Monthly Archives: March 2012

My Saturday

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On reflection, I believe my sense of disappointment regarding accomplishments on Friday was not due to a lack of a “To Do” list. Instead, it was down to so many tasks being 1/2 done. Not because I simply didn’t do them, but because it was not possible to finish them on the day. For example, one task was to paint a small pine table I picked up for £3 second hand. I bought it to use for my display at an upcoming fair but it definitely needed sprucing up. The paint takes 16 hours to dry in between coats! I didn’t realise this – thought maybe 4-5 hours drying time. So Saturday I gave it a second coat. It is still a work in progress as I need to flip it upside down and paint the leg ends and underside …

So Saturday morning, I wrote out a “To Do” list to try and give some structure or order to my day. This was before the epiphany regarding unfinished tasks. I first tackled a few of the mundane indoor chores (like hoovering the house top to bottom). My intentions were good.

I gave the table a second coat of paint along with a framed mirror (that I began days ago) and began painting a spice rack. It looks dreadful but is only the first coat of paint. I intend to use it to store my thread spools 🙂

However, as the weather was simply gorgeous, I couldn’t resist the strawberry patch that desperately needs attention. I sat down and began cutting away the dead leaves that should have been seen to ages ago. It was fun. The sun was shining, the air warm and I was lovingly tending to my beautiful plants. After a while, I heard the washing machine finish so decided to take a break and hang the load out. That was when I remembered just how painful getting up from the ground is for me these days. It was excruciating and I frowned wishing I had raised beds or a better body. Not only that but I had hardly made a dint in clearing the patch 😦

I poured a glass of iced tea and sat down (in a chair) for a break. During this down time, I decided to make a pitcher of Pink Lemonade for my daughter knowing she’d be thirsty and hot when she got home. She went out riding that morning.

This lead some how to me making a cake! I made a layered Spice cake with cream cheese frosting. I was having fun. I had music playing, the doors and windows open. I got carried away and decided to decorate it. Using a cookie cutter, I sprinkled coloured sugar crystals into egg shapes then created patterns with some sugar balls I had. It didn’t turn out very professionally but as I was winging the whole thing I figure it was okay.

By that time it was clear that my backache wasn’t going away so no more gardening! I opted instead to snap a few pics of some blossoms that are popping out.

First one of my dwarf apple trees…

 

And next my dwarf peach tree…

So in the end I pretty much had another Willy-Nilly Wonky Day but at least I could get a sense of accomplishment. Not because of the “To Do” list but because I had remembered that some things take time to finish and to appreciate the journey itself – not just the end result!

 

Psaryce x

 

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What A Willy-Nilly Wonky Day

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The weather was gorgeous today but I have been stuck inside for most of it as I have so much I need to get done. I’ve had to settle for having all the windows open plus the back door (which is a mere few feet away from my desk/work table).

With so much to do, I didn’t bother making a list. Firstly, it would have taken a fair bit of time and secondly, it would have been depressing to see the end result. So I had a slow start because I couldn’t mentally prioritise. That issue seems to have stayed with me all day sadly.

Once started, I have stayed busy as a beaver – only really stopping to eat a sandwich mid-day. Despite that, as I sit here to take a break, I can barely see that I have made any difference at all. It is not exactly depressing but it does lack any sense of satisfaction for all my efforts.

I am trying to remember what I actually have accomplished in an attempt to prove to myself that I have in fact done things today. That is one of the downsides to not making a list I suppose – not having a record to look at see all those invisible jobs that one has completed. The other downside is that I feel as if I have been chasing my tail all day.

Ever hear the expression “running about like a chicken with its head chopped off”? Well that is how I feel about my day! Yes it is slightly humorous. Still, it doesn’t make me feel I deserve to treat myself to time off tomorrow – which was the plan.

I had intended to get a lot more done by this point in the day in the hopes I could spend time in the garden tomorrow. Although the garden needs “work” doing, I never see it is that – to me garden time is play time. I have been itching for weeks to get out there. Now with the weather being so lovely it is even harder to resist.

Perhaps I’ll get a second wind this evening and can get a bit more done. Maybe I’ll get up tomorrow and whizz through the remaining “indoor” chores in the morning. IF those things happen then I might possibly get some time outside tomorrow afternoon.

Hmm … are you as (un)convinced as I am that will happen? Lol

 

Psaryce x

Clouds

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I have been going about with my head in the clouds. Grey ones, not the nice fluffy white ones. It feels like this has been happening for as long as I can remember but I know it’s only been a few weeks this time. I’m not living life, just existing. Every day is a struggle. I feel confused and continuously try to figure out a way to “snap out of it”. So far unsuccessfully. There are too many different things affecting me. Too many angles of attack. I can’t sort them out. I try to identify them all but cannot seem to get beyond the obvious.

All the medical tests have no doubt been cause for worry somewhere in my mind. I try to ignore it by telling myself “you are seeing the neurologist on Tuesday so no point in thinking about it until then”. I push any other thoughts away and force them down – even all the usual panics about getting to the appointment on time etc.

Money is always a source of discomfort. I’m not too good with managing it but the constant struggle gets me down. Bottom line is that ends just don’t meet. I have to be creative but am running out of ideas.

Sleep. I desperately wish we were on good terms. I toss and turn most of the night. I can’t get comfortable. I can’t relax. I can’t switch my mind off. I normally wake to a few short blissful moments where I feel rested. Until I actually get up. Then the effects of poor sleep hit me hard and I battle the consequences for the rest of the day.

