Monthly Archives: January 2017

Stuff! Too Much Stuff! Help!

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So my plan is to clear the clutter from the house in order to clear the mind. On paper (and in my mind) it’s a great plan with lots of possible benefits. In reality there are obstacles I will need to overcome.

The main problem is that having no transport means it will be difficult to get the stuff out of the house. There are things which I would like to donate to charities but I have no way of getting them there. Useful things like clothes and coats that should go to the local clothes bank so those in need can have them. I have a box of stuff that would be useful to the local scrapstore as well (and more could be added to it as well). I don’t want to just throw these things in the rubbish for it to go to a landfill site and add to those mounting hills of stuff.

Yes, some things will be posted to give away for free. But that involves extra work and I only have but so much energy everyday to do things. So only a small number of items will be dealt with this way. I’m not going to photo every item of clothing and post it up as it would take too much time and energy.

There are very few items that can be sold on. Well they could but again it is the hassle of taking photos and posting it for sale then dealing with the whole sale process.And it is a hassle for low priced items. I know some people making money by selling small priced items but the money I’d get just wouldn’t be worth it to me.

If only the weather were better. I could clear out the shed and use that space for holding stuff until I can get transport to take them for donations. But sadly, it’s too wet and cold for that just yet.

So what should I do?  I can’t quite work it out in my mind. I don’t want to pile things up in a spot in the house and have to look at it all the time until I can get another car. I’m at a loss. Can anyone give me some advice please??

 

Psaryce x

Laundry Love

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Maybe it’s my age but I find that little things are usually better than the big stuff. The stuff that is ordinary in our day-to-day lives. Things that seem insignificant but when you stop to think they are what makes you smile.

Don’t get me wrong. I could go out for a day and have a lovely time doing this or that. It could be very memorable but that’s just it – it will only be a memory. It won’t happen every day. It won’t catch me unawares and make me smile quite the way that some things do.

Fresh laundry is one of those little things for me. I simply love the smell! Whether it’s folding the newly dried items, dressing in the morning, getting a clean towel out or changing the bed linens, I cannot help but smile when the scent hits me. No matter what the weather is doing outside, inside I am transported to a summer’s day full of sunshine and warmth. Perhaps that is why doing the laundry is my least hated household chore.

I can’t explain why. It isn’t just the scent or I’d like doing the dishes more than I do. I’ve tried many dish soaps and my favourite is an orange scented one. I could sit and smell it all day long. It’s fresh, lifting and I truly love it. But it doesn’t inspire me; it doesn’t make the job any easier for me. Not like the smell of laundry does.

It’s strange that – how one scent can do so much and be activating and another, just as loved, isn’t. I never really sat and ponder about this before. Now I am intrigued. I wonder if it is because laundry items are more tactile. I mean we don’t go around sniffing our dishes after all. But laundry items whether it is clothes, towels or linens are all things we can grab hold of, bring them to our face and inhale the aroma. Laundry, when you think about it, is all things that we wrap ourselves in. The clothes we wrap our bodies in, the sheets we snuggle into at night.  You can’t cuddle with the dishes but material items, they can be like little hugs.

Think about what little things make you smile. Stop and take the time to enjoy them. Consider why they make you smile and how they make you feel. Try to find one little thing each day that takes you away for a moment and transports you to another place.

 

Psaryce xx

Routines Are Good

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Despite being called a “free spirit”, I like routines. They help keep me grounded. They help my brain to think a bit more orderly. I gain a sense of purpose or meaning to my existence. I have a vague morning routine and one at night.

In the morning, I stumbled down the stairs and go straight to the kettle. Once that’s going, I venture to my desk to collect yesterday’s cup and switch the computer on. Back to the kitchen to make the cup of life then I go sit down at my desk in the conservatory. I browse through the posts on Facebook as I light up a cigarette and take my first sips of the sweet, creamy coffee in my cup.

I peruse the “On This Day” posts and share the ones that make me laugh, smile or which I still feel strongly about. I set a sage incense stick burning and start playing a Chakra healing CD. Then onto Outlook to weed through the emails that accumulated overnight.

On days I blog, this is the point where I start. Other days, I write a list of things to do during the day. Twice a month (now I don’t have wheels to get out), I order my groceries online. Every Friday, I have to get going more quickly as I have to get to my therapist appointment. I don’t usually blog on those mornings as I am too filled with anxiety.

After that, well that is where I get all confused and don’t know what to do. Even though I have a “To Do” list, I struggle. I know I have hours ahead of me to get things done and have no sense of priority to do them. Most days I only get 1 or 2 things done – if that. I try to list 6 tasks every day. But without being held accountable, I rarely do much of anything.

