Monthly Archives: February 2012

Me + Networking = Disaster

Standard

In an effort to increase my social circle, gain contacts for my business and get involved in an organization, I went to a social event last night. I arrived somewhat excited as I had been looking forward to going. I left feeling foolish and disappointed in myself.

I’m generally a social person but faced with a large, slightly overcrowded room full of women only was, I admit, daunting. The noise level didn’t help. I signed in and got my name badge then headed over to the raffle table to hand over an apron and a card carrier that I was donating. Whilst I did manage to say a bit about the work (i.e. handcrafted from recycled fabrics), I still felt nervous. And shy! I wheedled my way back through the crowd for a break in the “ladies room” then downstairs to get a drink.

That took ages and when I returned, a few women were trying to speak. From the back of the room it was impossible to hear any of them. So I struck up a conversation with one of the ladies involved in the event who was hanging back in the wings so to speak. She was nice and we discussed future involvement routes. I still felt slightly nervous but talking one-on-one to someone was much better. Easier somehow.

When the speakers finished and the crowd began chatting again, all I could think of was “I have to get out of here!”. I just couldn’t cope with so many people and so much noise. Somewhere inside me there was a fear that a person or people would speak to me and I didn’t like the idea. And so I collected an application, made my excuses and left.

I’m not normally very shy or nervous. Maybe it just wasn’t the right night for me, maybe I wasn’t in the right mood. My daughter had come with me and was lurking about in the shadows. Perhaps I was conscientious of that. Also it was hot in the room and I felt encumbered by my jumper, scarf, bag and the leaflets/magazines I had picked up. The volume in the room didn’t help either. I simply detest having to speak over a crowd to the point I feel I am shouting. In addition, it was late evening and I was tired. I’m not used to being out after my daughter comes home from school – it throws me off a bit.

It would seem all of these factors combined to prohibit me for making the most of the situation. It frustrates me. I know people who would have worked that room and come away with a handful of names and numbers. That’s what I wanted to do!

I suppose there are lessons to be learned, skills to be worked on and experience to be gained. The thing is that despite things not going to my plan, I am glad I went. Perhaps it is the challenge of something new and uncomfortable that attracts me. Whatever, I will be going back next month and to other events in the meantime. I’m not one to give up easily 😉

Psaryce x

Advertisements

Hormones, Tirades & Allergies

Standard

It’s been days since I last wrote. I’m not sure why I haven’t sat down to write before now. Hormones have been raging within me so it’s probably best I’ve been silent.

It appears that my neighbour is currently under the influence of hormones as well. Unlike me, she does not suffer in silence. For the past 3 days, her tirades have increased in volume, frequency and duration. She doesn’t just shout, she screams. It stresses me out. Living next to someone who launches into “psycho” mode is not my idea of pleasant. The outbursts disrupt the vibes in my own home.

Today she began her annual ritual of announcing Spring’s arrival. I have never, ever known anyone sneeze like her. She seems intent on making each one as loud and long as possible. And she never just sneezes the once. No it is always a series of many. With each one, a visual comes into my mind of her trying to expel some demon from her nose. It is not a normal sneeze at all. It is overly dramatic and violent sounding. I doubt I will ever understand it.

So now it is evening. Her husband has gone off to work and her children have come home from school. The sneezing continues and soon the tirades will begin. It will not be a calm and peaceful evening no matter what I do. It’s at times like this, I wish I lived in the country on some large plot of land where neighbours can’t be heard.

Psaryce x

Falling Behind

Standard

My depression is at bay once again – only just but that is something. Life however is not. I feel overwhelmed by it. Yet again, money is causing no end of troubles. Well, the lack of it. My child benefit payment has yet to arrive this week. This is not good considering how tight my budget is these days. And it angers me because it highlights in my mind too vividly my shortcomings as a mother/parent.

On Sunday, my daughter went riding with one of her friends’ mother. She had a fantastic time. Not surprising as she is in heaven anytime she is around horses. It is this more than anything where I feel I am failing her. I know she’d gladly give up all the other little things in life if she could have her own horse. And that is something I cannot give her. At least not at this point in life.

The trouble expands as I cannot envision ever being ahead of the game enough to give her her heart’s desire. The more my health issues disrupt my life, the more they impact on hers. It isn’t fair.

It is natural for parents to want to give their children all that they want. Finances limit that for everyone. But it seems so unjust when there is really only 1 thing the child wants. Especially as I know how much she wants it and how beneficial it would be for her.

I want to be a good mother. I want to be able to say I give her everything. I want to know that she is happy. I just don’t know how to make it happen.

Psaryce x

It’s Definitely Sunday

Standard

I spent all of yesterday feeling like it was Sunday instead of Saturday. I had all the usual “Sunday” symptoms. I dropped just about everything. What I didn’t drop seemed to fall out at me, jump away from me or else somehow managed to escape.

I spent a bit of time reading since my legs were in so much pain. Even the pages in the book conspired against me by either being stubbornly against turning or by trying to turn back. I gave up and spent some time cutting out fabric pieces. Most ended up wonky because nothing was cooperating with me.

I cooked sausages for tea. Every one of them tried to fight my desire for them to turn just so in order that they would cook evenly.

