Monthly Archives: December 2015

Last of 2015?

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Happy-new-year-2016

So it’s nearly here … that moment when our calendar and clock obsessed society says that a new year has begun. But I’m not one to buy into the Gregorian calendar and rarely pay much attention to what time it is … often I have to think really hard or check to see what “day” it is.

As one who is on a Pagan path in life, my new year was back on 31st October … Halloween aka Samhain. It flows more in tune with nature, in my opinion, as it’s the end of the harvest, end of the lightest half of the year. It is a time when darkness begins to descend and a cycle of life in nature and spirit starts.

The turning of the year, to me, is when I begin to draw into myself and go into a sort of analysis mode. The dark days of winter are perfect for reflecting on one’s self and life. While this is similar to what most people in society do now, I began my pondering back on Halloween”.

I don’t subscribe to the tradition of making resolutions. To me they are too often shallow and focus on the short-term. Hence they are so easily broken. Instead, I believe in setting long-term goals that can be broken down into smaller steps. My annual analysis of self and life following Samhain is the time to review my goals and my performance over the year as I strive to attain them.

Sadly I have not been doing this in recent years. I have been wandering through my life without aim and because of that I ended up feeling lost and overwhelmed. In doing so, I have been giving away my control and my power. My defences had been weakening for many years before and it has taken me several more to get to this point. A place within on which I can build afresh and retake my life. So this year I began taking steps to try and climb out of that void so I can re-engage with my life full-on.

But still, I live within a society that cherishes it’s tradition of New Year’s Eve. On my path, I adopt the customs of a variety of people. Not just the society I live in but also ones I have studied from around the world. If a tradition or custom makes sense to me and I like it, I incorporate it into my life. At my basic nature, I am a Free Spirit so this way of life allows me to live free without boundaries.

So 2015 is going and 2016 is arriving. Millions will celebrate it and so will I along with some good friends. And as I raise a glass at the stroke of midnight (cliché or what?), I will be toasting in the coming year with the most basic Pagan belief chanting in my head…

And Harm None, So Mote It Be!

Psaryce x

A Lifelong Student

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I am a lifelong student. There is so much knowledge out in the world that I would dearly love to gain. I have studied a wide variety of subjects over the years. From Biomedical Science to Social Anthropology, including Yoga Instruction, Sociology, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, tarot, essential oils and so much more! I simply love to learn! It satisfies my inquisitive nature, fulfils a desire within me to grow/expand and it nurtures my aspirations to understand the world around me.

So, I have decided to treat myself and just snapped up a deal for an on-line course … Master Herbalist. Many years ago I took a mail order course in Herbalism that focused on using herbs around the house for a variety of things. It was a basic course designed to give a foundational knowledge of the basics. Since then I have continued to dabble in herbalism as and when the need to learn more arose.

This course I have just signed myself up for goes beyond the basics and comes with certifications to boot! Not that I care much about the certifications … I want to learn, absorb and expand my knowledge to another level. I’m so excited and can’t wait to begin!

In addition to my never-ending thirst for knowledge, my love of growing plants combined with my belief in the powers of herbs to heal makes this the perfect course for me. As I study, I can use the plants I already have and start growing new ones with the aim of gaining a deeper understanding of each herb. There’s nothing quite so good as hands-on learning in my opinion. Touching, smelling, tasting and using various herbs alongside the factual learning will be a fantastic holistic experience.

I love to grow my plants from seed. To tuck them gently into their beds of soil and carefully tend to them. Seeing the first little sprout beginning to push through the soil. Nurturing their fragile bodies as they grow into a seedling. Nourishing them as they continue to grow and develop into strong, hardy plants. It is a beautiful experience from the start and I could never tire of the joy I receive from growing plants.

Soon I will begin on this new journey in my life. A final gift to me from the year 2015 as it is coming to it’s end … an exciting adventure for me to take with me into the new year!  I am eager to begin. I am all set to embrace the experience. I am ready to grow, to expand, to learn!

 

Psaryce x

PS: Before posting this, I got the email giving access to the course and I couldn’t resist starting right away. At a glance it is what I would class as a college level course (not university level) but that won’t stop me reading widely around each module and gaining as much knowledge as I can! Now to go research the history of the use of herbs as medicine 🙂

Reflecting on 2015

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Overall, I am thankful. This time last year, my mother was in hospital and I was terrified that she wouldn’t make it through. At one point I felt she had given up fighting and the thought quashed all my hopes as if they were merely a gnat which the wicked witch of the West’s house had fallen on. They were very dark days filled with anger and frustration, worry and panic … days that I don’t care to think about or remember.

But as I said, I am thankful because she did pull through and is much better now. Me? I’m still a mess. Still in a dark place but nothing like back then. The darkness will always follow me; always threatened to pull me in. Some days, like today, are better than others. It’s a constant battle for me.

2015 brought other positives as well. Chrissy got her CBT and driver’s license so she could start riding her ped. Growing up so fast! It seems the older they get, the quicker the years fly by. I dread to blink my eyes for fear of finding myself transported 5 years into the future!

