Unfathomable Question

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It’s obvious from my blog and posts on other social media that I have been going through a rough time the past few months. I suffer from deep depression, anxiety, panic attacks and also traumatic flashbacks of being raped and sexually abused. I don’t keep my mouth shut about any of it really. I write my way through my feelings and through situations. I share it all so they those who know me may understand me better and those that don’t may benefit as well. It might help some people to feel less alone in their own troubles. It could help others to understand someone in their life who suffers in ways similar to me. The point is, I don’t make it a secret.

Recently, I decided to have a day out. A trip with people I think of as ‘like-minded’ in their way of life. It’s the first time in months that I have gotten even the littlest bit excited about anything. I was looking forward to a nice day in good company. It was all settled. One way or another I would go and I was happy in having made that decision.Then it all changed.

I received a message asking would I mind if Mr X came too. The person asking knows I had a bad time of things with said man. I was a bit shocked to be honest. My feelings about this person are well known and the reasons behind them. My anxiety shot through the roof and panic set in. I hastily responded that I would not go if Mr X was to be there. I said that I understood that others wanted to prove he did not bother them but in my current poor health, I was not in any shape to cope. Next message said “I’ll sleep on it”!!!! WTF? What is there to think about???

Well I slept on it too and decided I no longer wanted to go regardless. I decided that even if Mr X wasn’t there, I didn’t want to spend the day with anyone who could be so unthoughtful. Mr X had posed as a friend of mine for a few weeks. In that time he lied to me about his past and present situation. He sat in my garden and indirectly slagged off everything that I am. But I let that pass. When he came over the next time, he tried to force himself on me while my daughter and another friend of mine were just outside the house. He groped at me and the harder I tried to push him away the more he seemed to enjoy it. When he finally left that day, I blocked him from my life completely.

I do not turn my back on anyone easily. I had let the slagging off drop without pressing him about it but I will never, ever tolerate anyone who tries to use physical force against me. It is unacceptable – end of.

So to find myself in a situation where I am being asked do I mind spending an entire day with this man baffles me. It upset me greatly as well. I am also a bit confused because he had also managed to upset others who were going. Why would they want him there if he had truly upset them?

I then got angry about it. I got angry that anyone could consider asking that of me. I tried to find a reason why they would and only found two possibilities:

  1. Purely financial because the more who attend, the less it would cost per person
  2. My feelings about him were not considered to be justified – perhaps I just overreacted

I would hate to think that the second reason was the truth. I have always thought more of the person who asked the question than that. I had thought them a more kindred spirit when it comes to emotional trauma. But then again, I would also hate to think that it was driven by money. Again I thought better of the questioner than to be financially motivated to that degree.

So I spent today with helping a real friend and no longer really care about the day out. She & I are planning our own adventure in the near-ish future. At least I know that she understands and can be trusted not to ask such things of me.

Some might ask why write this if I truly don’t care? The answer is simple. Writing gives me closure. In addition there is a small bit of hope in me that says perhaps by writing and posting your story on-line, you may help others to stand their ground or teach others not to ask indelicate questions or expect someone to consider doing anything they are uncomfortable with. Who knows, someone may even learn to put the feelings of others above financial gain.

Psaryce x

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