Monthly Archives: April 2012

My Nephew

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I know I have been ridiculously quiet the past few weeks. I’ve been juggling diabetes and depression. It is a vicious cycle.

Still, once in a while something comes along and brightens my day. This time it was finally finding my nephew’s YouTube channel and watching his videos. I’ve been trying to find it for a while now but never quite got round to asking the right people (that vicious cycle intruding on my life again – makes me forget things).

I thought my youngest would like to see it. Living an ocean apart from family, she does enjoy it when she can see parts of their lives. Pictures, videos, comments on Facebook, etc. I suppose it helps her feel connected to them.

I showed one of his videos to her this morning before she left for school. She was like “Wow! He can play the guitar!”. I left her to the computer and went to get dressed. When I returned, she was watching another while on her Blackberry downloading the first one. She said “I really like this song! It’s cool!”. Auntie pride and Mother love combined and gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. I smiled. Inside and out.

So here it is … the video …

 

 

Awesome job Tommy! Keep writing, keep playing and keep posting!

 

Psaryce x

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Self-Destruction

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I’m so angry I feel physically sick. I cannot still my mind. My hands are shaking. I want to lash out but there is no one here to attack. I want to scream but no one would hear. And I feel I need to be heard. I need you to hear me. I need you to actually listen and hear what I am feeling. But I know that cannot happen. It never has before so it is foolish to think it could now. I think you are incapable of seeing or understanding someone else’s point of view.

How else could you do this to me? Claiming to know I would be upset yet you do it anyway. You attitude cold and uncaring. Your closed comments all but say “tough shit if you don’t like it”. As always – what you want comes first. To hell with everyone else.

I want to drown. I want to sink into oblivion. I want to go somewhere that I can escape from the pain. I want to lose consciousness. I want to feel physical pain so raw that it blocks out these emotions. I want to find a way to give in. I want to forget that I have responsibilities – that later this evening I have to put on the adult, parental mask and pretend that I am strong. I cannot ignore that as desperately as I want to.

How would it feel to drink until I passed out? What else could I do to escape? Nothing appeals to my mind. It is all so temporary. I am tired sticking plasters on my life. I want something lasting – something real that I can rely on & that won’t break if I lean too heavily.

Later I will have to hide all that I feel inside right now. There will be no release of these emotions. I know they will eat away at me inside. I just hope that one day they manage to destroy themselves so I can be free.

 

Psaryce x

Why Did I Let It Bother Me?

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Sitting here wondering why I got upset earlier this evening. I think I was in a rather vulnerable place to begin with. Things over the past few days have not gone very well and other things coming up during the week have me extremely stressed out. In fact I’ve been quite down in mood all day … so yes I was in a semi-fragile state.

Then my ex called. He announced he will be coming down tomorrow with his (married) girlfriend to visit our daughter (and his other daughter from a previous marriage) for the day. Well to say I was shocked just doesn’t come close. I’ve been foolishly thinking about a reconciliation for the past few months. He’s been letting me think it a possibility all this time.

During the “conversation” it became apparent that it is not a spur of the moment thing – it had been planned for at least a week now. Lovely how no one had enough respect for me to tell me before now.

My request that the girlfriend not come near my house was met with a confused reaction as if I were insane for even asking. Is it really so unreasonable? I know nothing about this person. She is a stranger to me – why should I agree to her knowing where I live?!?! In my opinion that is no different than asking me to walk up to someone in the street and give them my address!

Now having had time to reflect on everything I realise the motives behind so much of this mess. A lot of them have been present for years – many contributed to things going so wrong. This sort of situation is so typical & reminds me of all the times I felt controlled. As I said, he “announced” his plans – it was usually that way. Even when the pretence of a discussion did occur, it was always quite obvious it was done merely for show. The decision had already been made and nothing anybody could say would change it.

Geez! No wonder my daughter says that all the time! I have forgotten just how pointless it is to try and put your own perspective across to him. Ugh. Now I am angry at myself and ashamed she has learned to react just they way I did all those years … keep quiet and play along. It is sad on so many levels!

Must ponder all this more – before I write any more as my thoughts are linking and connecting up at an exponential rate that I can’t keep up. Besides if I write much more then I’ll probably get a bunch of crap for it & be asked/told not to do this again!

 

Psaryce x