By the end of the evening just about everything was annoying me. As I readied for bed, I tried to be positive and tell myself “At least my “Sunday” is over and out of the way now”.

No such luck!

Today is a “Sunday” proper. On top of the above symptoms, I am also struggling to type properly. I keep making typos and spelling as if I am dyslexic. And I’m not!

I have plenty that needs to get down around the house but I am loathe to start anything under the circumstances. I’m just not keen for a full-on repeat of yesterday’s palaver. It is annoying and frustrating. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. Are my fingers incapable of receiving messages from my brain properly now? I’m sure that’s nonsense but cannot think of anything else to explain why everything I touch goes wonky. Perhaps the stars are not in a good alignment for me. Who knows?

Beyond the irritation, I am also angry. Angry at life for giving me 2 “Sundays” in a row. I feel unfairly penalised. What have I done to deserve this double sentence? I feel victimised, mistreated and abused. Can I not just have a pleasant Sunday for once? Please?

Psaryce x

What A Fool Am I?

Standard

Depression has its hold on me for certain. I’m doing my best  to avoid thinking about legal & medical problems, but nothing can distract me from thinking of him. And I am so angry at myself. At how I pushed & pushed until he was gone. At how I didn’t open my eyes to what I really wanted until it was too late. At how I naively thought I could change his mind. No. Worse than that, I thought if I offered him the opportunity, he would be happy and want to come back straight away.

But he didn’t. And I feel devastated. Nothing has any real meaning any more. Days go by but nothing really happens. I am numb. I don’t feel anything but despair. I have tried many times to take the advice I’ve been given and “do something just for myself”. It only serves to depress me more. Everyday I saw, hear or read something I would have shared with him. Every time I realise once again he is not here to share it with. So many times I have wanted to ask him a question but cannot. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of him. All those memories taunt me. They laugh at me and ridicule me. I plummet further down.

It isn’t that I don’t feel I am worthy of my own attention. I can do things for myself and for my own benefit. That isn’t the problem. I took everything for granted and then chucked it away. And now the real problem is I want it back. I don’t need it, but I want it. I can survive on my own, I just don’t want to. I want to share my life with the man I love. No one else compares to him in my heart. I kick myself for forgetting what he truly means to me. Then again I thought we had a bond that could never be severed. It could fray and wear in places but I always thought it would be repairable.

How stupid was I to believe that?

Psaryce x

Anxiety, Fear & Being Alone

Standard

Today is not a good day. I started feeling down yesterday and have been gradually declining ever since. There is so much going on right now, I am finding it harder than normal to fight the darkness.

What started me off yesterday is … On Monday, I have to go to a Tribunal. I appealed against the DWP’s decision that I am fit for work so now have to somehow argue my corner. I am seriously stressing about this. I am a nervous mess just thinking about it. Little me vs 3 professionals. You can bring someone with you but I have no one. My circle of friends is extremely limited and those who would come can’t because the courts chose 3.15 in the afternoon to hear my case. Yup, right at the time when parents, such as me, are dealing with the school run or at least their children returning home from school. I did go to the CAB for advice/help but due to a cock up, the 1st appointment they arranged for me was with the wrong person. So there is little chance the right person has enough time to adjourn the hearing. I am angry about that. Part of the problem with evidence is the doctors don’t yet know what is wrong with me. Knowing that doesn’t help my nerves about Monday any at all.

Today’s post brought further anxiety. An appointment with the day clinic in Neurology in a few weeks time. This time I have to bring someone as I am not to go home alone. Again, limited friends, busy lives. Ugh. Even more fear arose when I fully read what this appointment will entail. First off, an NCS/EMG (Nerve Conduction Studies / Electromyogram). Doesn’t sound fun but wait – the details are even better.

The NCS: electrodes attached to various places one of which “stimulates the nerve” with electrical impulses. This is repeated for a number of nerves over 45 minutes. “Some people find it uncomfortable”.

Even more fun is …

The EMG: A fine needle is inserted into the muscles to “view & listen to the electrical activity”. Further “you may be asked to move in a certain way in order to contract the test muscle” Oh joy! I get a needle stuck in my muscle then they want me to contract it … ouch!

But wait there is more still!

After these distressing tests, I get to have another biopsy! This time instead of cutting out a piece of skin, they will be plunging a hollow needle into my thigh muscle in order to extract a piece of it. “This can be uncomfortable but it is over quickly”.  As I recall from the last biopsy, the local anaesthetic stings like mad and the cut was not exactly unfelt. Also I am kind of fond of my body bits so the idea of taking a bit out doesn’t sit well with me anyways.

I know I shouldn’t get wound up about things that are to be faced in the future but right now I just can’t shake them off. I feel like a child but what I really, really  want is a cuddle and to be told everything will be okay.

Psaryce x

I Want What Matters

Standard

I don’t want money, I want happiness

I don’t want holidays, I want memories

I don’t want luxuries, I want comfort

I don’t want bullshit, I want the truth

I don’t want pity, I want support

I don’t want to be right, I want to be heard

I don’t want to lead, I want to collaborate

I don’t want popularity, I want real friends

I don’t want fame, I want love

 

Psaryce x