Monthly Archives: August 2017

When Words Don’t Fail Me

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I know I haven’t posted in a while but I have actually been writing all this time. Lots in fact. Just nothing that I want to publish on here. Some of it, I feel is too deep, almost philosophical. Some of it is just too emotive for this space. I love writing. It gets the stuff out of my head – when I can pin that stuff down in a way that I have enough clarity to get onto a page. Mostly I write by hand in a journal, book or even scraps of papers. Sometimes of my words are just 1 or 2 sentences that succinctly express a particular thought or feeling. Other times I can babble on and on for pages and mere dribble. That is until my hand cramps and I have to stop. I hate that. But typing, for me, isn’t natural and I find myself generating so many typos that I am constantly going back to correct them as soon as I spot them (no I cannot fathom the concept of just type it then go back and fix it). So I lose the flow, the momentum and find the words get stuck somewhere in a part of my mind that was open a moment ago but now closed due to all the correcting. It is frustrating to me. I get angry at my fingers for not clicking the right keys. I get annoyed with myself and my compulsion to correct like it matters, like it must be done straight away or doom shall befall me.

On paper it flows despite my need to try and make it all legible. Sometimes, rarely, the muse hits hard and it all becomes scribblings that even I have a hard time deciphering. But that doesn’t matter because the words came. This usually happens when my mind is running far faster than my hand can write. At those times I do think there is a benefit to typing – I think I can type faster than I can write. But I just can’t write that way.

The downside of writing by hand is that if I do want to put it out here and publish it, then I have to type it all in. Ugh. To me it is like retelling a story one too many times. A story that isn’t particularly funny and because I’ve heard it already, not so interesting as I initially thought. This is another reason stuff doesn’t make it here on my blog. Re-writing (typing) stuff somehow loses it’s value for me and once I begin, I often give up. If it’s no longer interesting to me then why would anyone else want to read it? Other times I just simply CBA to type it out, especially the long winded bletherings that go on and on.

But while all this means my readers (the 1 or 2 that I have) miss out on more regular posts which aren’t spread months apart, it benefits me. It’s a kind of therapy. I’m not convinced that it helps me analyze anything or work stuff out. It just gets it out of my head which does help as there’s so much in there at all times. I could write all day every day (hands willing) and still not get it all out. Oftentimes my mind is so busy dumping stuff out onto a page that I can’t get the real stuff out – the meaningful stuff filled with insight and uniqueness.

That is frustrating. I hate being shallow and loathe reading my scribblings when they are superficial (yet another reason they don’t make it here). And I do write that crap too … “Today I did this, blah, blah, blah”. Boring! Who cares? Am I afraid I won’t remember or something? I’m certainly not writing for someone to read in future or I’d make it mysterious and shocking somehow. That would be fun. Maybe I will start a journal just for that purpose and fill it with the most insane ramblings I can think of and put in a few shocks while I’m at it. Hmm I’m liking this idea. It could bring about a whole new concept of therapy for me!

Okay back to the real world (whatever that means). If you’re still here and still awake, I’d like to congratulate you as I’m about to drift off myself. So I guess it’s time to spice it up a bit. Throw in a bit of controversy – that should do it.

In the past, I have been accused of putting too much out here and using social media as a sort of revenge venue or a place to try and kick start a slagging match. Nope I say. Never has been my intention. I will concede that there have been times where coincidences may have happened or other times when my words or posts were considered to be directed at a particular person but I never set out to accomplish any such thing. If someone reads themselves into something I write or a meme I post well that’s their own ego to deal with – not mine. So if you ever read my stuff and think “Hey! That’s me! She’s talking about me ffs. How dare she?” then you’re wrong. I don’t have the energy or desire to write about specific people (though I can think of 1 single occasion about a year or so ago). But in general I’m too busy writing stuff to stroke my own ego so you can stroke your own as far as I’m concerned.

There controversy injected. Still awake? Then go to sleep already because this is the end of the post. I’ve bored myself now so will go off and do something else now. Go live – go do something!

 

Psaryce xx

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