Depression has its hold on me for certain. I’m doing my best to avoid thinking about legal & medical problems, but nothing can distract me from thinking of him. And I am so angry at myself. At how I pushed & pushed until he was gone. At how I didn’t open my eyes to what I really wanted until it was too late. At how I naively thought I could change his mind. No. Worse than that, I thought if I offered him the opportunity, he would be happy and want to come back straight away.
But he didn’t. And I feel devastated. Nothing has any real meaning any more. Days go by but nothing really happens. I am numb. I don’t feel anything but despair. I have tried many times to take the advice I’ve been given and “do something just for myself”. It only serves to depress me more. Everyday I saw, hear or read something I would have shared with him. Every time I realise once again he is not here to share it with. So many times I have wanted to ask him a question but cannot. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of him. All those memories taunt me. They laugh at me and ridicule me. I plummet further down.
It isn’t that I don’t feel I am worthy of my own attention. I can do things for myself and for my own benefit. That isn’t the problem. I took everything for granted and then chucked it away. And now the real problem is I want it back. I don’t need it, but I want it. I can survive on my own, I just don’t want to. I want to share my life with the man I love. No one else compares to him in my heart. I kick myself for forgetting what he truly means to me. Then again I thought we had a bond that could never be severed. It could fray and wear in places but I always thought it would be repairable.
How stupid was I to believe that?