Why Did I Let It Bother Me?

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Sitting here wondering why I got upset earlier this evening. I think I was in a rather vulnerable place to begin with. Things over the past few days have not gone very well and other things coming up during the week have me extremely stressed out. In fact I’ve been quite down in mood all day … so yes I was in a semi-fragile state.

Then my ex called. He announced he will be coming down tomorrow with his (married) girlfriend to visit our daughter (and his other daughter from a previous marriage) for the day. Well to say I was shocked just doesn’t come close. I’ve been foolishly thinking about a reconciliation for the past few months. He’s been letting me think it a possibility all this time.

During the “conversation” it became apparent that it is not a spur of the moment thing – it had been planned for at least a week now. Lovely how no one had enough respect for me to tell me before now.

My request that the girlfriend not come near my house was met with a confused reaction as if I were insane for even asking. Is it really so unreasonable? I know nothing about this person. She is a stranger to me – why should I agree to her knowing where I live?!?! In my opinion that is no different than asking me to walk up to someone in the street and give them my address!

Now having had time to reflect on everything I realise the motives behind so much of this mess. A lot of them have been present for years – many contributed to things going so wrong. This sort of situation is so typical & reminds me of all the times I felt controlled. As I said, he “announced” his plans – it was usually that way. Even when the pretence of a discussion did occur, it was always quite obvious it was done merely for show. The decision had already been made and nothing anybody could say would change it.

Geez! No wonder my daughter says that all the time! I have forgotten just how pointless it is to try and put your own perspective across to him. Ugh. Now I am angry at myself and ashamed she has learned to react just they way I did all those years … keep quiet and play along. It is sad on so many levels!

Must ponder all this more – before I write any more as my thoughts are linking and connecting up at an exponential rate that I can’t keep up. Besides if I write much more then I’ll probably get a bunch of crap for it & be asked/told not to do this again!

 

Psaryce x

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