When the base of your world vanishes and you find yourself plummeting and scrambling for a hold on anything at all that will stop the fall, you would expect there to be a sense of fear. I don’t feel that yet. I am numb. Perhaps I’m still in shock.
I’m no longer hurtling downward but I haven’t yet hit anything solid. I am sort of hovering, just dangling about in the middle of nothing. There are no conscious sensations of touch … no bottom, top or side. There isn’t even any air where I am at the moment. It is a strange sensation. If I’d been asked this morning, I would have said that I’ve been here before. I would have labelled this “place” as limbo. But I would have been wrong on both counts.
I’ve never been here before nor would I have chosen to be now or ever. It’s not a nice place. It isn’t the dark void of depression … it is far beyond that.It is a dead place. There are no energies positive or negative. I hear nothing, smell nothing. There are only two sensations. One is an acrid, almost metallic taste in my mouth. I feel dry to the core as if all the liquids have been sucked out of me. The other is the sight. I am surrounded and suspended in a marble of putrid green and black. It compliments the caustic sting in my mouth.
I know not how to escape this environment yet I sense that none of my skills in dealing with the darkness will be helpful. This situation will require tactics I haven’t learned as yet. I’m paralyzed – it feels as if every cell in my being is paralyzed. My vocabulary is limited to adjectives, my ability to think doesn’t extend beyond description. I cannot breathe but feel no need to – perhaps it is the thought of the obnoxious vapours entering my body that prevents me from inhaling.
There are some similarities to when I have been in the depths of desolation. For instance I have no desires at all. I do not want for anything to happen nor anything to change. The concept of a change happening that will improve my existence is foreign – such a thing simply cannot occur. I am beyond longing, beyond hoping, beyond believing.
There is also a sense of calmness. It is comforting in a way. The lack of belief in any change forces one to accept the state you are in and it’s so easy. Time doesn’t exist so you are not aware of how long you are held in the strange prison. You don’t even question where you are, what boundaries there are … you simply know that you are confined and you don’t care.
There’s a very good reason why you don’t care … because to be there means you don’t have to feel the full power of your pain. You are in a sort of bubble which is protecting you from reality. It is your escape, your safe haven as well as your prison.