As for myself, I plucked up the courage to apply for and actually get a job! The fact that I became so overwhelmed and started getting panic attacks and cannot actually go to work right now shouldn’t take away that achievement. I did a lot while I was working … a lot! So regardless of my current working status, I’m gonna pat myself on the back for that one!

I was there to see my youngest go ballistic when she opened her GCSE results and found she not only passed but got better grades than she expected. She was so ecstatic and happy and in a state of blissful relief. I have rarely seen her react with so little restraint about anything. She was literally jumping for joy and I will cherish those moment for the rest of my life.

Then there was her Prom. She was simply stunning! We spent the afternoon at a salon having her make-up done (this after a previous trip for the tan and nails). Her best friend did her hair and, naturally, she re-applied make-up her own way (professionals aren’t good enough lol). The final result was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. She even seemed to enjoy having her picture taken when she got out of the car by the photographers (plus Lou and I) … a wee bit of a paparazzi moment.

My own life started going downhill in August when the panic attacks began. It was following a particularly stressful time at work and but still feels like it was far too sudden. One day I felt a bit under pressure (no problem, I got this) and the next I was paralysed with fright that I couldn’t explain. I still can’t. Meanwhile I have begun having flashbacks to moments in my life I really do not want to remember. Yippee. I have been waiting for treatment beyond pills since September. I’m still on a waiting list because the first place I was referred to can’t help me. But I am still plodding through the dark days and carrying on as best I can.

The legs started playing up last month. Again just suddenly like the panic attacks. One day I’m walking along just fine and the next WHAM! My thighs say “No!”. They just do not work. Walking is a chore and I can’t go too far without getting afraid of stepping (wobbling or shuffling) beyond the point of no return. Climbing stairs is flat out embarrassing because I have to crawl up them on all fours (my arms doing most of the work). I now hire an electric scooter if I go into the city centre because I just can’t walk that much. But I am thankful that I have that option – it gives me a bit of freedom and saves me so much pain the next day.

I am most thankful that Chrissy was not more injured in her accident this month. After a 4×4 cut her up and knocked her off her ped that she was able to (eventually) walk out of the A&E department on crutches with scrapes and aches completely amazed me. Words cannot describe how lucky I feel, how relieved and grateful I am.

I am thankful for both of my daughters (Crystal and Chrissy), my mother, my sisters (Sandy and Donna) and my friends. They have all at times been my rock this year. They have offered good advice, encouraged me and made me laugh. What more could I ask for?

So, 2015 you were not all that bad really. I bid you adieu in a few days without the curse that 2014 got when it left. And when you see 2016 on your way out, could you ask it to give me a great year this time please?

 

Psaryce x

Beginning Again

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I have recently been persuaded to begin writing on my blog again. I gave in to the arguments in the pro column and here I am. The problem is that I have no idea what to write about!

I’m a rather reactive sort of person so in the past, my entries have mostly been about whatever was going on in my life. That can sometimes be a good thing if you channel the positives. I didn’t. As I said I can be quite reactive so the entries tended to be indirect attacks on specific people who were, for wont of a better phrase, pissing me off. I suppose that is okay from time to time but I began to feel all I was doing was moaning and whinging and I didn’t think my readers really wanted to be subjected to my turmoil in that way. So I stopped writing and want to avoid this turning into a bitchfest once again.

I have plenty of health issues (such as diabetes, depression, anxiety, panic attacks) and it was suggest this could be a way of tracking all that is going on with my body. But I do wonder (again) do my readers really want to hear all about it? Like how depressing having diabetes really is; how it can be so frustrating trying to get it right; how you feel like a constant failure because it is impossible to get right all of the time. Once again, I don’t see a problem with posting about my health once in a while but feel I need to be wary of it becoming another subject for moaning and whinging. So I shall try to limit posts about my medical issues.

It was also suggested as a way of self-analysis or reflection. Perhaps a way to discover me! What makes me tick? How and why do I react to things? Are there any patterns? Can I make any changes for the better? As with the previous angles, I think this too would get boring for my readers.

What else could I write about? Plenty I am sure! Those who know my will be aware that I can be very opinionated. Caution must be taken in this area as well. I mean, who am I to pontificate as if I’m an expert when I’m not?

I could also just write about my daily life with the aim of keeping friends and family informed. I suppose that has the possible advantage of being more varied in the content but also runs the risk of being monotonous. I’m not currently experiencing lots of changes from day-to-day and worry I won’t be creative to capture and hold people’s attention for more than a few days. It would be a challenge to turn the mundane and oridinary into something interesting to read though … hmm I shall ponder on that one!

So those are things I think that I should aim to avoid doing in my posts. Why is it usually easier to say what you don’t want than it is to work out what you do want?

I guess until I work out what it is that I want to write, I’ll just ramble on about lots of things in the hope that I will find something to stick with.

Just checked and I haven’t posted in over 2 years!! Since it’s been so long, I’m not even sure anybody will actually see this post. So I ask that those of you who do, please let me know that you still get notified and also PLEASE help me chose some content ideas! Give me a task, a subject … what would you like me to write about? Let me know here or on Facebook or whatever … just let me know please 🙂

Bright Blessings,

Psaryce x