“The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person” – Vi Putnam
I have been ruminating on this quote all morning. My thoughts and feelings about it are mixed. On the one hand, it has come into my life at a time where I can truly appreciate it. On the other hand, I fear it has come too late.
In my past, it would have terrified me. To be “needed” used to be an uncomfortable burden to my mind. The responsibility alone was unnerving. I couldn’t understand the beauty of such a situation. Instead I constantly worried. It was a worry brought about through fear.
In the depths of my being, I was afraid of letting others down, of not being enough and of being exposed as a fraud. Yes, a fraud. Unintentionally, mind you, but a fraud because I was terrified of “needing” someone, anyone. In my warped mind, I had always expected to be let down, to be rejected, to be hurt. The idea of giving that much power to someone else was inconsiderable (considering they would eventually destroy me).
Sadly what my conscious mind wasn’t aware of was the fact that somewhere along the way I had gotten myself into that situation. I didn’t realise it but I had come to “need” one person in my life. I believe that is what sent me off the rails 2 years ago and what affected my behaviour to become so deranged. I look back and am ashamed at just how unhinged I had become. Worse I am appalled I didn’t even know what was really going on.
When the dust began to settle, I came to terms with this insight. I began to feel a calm wash over me. A contentment of sorts that I cannot explain. I know now that my fear had focused my thoughts on the being “needed” and blocked out my own “need”. That, unfortunately, prevented me from arriving at acceptance before chaos took hold.
So now there is a new fear. Acceptance and understanding have come too late. See, I am a romantic – too much so for my own good at times. But I believe that while one can have adequate relationships with various partners, we actually only have one true love. There is one person you are simply meant to be with and without whom life is just experienced, not lived. A bit old-fashioned I know but if you ever find that one extraordinary person for you, you will understand.