Category Archives: Family

I’m Done!

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im-done

 

I have decided that enough is enough. I am tired, frustrated and somewhere within me I have snapped. I have tiptoed around, bit my tongue and tried to be uber diplomatic most of my life. Enough I say! I’m done!

I don’t do new year resolutions so I won’t call it that. But in the last few weeks a shift has occurred inside me that I cannot ignore which has changed how I react to things. And this is a very good thing for me.

I have sent too much of my life feeling like a doormat. Too long chasing after relationships (all types). I’ve had enough of feeling disrespected. Enough of biting my tongue to save other people’s feelings. Too often giving in to what others want and sacrificing my own wants, needs and desires. What has all that “kindness” gotten me? Nothing! Nothing except heartache, loneliness and pain.I get ignore, accused behind my back of things that aren’t true and I get lie to (or told half-truths which are worse than lies to me).

So now I have gone through this transition after being a bit of a hermit the past few weeks. I had lots of time for soul searching even though I didn’t realise I was doing it. But I did spend time thinking about how others treat me, how they upset me and how it made me feel. I didn’t like a lot of what I found.

This morning I awoke. Not just from a good night’s sleep (rare) but also something inside me has awoken. It feels like I might respect myself a bit more and that I can demand respect in return. I feel a wee bit stronger. It’s an odd feeling for me since I have such low confidence and esteem (try looking for mine below the floor). It’s a bit scary too as my mind wonders “will this last?”. I like it and want to build on it. I hope that I can.

Regardless, for now, expect to hear the truth from me. I won’t be wrapping up my advice and comments in cotton wool any longer. It doesn’t mean I intend to be unintentionally harsh but just going to call a spade a spade. No kid gloves. I won’t make excuses when someone screws things up – I will tell then what I really feel. Oh geez I just realised – I’m going to adult!

 

Psaryce x

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Travelling

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This time next week I will be on a bus with Chrissy heading to London Gatwick airport. It feels so strange to think that. I’ve not been in the US for 16 years – well neither of us have to be honest. I am filled with so many emotions that it feels overwhelming.

I am super excited of course. Having lived a very hum-drum life for many years, this is a huge event for me. I can’t wait to see my family whom I love dearly. I’m especially looking forward to hugs with my mother, my eldest daughter and her 3 boys – I have 3 grandsons :O I would also dearly love to hug my son Nikkolas but that will be up to him. But just the thought of being with everyone is mind-blowing for me. I look forward to spending time with my sisters and hopefully getting to do some things with each of them to just spend time one-on-one. For example sitting and crocheting or knitting with my eldest sister Sandy. Maybe she can teach me a thing or two but it won’t matter as I just want the experience. Maybe go somewhere with my other sister Donna and get silly like we used to do. I could use a bit of sister silly in my life and think she could too.

I am nervous. In the run up to leaving, I am anxious about packing the right things, not forgetting something important and also getting household tasks completed – like defrosting the freezer! Ugh I hate doing that. I’m trying to be very organized about packing but think I have gone off the list a bit. I may have packed more than planned. But when the suitcase isn’t full what can you do?!

I am happy. Not something I am normally but at the moment I am so glad I have this opportunity. It feels good this whole trip thing. I feel I deserve it after all this time. There have been moments in the past 2 months where I felt I didn’t deserve it; felt I’d been too spontaneous and selfish for booking it. But now I am focusing on the love we will all share in person, face-to-face.

I am nervous. The whole getting to the plane on time is a source of anxiety for me. I know I have everything planned out but can’t help worry that mundane things like traffic will get in the way of the plan. Once I’m at the airport and checked in I know I will be able to relax a bit.

I’m ecstatic! I can’t wait for the laughter of which I’m sure there will be plenty. We’re all a bit daffy so lots of laughing is pretty much a guarantee. I love the sound of laughter – it warms my heart and soothes my soul.