In fact, I honestly couldn’t tell you what I have actually done most days. I often have rough nights where I don’t get much sleep so I feel drained the next day. It’s hard to get motivated when you feel like you were up all night. Sometimes the disturbed sleep is from my diabetes. Sometimes it’s from pain. Other times, I can see no reason at all why I wake every hour. So I often have a nap during the day on the couch. I choose the couch so I don’t sleep too long – it isn’t that comfy.

There is so much I want to do but can’t seem to find the energy or else I’m distracted by pain. It is frustrating. Sometimes it is fun stuff, like crafting, but I don’t feel I deserve to play before I get the work done. So often the fun stuff never happens.

At night, I normally take a drink upstairs and get ready for bed. I take my medicines and then I call my Mommy. We talk for about an hour each night catching up on our days or just generally chatting. After that, I usually read a chapter of whatever book I’m reading at the time. Then it’s lights out with the hopes that this will be a good night. That I won’t wake until morning has come.

So I have my mornings and nights sorted. It’s all the hours in between that I need to structure better so I don’t feel like I am lost and just wandering. Do you have routines? What are they? Do you have any advice for me on how to get my days organized?

 

Psaryce xx

Rode The Bus and Now Half Dead

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So this Friday gone, I did it! I succeeded where I had previously failed. I took the 2 buses to get to my therapy appointment. But of course all did not go smoothly – do they ever?

Fortunately it was a dry, sunny day. I set out a bit early so I could stop at the shop before the first bus arrived. I get there and discover that my bank card wasn’t where it should be! I didn’t have it on me. The night before I’d sent my daughter to the shop with it and turns out she still had it in her coat pocket. This I only discovered after frantically trying to top up my phone so I could send messages. Frantic because first I didn’t like being out with no cash on me an second because Vodafone’s menu system is a nightmare. Plus I was cold and really wanted to get my gloves back on.

The bus came and I used my bus pass for the very first time. I was worried it wouldn’t take it (another reason I wanted some cash on me). But the little light went green and I was on my way. I have done this exact route into town many times a few years back but still was on the edge of my seat the whole way. I did my best to just look out of the window and breathe. I listened to some relaxing music on my headphones but just couldn’t relax. It helped though.

In town, I left that bus with a “Thank You” to the driver and set about walking round the corner to where I was to get the second bus. I was early so stepped away from the people and had a cigarette. There was a bus sat in the bus lane with “Not In Service” on his sign and a delivery van a bit further down blocking the lane. It made me nervous that I wouldn’t see my bus coming. It caused a bit of chaos and a back-up on the road as buses tried to squeeze into the little space left.

I nearly missed my bus because I was so worried about it coming that I almost didn’t notice the “Not In Service” bus had started up and was the one I needed. My anxiety was heightened on this journey as I had never ridden it before. I knew where I needed to get off but struggled to remember the landmarks of the road (I have driven up and down the road many times before). A young man got on in a rush to get to hospital as his partner was being induced that morning. He was a nice guy and talking helped me a bit to cope with my anxiety.

I got to my stop and got off. My plan had been to go for a coffee in a cafe since I was 40 mins early. But no bank card foiled that plan. So I set off for my therapists office. I hadn’t realised while driving this was uphill. My hip was already in a lot of pain from walking first thing and the jolting of the buses. And the wind was blowing strongly. Uphill and into the wind for 10 minutes. I arrived for my appointment 30 minutes early. Frozen to the bone. The receptionist took pity and made me a cup of coffee. I was very grateful.

Afterwards, I found the right stop and made it back to town. I decided that instead of rushing to catch the bus home, I would meander a bit. The next one would come in just over an hour. So, I went to the bank and withdrew some cash over the counter. I treated myself to Taco Bell for lunch. I posted some letters. And I bought myself a new dress and socks. A bit more relaxed I went to the stop and caught my bus home.

The walk home was hard. I was in a lot of pain by this point and felt completely drained energy-wise. I got in my house, dropped everything and collapsed on the couch. I slept for two hours. When I awoke, I was still tired but able to manage a bit better.

Since then, I have been useless. Between exhaustion and pain I have done nothing but rest and recover. It’s two days later and I’m now just able to write. All of this has meant that I haven’t yet been able to enjoy my success. I haven’t been able to pat myself on the back and say “Well done you”. My brain doesn’t really work like that. It is more apt to say “People do this all day everyday – you’re nothing special. This is no great feat”. Now my mind is already filled with “But can we manage next Friday?”. I do wish it would just stop for a moment sometimes and feel the good stuff before worrying again.

 

Psaryce xx

The Need For Others

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So I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking and analysing lately. I’ve been trying to get out of another rut of depression to be honest. Problem was I didn’t even realise I was in quite as deep as I actually was. I thought it was just my usual winter-hibernation mode that I go through annually. But in talking to some people, I realised it was more than just being introverted.