Above all, there is a sense of detachment that I just cannot shake off. I feel trapped in someone else’s life. This cannot be MY life! I go through the motions of day-to-day life but fail to see the importance of most things. Nothing motivates. Nothing excites. The challenge of keeping up the pretence that all is well drains me. But I have no choice. I have to carry on. I have to do my best to maintain the illusion.

Psaryce x

Hope? Don’t Make Me Laugh!

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I haven’t much felt like writing this week with one thing or another going on. I had thought to write about the tests of torture I endured at the hospital but I am not really ready to put those ordeals into words. The feelings are still too raw.

Then a short while I ago, I came across a sweet little poem about “hope” on Facebook. It was a short ramble from the 1800s encouraging people to place their beliefs in some possibility without having a realistic clue about the likely outcome. Hmmm…

I think it is just pure bollocks! The whole concept is ridiculous when you think about it. I should set myself up to dream and aspire to something and leave it all to chance? I think not! It is far to unrealistic for me.

Now before you go labelling me as a pessimist, just hear me out. The dictionary definition of the word “hope” is …

                     “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”

Is that really enough? Doesn’t the fulfilment of one’s goals and desire require some sort of action? How can it make any sense to sit back and just want something but take no steps to ensure it happens? I’m sorry but it just seems too capricious to me. And too dependant on others.

Give me action! Give me control! Give me the power to guide my own life!

 

Psaryce x

I Love Freecycle!

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Yesterday I obtained some bedding via Freecycle. The man originally said 6 dustbin bags. It turned out to be 19 black bags!!! WooHoo!

These are just some of the items!

I have already filled a 50l tub and a 25 l tub with duvet covers!

So I spent all day sorting through and organizing everything into piles. Curtains, sheets, duvet covers, pillowcases, blankets, doilies, towels and pillows. It was great fun for me since with each hand grabbing into a black bag pulled out a mystery object. I haven’t, as yet, pulled out the favourites. Well okay with the exception of a pair of lime green silky curtains that have white vine-type flowers on them. The colour is gorgeous and I love the texture.

One thing I love about this lot of goodies is a lot of the items are very retro. There is even a few of those old 70s style bedcovers … the ones that are like a blanket but have the fluffy lines that make a design (okay will add a photo because this description does not work!).

Chocolate coloured bed cover

The colour combinations, patterns and textures of the oldie fabrics are so different from what is available today. Granted some of it I will be quite careful when planning what to use it for because it has that look and feel of being highly flammable. LOL I do often wonder how many people survived the terrifyingly combustible polyesters of the past. Given what we now know of those materials, in theory thousands, if not millions, should have perished in flames. Mind you, I am glad that didn’t happen … it is just in the scaremongering, over-protective society in which we now live, you would think that this sort of polyester is simply as toxic as asbestos.

Funky flowery polyester curtains

Anyways, I still have to find places to put all of these treasures whilst I plan, organise and create like mad. Or at least until the pile dwindles sufficiently enough to justify going on the prowl for more. Oh drats! That reminds me. I am getting a roll of upholstery fabric tomorrow. LOL I am going to be very, very busy 🙂

Psaryce x

Nice Quiet Day? NOT!

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So far everyday this week I have had to go out somewhere. So I was looking forward to a nice day at home. A chance to rest my legs and my mind. My mind’s been on overdrive this week so I wanted to put on some chill out music and settle down to an Agatha Christie novel.

At quarter to 9 this morning, a white van pulled up in the car park and soon the 2 men inside were banging away in my next door neighbour’s house. I live in an end of terraced house so it was rather loud. At times the vibrations caused my pictures on the walls to rattle. By 10.30, I’d had enough. My head was thumping and I was angry that my day had been so rudely disrupted.

Then I see that these men had laid all sorts of stuff out on my front garden! I saw red. I couldn’t think straight except to know I HAD to get out of the house asap. I didn’t know what the alternative was but just felt that if I didn’t get away bad things would happen.

So despite the pain in my legs, I hastily grabbed my bag and a jacket then left. I went into the village for over an hour. I browsed the charity shops and got a few groceries. I had calmed down a bit by then so set off for home once more. When I returned, not only had they added to the mess on my lawn, they’d moved their van into my parking space!

I immediately saw red once again.  I am not a pedantic person. If asked I would have agreed to them using my garden. I even tried to tell them that. It was that no one ever asked that upset me. I shouted to one of the guys that they hadn’t asked to use my garden and could they please move their van out of my space. Both men got a hump on and verbally attacked me saying I was being rude. That did it, I let loose. If they thought my first remarks were rude (which they weren’t although slightly said agitatedly), then I’d show them rude. So here I am, one female being admonished by two men when they had been the ones in the wrong.

My neighbour came out and tried to take the blame. One of the men claimed the company was called WBSL**. Neither of them would stop talking. They were pompous and completely disrespectful. When one of the men eventually moved the van, he did it as slowly as possible, it was into another reserved space and he put ½ of it into the grass. The ground is wet at the moment so my garden looks trampled and who knows what the van will have done to someone else’s lawn.

I came inside. I burst into tears. I don’t handle these situations very well. I felt I had been mistreated. Their actions were a lack of respect. And they had the nerve to try and blame me!I want to withdraw. I want nothing to do with any human being (except my daughter of course). I’m glad she’s at school. She wouldn’t understand why I am so upset. She hasn’t had to endure years and years of inconsiderate people. I wish she would never have to. But that isn’t something I can prevent. I just hope that she somehow learns to cope with rude people better than I.

Psaryce x

 

** I Googled “WBSL” in various ways … nothing! I looked in the Yellow Pages … nothing! I took down the license plate number. I don’t know if it will help me find the company but I want to complain so I will keep trying.