Reflecting on 2015

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Overall, I am thankful. This time last year, my mother was in hospital and I was terrified that she wouldn’t make it through. At one point I felt she had given up fighting and the thought quashed all my hopes as if they were merely a gnat which the wicked witch of the West’s house had fallen on. They were very dark days filled with anger and frustration, worry and panic … days that I don’t care to think about or remember.

But as I said, I am thankful because she did pull through and is much better now. Me? I’m still a mess. Still in a dark place but nothing like back then. The darkness will always follow me; always threatened to pull me in. Some days, like today, are better than others. It’s a constant battle for me.

2015 brought other positives as well. Chrissy got her CBT and driver’s license so she could start riding her ped. Growing up so fast! It seems the older they get, the quicker the years fly by. I dread to blink my eyes for fear of finding myself transported 5 years into the future!

As for myself, I plucked up the courage to apply for and actually get a job! The fact that I became so overwhelmed and started getting panic attacks and cannot actually go to work right now shouldn’t take away that achievement. I did a lot while I was working … a lot! So regardless of my current working status, I’m gonna pat myself on the back for that one!

I was there to see my youngest go ballistic when she opened her GCSE results and found she not only passed but got better grades than she expected. She was so ecstatic and happy and in a state of blissful relief. I have rarely seen her react with so little restraint about anything. She was literally jumping for joy and I will cherish those moment for the rest of my life.

Then there was her Prom. She was simply stunning! We spent the afternoon at a salon having her make-up done (this after a previous trip for the tan and nails). Her best friend did her hair and, naturally, she re-applied make-up her own way (professionals aren’t good enough lol). The final result was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. She even seemed to enjoy having her picture taken when she got out of the car by the photographers (plus Lou and I) … a wee bit of a paparazzi moment.

My own life started going downhill in August when the panic attacks began. It was following a particularly stressful time at work and but still feels like it was far too sudden. One day I felt a bit under pressure (no problem, I got this) and the next I was paralysed with fright that I couldn’t explain. I still can’t. Meanwhile I have begun having flashbacks to moments in my life I really do not want to remember. Yippee. I have been waiting for treatment beyond pills since September. I’m still on a waiting list because the first place I was referred to can’t help me. But I am still plodding through the dark days and carrying on as best I can.

The legs started playing up last month. Again just suddenly like the panic attacks. One day I’m walking along just fine and the next WHAM! My thighs say “No!”. They just do not work. Walking is a chore and I can’t go too far without getting afraid of stepping (wobbling or shuffling) beyond the point of no return. Climbing stairs is flat out embarrassing because I have to crawl up them on all fours (my arms doing most of the work). I now hire an electric scooter if I go into the city centre because I just can’t walk that much. But I am thankful that I have that option – it gives me a bit of freedom and saves me so much pain the next day.

I am most thankful that Chrissy was not more injured in her accident this month. After a 4×4 cut her up and knocked her off her ped that she was able to (eventually) walk out of the A&E department on crutches with scrapes and aches completely amazed me. Words cannot describe how lucky I feel, how relieved and grateful I am.

I am thankful for both of my daughters (Crystal and Chrissy), my mother, my sisters (Sandy and Donna) and my friends. They have all at times been my rock this year. They have offered good advice, encouraged me and made me laugh. What more could I ask for?

So, 2015 you were not all that bad really. I bid you adieu in a few days without the curse that 2014 got when it left. And when you see 2016 on your way out, could you ask it to give me a great year this time please?

 

Psaryce x

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