Self-Destruction

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I’m so angry I feel physically sick. I cannot still my mind. My hands are shaking. I want to lash out but there is no one here to attack. I want to scream but no one would hear. And I feel I need to be heard. I need you to hear me. I need you to actually listen and hear what I am feeling. But I know that cannot happen. It never has before so it is foolish to think it could now. I think you are incapable of seeing or understanding someone else’s point of view.

How else could you do this to me? Claiming to know I would be upset yet you do it anyway. You attitude cold and uncaring. Your closed comments all but say “tough shit if you don’t like it”. As always – what you want comes first. To hell with everyone else.

I want to drown. I want to sink into oblivion. I want to go somewhere that I can escape from the pain. I want to lose consciousness. I want to feel physical pain so raw that it blocks out these emotions. I want to find a way to give in. I want to forget that I have responsibilities – that later this evening I have to put on the adult, parental mask and pretend that I am strong. I cannot ignore that as desperately as I want to.

How would it feel to drink until I passed out? What else could I do to escape? Nothing appeals to my mind. It is all so temporary. I am tired sticking plasters on my life. I want something lasting – something real that I can rely on & that won’t break if I lean too heavily.

Later I will have to hide all that I feel inside right now. There will be no release of these emotions. I know they will eat away at me inside. I just hope that one day they manage to destroy themselves so I can be free.

 

Psaryce x

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