I currently feel like I’m in limbo. I have all this stuff to do but am too impatient. I want to be on the move not held down seeing to boring details. I started counting down the days back when there were 50 to go but the last 43 days have flown by. I suspect these last 7 are going to drag on but I really hope not. I hate waiting for things to happen!

So these are just some of the feelings and thoughts I’m having. There are many more but I don’t want to bore anyone.

Psaryce x

Reflecting on 2015

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Overall, I am thankful. This time last year, my mother was in hospital and I was terrified that she wouldn’t make it through. At one point I felt she had given up fighting and the thought quashed all my hopes as if they were merely a gnat which the wicked witch of the West’s house had fallen on. They were very dark days filled with anger and frustration, worry and panic … days that I don’t care to think about or remember.

But as I said, I am thankful because she did pull through and is much better now. Me? I’m still a mess. Still in a dark place but nothing like back then. The darkness will always follow me; always threatened to pull me in. Some days, like today, are better than others. It’s a constant battle for me.

2015 brought other positives as well. Chrissy got her CBT and driver’s license so she could start riding her ped. Growing up so fast! It seems the older they get, the quicker the years fly by. I dread to blink my eyes for fear of finding myself transported 5 years into the future!

As for myself, I plucked up the courage to apply for and actually get a job! The fact that I became so overwhelmed and started getting panic attacks and cannot actually go to work right now shouldn’t take away that achievement. I did a lot while I was working … a lot! So regardless of my current working status, I’m gonna pat myself on the back for that one!

I was there to see my youngest go ballistic when she opened her GCSE results and found she not only passed but got better grades than she expected. She was so ecstatic and happy and in a state of blissful relief. I have rarely seen her react with so little restraint about anything. She was literally jumping for joy and I will cherish those moment for the rest of my life.

Then there was her Prom. She was simply stunning! We spent the afternoon at a salon having her make-up done (this after a previous trip for the tan and nails). Her best friend did her hair and, naturally, she re-applied make-up her own way (professionals aren’t good enough lol). The final result was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. She even seemed to enjoy having her picture taken when she got out of the car by the photographers (plus Lou and I) … a wee bit of a paparazzi moment.

My own life started going downhill in August when the panic attacks began. It was following a particularly stressful time at work and but still feels like it was far too sudden. One day I felt a bit under pressure (no problem, I got this) and the next I was paralysed with fright that I couldn’t explain. I still can’t. Meanwhile I have begun having flashbacks to moments in my life I really do not want to remember. Yippee. I have been waiting for treatment beyond pills since September. I’m still on a waiting list because the first place I was referred to can’t help me. But I am still plodding through the dark days and carrying on as best I can.

The legs started playing up last month. Again just suddenly like the panic attacks. One day I’m walking along just fine and the next WHAM! My thighs say “No!”. They just do not work. Walking is a chore and I can’t go too far without getting afraid of stepping (wobbling or shuffling) beyond the point of no return. Climbing stairs is flat out embarrassing because I have to crawl up them on all fours (my arms doing most of the work). I now hire an electric scooter if I go into the city centre because I just can’t walk that much. But I am thankful that I have that option – it gives me a bit of freedom and saves me so much pain the next day.

I am most thankful that Chrissy was not more injured in her accident this month. After a 4×4 cut her up and knocked her off her ped that she was able to (eventually) walk out of the A&E department on crutches with scrapes and aches completely amazed me. Words cannot describe how lucky I feel, how relieved and grateful I am.

I am thankful for both of my daughters (Crystal and Chrissy), my mother, my sisters (Sandy and Donna) and my friends. They have all at times been my rock this year. They have offered good advice, encouraged me and made me laugh. What more could I ask for?

So, 2015 you were not all that bad really. I bid you adieu in a few days without the curse that 2014 got when it left. And when you see 2016 on your way out, could you ask it to give me a great year this time please?

 

Psaryce x

Beginning Again

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I have recently been persuaded to begin writing on my blog again. I gave in to the arguments in the pro column and here I am. The problem is that I have no idea what to write about!

