Following a recent incident where I felt harassed by someone I used to call a friend and which caused my anxiety levels to go through the roof and spawn off two panic attacks, I have been thinking. As you do. And I came to some conclusions.
Firstly, when you cannot see the hurt and harm you cause others, it is easy to feel rejected and used. People react to the way you treat them and when you do things knowing they will cause upset, they will instinctively retreat from you. Usually, they will not say anything or try to explain because they know it would be a pointless act.When someone cannot see the effect of their actions, they cannot listen either.
For example my recent situation … a man sent me a message late the other night. It didn’t make much sense to me (and several others I showed were just as confused by it). In the message, he appeared to be implying that I should not have a car in order to pay him money … suggesting it would be cheaper for me without it. This is not true as I have so many hospital appointments at present and it would cost me a heck of a lot more in taxis (I cannot use the bus due to my anxiety). Anyway that is what the message seemed to be saying but I couldn’t say for certain.
When I didn’t reply (no point as I could tell he was at the very least drunk again), he began to pester me with more messages. Again by the tone and content, I saw no point in replying as it would only spur him on and I quite frankly haven’t the energy. But then he began calling the house … 5 calls in 15 minutes and then I truly felt harassed. I rang the police and got a report number. I was terrified at this point that he would turn up at my door in a state of drunkenness. He has done this before despite knowing my anxiety of unexpected knocks at the door so it wouldn’t surprise me if he did it again.
I don’t cope with confrontation and certainly not one where alcohol is an influential factor. It takes me right back to my childhood and my alcoholic father shouting the odds at all hours of the day and night. Panic sets in. I want to hide, I want to flee. At present the best I can do is lock myself into the house and hope all will be well. But I jumped at every sound from outside … a car door closing, people walking past, etc. This is no way to live. Trust me, this is me everyday without being hassled by people I have no desire to speak to.The behaviour of this man only make it a thousand times worse.
On the advice of the police, I sent 1 message to him. It said “In an effort to make this very clear … I do not wish for you to contact me in any form. Please do not call, message or come to my house. I am writing this on the advice of the police.” The policeman told me to contact them again if he replied or contacted me in any way after sending this message. He did of course so now I will have to ring the police back and give an update.
By the way, I don’t owe this man anything but even if I did, his behaviour is unacceptable. Why? Because he knows my situation, knows I am vulnerable and have anxiety and also that I live alone with my daughter. I feel like prey.