Thanks go first to my soul sister Lesley for telling me what’s what. Despite being in severe pain, she talked with me through some things and brought to light some simple home truths. Basically she kind of gave my a kick up the bum and told me off. Sometimes I really need that and am so grateful that she does this for me. She pointed out that the depression had its grip on me again and that I needed to do battle against it. I love our relationship. I love that she can see what I need and tell me. Not dithering or dancing about the subject – just straight forward advice that is much appreciated.

Thanks also go to my sister Donna. We share a lot of similar issues in our lives and so can really relate to one another. Again we have an openness that allows us to speak freely. But where Lesley is straightforward speaking, Donna is more of an analyst. She asks probing questions and gets me thinking about things from a fresh perspective. In speaking with Donna, my mind is challenged to think about things in a different way. This opens up further opportunities for me. It expands my thinking and therefore allows me to grow.

To goes to show, me at least, the value of having the right people in your life. Ones who balance you out. Ones who can be tough with you when needed, ones ho can open your mind. Neither of these conversations were simplistic but were both deep and meaningful. I cannot say in words just how grateful I am to have these two beautiful women in my life. I value our relationships to no end. Thank you both.

 

Psaryce x

 

Failure

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I tried. I really tried. I had it all planned out and it was actually quite simple. Walk to the bus stop. Catch the #3 into town. Get off bus and wait 5 minutes. Catch the Uni6 into Portswood. Get off bus and walk round the corner.

The anxiety started the evening before. I even had a proper panic attack that evening. My heart raced, my mind raced, I shook all over, I was sweaty and clammy. The worse scenarios ran through my mind. I would miss the bus, my hip would give out and I would collapse in a heap of pain. The bus would be late, I’d miss the change to the second bus. People would look at me – or worse try to speak to me. I’d get lost or confused. I wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain in my hip and knees. I’d be over anxious about being so far away from home and have no control over getting back. I’d be too much of a mess for my therapy appointment. I’d throw up from the anxiety. I’d have a panic attack while out in public. I’d cry in public.

On the morning all this was exacerbated to extreme levels. I had several panic attacks. One from just going upstairs to get dressed – I thought it’d be an easy thing to do – non committal and simple. But no, that sent me off the edge. I felt stupid and pathetic. I couldn’t even face getting dressed. I stayed in my pyjamas.

I talked through it with a dear friend. I felt guilty and ashamed and embarrassed. I felt I had let my therapist down. I couldn’t even face calling to apologise. The worst was the hour I was meant to be there. I felt utterly let down by myself. Screw everyone else – I had let myself down by not being able to do something I’ve done many many times (okay not in years but still). I was completely disappointed in myself.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I want myself back. The me that can do things. The me that doesn’t always cower away at home in her pyjamas. I want the me who loved going out and doing things. The me that loved to push her limits and challenge herself to do more. Yes, I’d like to be that me again.

 

Psaryce x

I’m Done!

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im-done

 

I have decided that enough is enough. I am tired, frustrated and somewhere within me I have snapped. I have tiptoed around, bit my tongue and tried to be uber diplomatic most of my life. Enough I say! I’m done!

I don’t do new year resolutions so I won’t call it that. But in the last few weeks a shift has occurred inside me that I cannot ignore which has changed how I react to things. And this is a very good thing for me.

I have sent too much of my life feeling like a doormat. Too long chasing after relationships (all types). I’ve had enough of feeling disrespected. Enough of biting my tongue to save other people’s feelings. Too often giving in to what others want and sacrificing my own wants, needs and desires. What has all that “kindness” gotten me? Nothing! Nothing except heartache, loneliness and pain.I get ignore, accused behind my back of things that aren’t true and I get lie to (or told half-truths which are worse than lies to me).

So now I have gone through this transition after being a bit of a hermit the past few weeks. I had lots of time for soul searching even though I didn’t realise I was doing it. But I did spend time thinking about how others treat me, how they upset me and how it made me feel. I didn’t like a lot of what I found.

This morning I awoke. Not just from a good night’s sleep (rare) but also something inside me has awoken. It feels like I might respect myself a bit more and that I can demand respect in return. I feel a wee bit stronger. It’s an odd feeling for me since I have such low confidence and esteem (try looking for mine below the floor). It’s a bit scary too as my mind wonders “will this last?”. I like it and want to build on it. I hope that I can.

Regardless, for now, expect to hear the truth from me. I won’t be wrapping up my advice and comments in cotton wool any longer. It doesn’t mean I intend to be unintentionally harsh but just going to call a spade a spade. No kid gloves. I won’t make excuses when someone screws things up – I will tell then what I really feel. Oh geez I just realised – I’m going to adult!

 

Psaryce x