I can’t think right today. I cannot focus or concentrate. I guess it is no wonder that I am also lacking motivation. The heating is still not fixed. I don’t know why that has my spirits down. I feel like life is at a standstill until it is repaired. I had wanted to do some grocery shopping yesterday but waited in for the landlord to come. Their handyman came but couldn’t fix it. He called the landlord to come take a look as he thinks it is an electrical problem. Landlord never came. He didn’t call either. This morning I got a text that someone else will be round this afternoon. So I am waiting in again to try and avoid another cold night.
It wasn’t the cold that kept me up last night though. My legs were painful and I couldn’t get comfortable enough in bed. But that wasn’t the main problem either. It was my mind running, thinking, and imagining. I couldn’t stop it. I tried reading as that usually helps but it didn’t. I tried playing a game on Facebook but it kept messing up so only served to annoy me. The last I looked the clock said 3.30am. I have no idea when I actually fell asleep. I woke up again at 9 feeling worse than before. The sleep had been restless instead of relaxing.
I had spoken to him on the phone earlier and couldn’t stop thinking of him ever since. Laying alone in our bed in a cold dark room, I reminisced about the nights he lay next to me. I tried to imagine him there – his presence, his breathing, his scent. I even tried to imagine his snoring which had kept me awake so many nights. My mind would not stop creating these thoughts. I tried to shake them off. I knew they were impeding sleep. But they persisted. Trying to remember how it felt when we cuddled up in the “spoons” position, imagining a repeat of the nights when he would say “I can’t sleep” which was his way (sometimes) of saying he wanted to make love … those dark nights of sleepy sex.
Last night I could neither stop the thoughts nor could I get absorbed in the fantasy. It was frustrating. It still is. Although these thoughts are not completely consuming in the light of day, they are still there. They are distracting me. I am still trying to shove them away. I don’t like allowing myself to dream. It is like wishing for something you have no control over. Blind hope. Dreams don’t come true for me. I get left yearning for something that will never happen.