how nice it is to point and click my way through the shopping list, it was still good to be among people.

 

After blitzing Sainsburys, another kind offer came my way. Would I like to drop my shopping off at home then get taken back to the village? Oh yes please! Not only did this allow me to get rid of the heavy bag (I’d forgotten I wasn’t going straight home), but it also meant I could pick up my shopping trolley thingy. This was extremely helpful since I needed to pick up a few more things that would cause the walk home to be a tad of a struggle (especially since my feeble legs were already aching and starting to wobble).

 

So I had a good day out. It was a pleasurable change from the norm. Plus I just know that Karma will repay my friend three-fold for the generousity shown to me this day.

 

Psaryce x

 

NB: I am immensely glad I got to take my trolly as I found a few bargains at the charity shop – amongst other things, 3 flower pots (@50p each) and 5 more Agatha Christie books in the 10 bin (how did I miss those the other day?!?!)

What Do You Do With Guilt?

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I have never regretted anything I have done in my life before. I always stuck by my decisions knowing that they were the best choices at the time they were made.

Now I find myself in a position I’ve never been before. I regret a whole load of things I did over a period of a year or so. I regret not only my actions but my reactions, thoughts and words as well. I also regret a few things I have done or said recently. This feeling is so foreign to me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how it has happened.

It had been lingering under the surface for weeks but then it hit me suddenly yesterday and with such force bringing guilt in its wake. I didn’t handle it very well I must admit. It felt like my soul had been stabbed violently several times. I could do nothing but sob. I tried to reach out to the one person who matters despite knowing that was the one person I had done the most damage to. Also I was going about it the wrong way. That made me feel foolish and more guilty so I sobbed even more.

I haven’t felt that down in months. Usually my pattern of depression is that it builds for a few days or a week before I get trapped in its clutches. It gives me time to fight it. But last night it just pounced on me mercilessly and without fair warning. I awoke this morning with a pounding head; feeling like I have the worst hangover of my life. I feel drained, depleted and ashamed.

Depression is tricky like that. You start making progress in your life. You begin to feel better, more in control and even happy. Then something can set it off and you feel back to the beginning again. It is an awful disease. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

And now in the cold light of the morning I still have to figure out what to do with all this guilt. I think I’ll start with some Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.

Psaryce x

Not Enough

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For years I waited in hope. Especially that last year. But nothing ever came. Well nothing that I needed that is. I couldn’t ask for them directly. That would have only patronized my need. They needed to come all on their own. The longer I waited, the more convinced I became that I had been wrong in my thinking.

In the beginning, I was sure that my needs would be fulfilled. If I waited long enough, withdrew enough, goaded enough. That confidence fairl quickly turned into hope via the doubts that were abounding. The stage of waiting, hanging about in limbo under the guise of hope lasted so long.

Years of mental torment I suffered in this impasse. I blanked it out and withdrew more when it became unbearable. Eventually creating the fantasy world I previously wrote about and which ultimately led to all being lost.

Afterwards, I still stubbornly held onto that hope. I guess that has only served to prolong my own pain. It also meant I didn’t have to consider the repercussions. If I only focussed on myself, then I didn’t have to think about anyone else. How selfish is that? Incredibly selfish I would say.

But it is easier to say that now. I am in a different place. I can think beyond myself . It is hard to accept I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t worth fighting for. It still hurts a lot but I will heal eventually. I have to. There is no alternative.

Psaryce x