For weeks I have had a multitude of thoughts running through my head but I lack the focus to record them properly. I’m in a sort of self-analysis mode and trying to find my way through all the bullshit that clogs my mind. I seem to be anxious about everything little thing these days an jump at the most ridiculously mundane stuff – like the microwave pinging.So I thought maybe I’d try and spew some of this out in a blog post as a way of detoxing my head. It could work! Maybe!
Frustration over my physical limitations at the moment are at a high. Everything is a struggle so when I do feel a tiny bit better, I tend to push myself far too hard. I pay the consequence though, don’t worry. I’ve had a whole 2 “good” days in the last 4 weeks. FFS! I am only 47! This morning I put a load of laundry into the washing machine. The basket of dirties was right under the hole where you stuff items in so it wasn’t like I had been lugging it around all through the house. I just went over and stuffed the clothes in and added the soap then switched it on. Simple right? Not really. I felt unbalanced the whole time and struggled not to go ass over so by the time I was done, I had to sit down and recover. It wasn’t even heavy items and I had to recover from it?! Pathetic my mind says. But my body was insistent on the rest. My legs felt shaky and my anxiety levels were high (fear of falling over, whacking my head and no one around to call 999 before I bled to death). Oh my mind. My wonderfully neurotic mind loves to play these scenarios of the worst case. It’s so draining mentally and it never stops!
My physical battle to do simple things coupled with my warped mind makes existing a rather unhappy. I get so angry at people who could (and in my opinion SHOULD) help me get things done. I have spent majority of my life caring for others, putting everyone else first (at times to my own detriment) that I feel a little bit of “returning the favour”should be in order. I don’t know how to put myself first. I have responsibilities regardless of how I feel and I cannot ignore them. But I was raised to respect others and offer help whenever I could. So to be in this situation, where I get no help from anyone at all, just winds me up. I force myself to do as much as I possibly can for myself but for months now, it just isn’t good enough. I feel like a nothing. I don’t feel I matter to anyone, well not anyone that is close enough geographically to help.
That then leads to fury at some people who have all the household resources that would make my life a bit easier (like a dishwasher!) and who don’t have the physical barriers that I fight against constantly who complain regularly at how crap their life is. What I wouldn’t give to have their health, their physical strength! Yes I would still have depression and anxiety to deal with but to be able to do the dishes without having to rest every few minutes would make my life SO much easier! For the record, I don;t even have space in my tiny kitchen for a dishwasher so even if I had the money, I still couldn’t fulfil that particular dream.
Which brings us onto Dreams. I try not to go there as I find it too depressing. I cannot see anything occurring in my future to change my life in the drastic ways that I would wish. I’m stuck on low income and with no real resources to make a difference. I know that some big changes will come (like whenever Chrissy moves out) but I try hard not to think about them because simply acknowledging the impending upheaval tires me out. I have been trying to get rid of things I no longer need but even that is too much for me to cope with. I have several bags and boxes of stuff to donate to charity shops but I don’t have the physical ability to get it to the car. And now they have sat there so long it just annoys the crap out of me to see it everyday. Seeing it first thing in the morning sets me in a low mood instantly. Then I notice all the other things that need to be done (the floors need hoovering, the dishes in the sink, the dust on the shelves, the windows – omg the windows are dreadful!) and my mood drops even more. I get overwhelmed by it all and end up feeling paralysed and enable to act because I know I cannot do it all. I don;t even know where to start!
Well the washing machine has just finished so I guess for today I will have to start with the task of getting the laundry out and hung up somewhere. Besides, I have rambled on enough (even though I have barely explored the many thoughts I wanted to).