I’m a rather reactive sort of person so in the past, my entries have mostly been about whatever was going on in my life. That can sometimes be a good thing if you channel the positives. I didn’t. As I said I can be quite reactive so the entries tended to be indirect attacks on specific people who were, for wont of a better phrase, pissing me off. I suppose that is okay from time to time but I began to feel all I was doing was moaning and whinging and I didn’t think my readers really wanted to be subjected to my turmoil in that way. So I stopped writing and want to avoid this turning into a bitchfest once again.

I have plenty of health issues (such as diabetes, depression, anxiety, panic attacks) and it was suggest this could be a way of tracking all that is going on with my body. But I do wonder (again) do my readers really want to hear all about it? Like how depressing having diabetes really is; how it can be so frustrating trying to get it right; how you feel like a constant failure because it is impossible to get right all of the time. Once again, I don’t see a problem with posting about my health once in a while but feel I need to be wary of it becoming another subject for moaning and whinging. So I shall try to limit posts about my medical issues.

It was also suggested as a way of self-analysis or reflection. Perhaps a way to discover me! What makes me tick? How and why do I react to things? Are there any patterns? Can I make any changes for the better? As with the previous angles, I think this too would get boring for my readers.

What else could I write about? Plenty I am sure! Those who know my will be aware that I can be very opinionated. Caution must be taken in this area as well. I mean, who am I to pontificate as if I’m an expert when I’m not?

I could also just write about my daily life with the aim of keeping friends and family informed. I suppose that has the possible advantage of being more varied in the content but also runs the risk of being monotonous. I’m not currently experiencing lots of changes from day-to-day and worry I won’t be creative to capture and hold people’s attention for more than a few days. It would be a challenge to turn the mundane and oridinary into something interesting to read though … hmm I shall ponder on that one!

So those are things I think that I should aim to avoid doing in my posts. Why is it usually easier to say what you don’t want than it is to work out what you do want?

I guess until I work out what it is that I want to write, I’ll just ramble on about lots of things in the hope that I will find something to stick with.

Just checked and I haven’t posted in over 2 years!! Since it’s been so long, I’m not even sure anybody will actually see this post. So I ask that those of you who do, please let me know that you still get notified and also PLEASE help me chose some content ideas! Give me a task, a subject … what would you like me to write about? Let me know here or on Facebook or whatever … just let me know please 🙂

Bright Blessings,

Psaryce x

 

My Nephew

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I know I have been ridiculously quiet the past few weeks. I’ve been juggling diabetes and depression. It is a vicious cycle.

Still, once in a while something comes along and brightens my day. This time it was finally finding my nephew’s YouTube channel and watching his videos. I’ve been trying to find it for a while now but never quite got round to asking the right people (that vicious cycle intruding on my life again – makes me forget things).

I thought my youngest would like to see it. Living an ocean apart from family, she does enjoy it when she can see parts of their lives. Pictures, videos, comments on Facebook, etc. I suppose it helps her feel connected to them.

I showed one of his videos to her this morning before she left for school. She was like “Wow! He can play the guitar!”. I left her to the computer and went to get dressed. When I returned, she was watching another while on her Blackberry downloading the first one. She said “I really like this song! It’s cool!”. Auntie pride and Mother love combined and gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. I smiled. Inside and out.

So here it is … the video …

 

 

Awesome job Tommy! Keep writing, keep playing and keep posting!

 

Psaryce x

Falling Behind

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My depression is at bay once again – only just but that is something. Life however is not. I feel overwhelmed by it. Yet again, money is causing no end of troubles. Well, the lack of it. My child benefit payment has yet to arrive this week. This is not good considering how tight my budget is these days. And it angers me because it highlights in my mind too vividly my shortcomings as a mother/parent.

On Sunday, my daughter went riding with one of her friends’ mother. She had a fantastic time. Not surprising as she is in heaven anytime she is around horses. It is this more than anything where I feel I am failing her. I know she’d gladly give up all the other little things in life if she could have her own horse. And that is something I cannot give her. At least not at this point in life.

