It was just after xmas. One of the hardest days of my life. Every minute that passed I want to hold onto as tightly as I could. Yet at the same time I wanted them all to be over at once. I wanted it to be another day; one in the future as far away from the pain as possible.
We stood close several times that day chatting about superficial things. Physically you were only an arms length away but in every other way we were separated by thousands (if not millions) of miles created by unspoken words. My heart felt like it was in a vice, tears stung the corners of my eyes and sometimes I had to go off somewhere else when they could no longer be contained. Although I fought them as best I could, I cried several times that day but never let you see. How could I?
You were moving on and moving away. I had no right to let you see my tears. I had no right to speak the words that remained silent. You had made your decision and had to respect that. I wanted to shout and scream. I wanted to cry and beg you to stay. I wanted to grab you and never let go. But more than that I wanted you to be happy so I did none of these things.
I even told you so at the very last minute. “Take care of yourself and be happy” I said. Then I went into my house, up the stairs to the bathroom and cried some more. All the words I wanted to say swarming through my mind, taunting me … reminding me what a fool I had been. I had made the hugest mistake of my life 6 months before and now I was paying for it.
Those words still remain unspoken and with the greater physical distance between us that exists they torment me even more. My only solice lies in the hope that you have found happiness. Still, I want you to know that I am still here if you haven’t.