With all the turmoil I have been going through lately, I am very conscious of the negativity that has been dominating my life. I have been trying to do things that could help dispel it but keep running into obstacles, barriers and dead ends. It has me feeling like a turtle. I have tentatively poked my head out of my shell only to withdraw it back in quickly so as to avoid absorbing too many more negative vibes.
First I planned to attend a drumming healing circle. Unfortunately the organizer had a very sad family situation arise and had to cancel the event. Snap! Back in went my head as I tried to cope with their devastating news as well as my own feelings of disappointment.
I gave it a few days and then decided to grab an opportunity to go on a day trip to the magickal land of Glastonbury. For reasons I have previously written about, that plan also failed. I couldn’t get my head back into my shell fast enough!
The obligatory 3rd bit of “things come in 3” was finding out that my GP’s referral to the psychiatrist has been refused. She told me they don’t feel I meet their requirements. Since last August, my GP and I have been trying everything we can think of to get me the help I need for my anxiety and depression. We are both so frustrated now and have no idea what else we can try. I must admit this news hit me hard and my spirit took a dive into a downward spiral.
Then I spent some time with a good friend and started to feel a bit better. My swirling thoughts and emotions hadn’t intruded while I was visiting her so I had a lovely time. It was then I had the idea of us going to a fantastic little “New Age” shop one day. I have some bits and pieces I’d like to get (candles and such) and again my head began to taste the outside world. Also while visiting, I spied a book that spoke to me and she kindly allowed me to borrow it.
Over the weekend, I disconnected electronically a lot more than normal. I burned White Sage incense, lit lots of candles and played several of my many ambience music CDs. These range from Native American to Reiki, Buddhist monk chanting to Feng Shui. I had created a peaceful environment in which I read from the book, made some personal plans, wrote in my BOS and meditated using my Rose Quartz orb to try and clear/heal my Heart Chakra. The energies I received from the orb were strong and amazing but I still think I have much more work to do in order to free my heart.
So things were looking up again. I was connecting to positive energies again. I was feeling calmer. My worries were temporarily suspended as I focused on what my own Spirit needed. Then this morning arrives and with it reality. I had to accept that the house’s heating is playing up again and admit to myself that it’s been off for days. That means contacting my landlord about it – again! But worse, my financial troubles have once again surfaced with a swipe to my recently exposed face (remember I am like a turtle in this and my head has been peeking out to investigate my world). It turns out I couldn’t really have afforded to go to the drumming or Glastonbury and I won’t have anything spare for the bits & pieces I wanted to get at the NA shop either. I can barely get my rent paid and with other bills being due won’t have anything to spend on food. This is an ongoing struggle and I suck at juggling anything – especially money that I don’t have.
I have whacked on the ambient sounds again, lit the incense and am trying my best to not let this money stuff intrude on my newly acquired feelings. I had not reached even a balance of positive and negative but was heading in the right direction. It has taken many. many months to get to this point and I dread letting it slip away again. I want to stay in this cocoon I have built over the weekend. I feel cozy, warm and comfortable here. But I can’t stay here and I don’t yet know how to take the positive feelings with me when I step outside of this bubble.