Self Sabotage

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I’m still feeling quite raw following the events of the week. I don’t think I’m in any shape to begin making decisions about my life though. Even so, there is a nagging voice within me that is pressing me to begin. Pressure leads to increased anxiety so my recovery is being sabotaged by my own mind.

That voice, I know, is one developed from societal expectations. It’s messages are all bullshit but so ingrained into my subconscious they still hold some sort of power over me. They barrage me with all the “You should do this”, “You should be this way”, “You ought to be better at life by now/at your age”, etc. In my conscious mind, I don’t believe there are set ways to live one’s life. Life comes in so many various forms and I don’t think we are meant to live our life in the exact same way as anyone else. Yet those deep-rooted concepts that have been collected since birth are hard to break free.

This morning, I struggled to find one good reason to get out of bed. I tried to think of things that had to get done but nothing that came to my mind seemed to be that important. Eventually I got up purely because I was no longer physically comfortable lying in bed.

There are loads of things I would like to get done today but my physical limitations make it too hard to accomplish them. Just thinking about the struggle required to do even one of the tasks plunges me into an even lower mood. At times like this, I often let go of my desires to tackle the every day jobs most people complain about but yet are physically able to do without pain or frustration. In a sense, I give up because there is too much to be done and I know I haven’t the ability or strength needed. I get overwhelmed and begin a mental cycle that loops from desire to change things to depression over lack of capability. This cycle drags me down rapidly as the depression side gains power. Ultimately, I am exhausted by the mental process and can do very little if anything.

Even through this, that voice clambers on berating me for being inadequate. It tells me I am a failure as an adult. I should have my act together by now. I act more like a child than an adult. I ought to snap out of it/get a grip.

I know it is a voice of the ignorant and the things it says are not true, I cannot seem to shut it up. Now is a time I need to relax and give myself space to heal but that voice is relentless and distracts me from obtaining clarity. I wouldn’t say it is a daily struggle. It is a minute by minute struggle which threatens to consume me.

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