The trouble expands as I cannot envision ever being ahead of the game enough to give her her heart’s desire. The more my health issues disrupt my life, the more they impact on hers. It isn’t fair.

It is natural for parents to want to give their children all that they want. Finances limit that for everyone. But it seems so unjust when there is really only 1 thing the child wants. Especially as I know how much she wants it and how beneficial it would be for her.

I want to be a good mother. I want to be able to say I give her everything. I want to know that she is happy. I just don’t know how to make it happen.

Psaryce x

What Happened To Motherhood?

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At what point did motherhood become insignificant? When last could a woman state with pride when asked what she does that she is a mother? And, more importantly, why is raising children no longer an honourable vocation?

I grew up in the 70s and my mother stayed at home. It was comforting as a child to know that Mom was there if ever I needed her. If something happened at school, they could call and she’d be straight there. If I was ill, there were no issues or stressors about taking time off work – the biggest problem was calling up the doctor for an appointment.

I had heard the term “latch-key kids” but I couldn’t really fathom coming home to an empty house after school. I couldn’t understand why a mother wouldn’t be at home every day like mine was when I got home. I remember one day when my mother had got stuck in traffic on her way home from shopping. I got off the school bus; it was on the corner opposite the house next door. Her car wasn’t in the driveway. I was perplexed. I hesitantly walked to my front door as if something evil lurked about unseen. My heart was beating faster than normal. I tried the door. It was locked! I shouted for mom but no answer. I banged the door, still no answer. With every second, panic built inside me. I didn’t know what to do. This had never happened before. There was no precedent. I hadn’t been given any instructions.

Our neighbour on the other side must have heard me because she came out asking if I was okay. By this point I must have looked a right state. My heart was racing, my blood thumping in my head; panic, anxiety and fear were threatening to overwhelm me. The neighbour took me into her house and tried to calm me down. It didn’t work very well. I kept thinking what if mom came home and we didn’t hear? How would she know where to find me? Would she panic and feel like I did? I vaguely remember her arriving and apologising a lot. With my fears eliminated, I guess that part just didn’t stick in my mind as vividly.

I do remember thinking how awful those latch kids must feel coming home to an empty house every day. I knew I was glad I wasn’t one of them. I think part of me didn’t want to believe they existed. I used child logic to explode the myth. Who were these supposed kids? Where were they? I’d never met one. All of my friends went home to find their mother in the house waiting for them.

Regardless, I grew up and didn’t think any more about it. Until I had kids of course. My youngest is 13 and while talking with her the other week, I discovered that she too feels comforted by me being at home during the day while she’s at school. Then I think of when my eldest was a single mother with my first grandson. It wasn’t her fault; she had fled his abusive father. As soon as he turned 1 year old, she was forced to take up work. Without work experience and a degree, the money she could earn wasn’t enough to make ends meet.  I was shocked! He was only a year old. He wasn’t even walking yet. I was disgusted that she was made to leave him in someone else’s care for hours every day. For someone else to spend that precious time with him when he should have been with his mother.

Is this the downside of feminism? I am all for equality of pay should a woman choose to work. But forcing young mothers and their infants to be separated like this is just wrong in my opinion. It isn’t just single mothers either. Many families cannot survive on one salary so the mothers have to work. So no, this isn’t a backlash of feminism – well not entirely. Is this the price we pay for living in a consumerist society? Partially I think. When decent housing is unaffordable on one wage that starts creating problems. When every year more and more products are introduced to the market – especially those aimed at children – the problem begins to mount. When the costs of basic necessities, such as food, rises and sometimes doubles, the problem multiplies. Where does it stop? Does it ever stop?

Bring back the days when men were men and provided for their family. Bring back the days when women could be mothers and housewives. Bring back the days when there was no pressure to parents beyond ensuring their children received a good education. But bring these things back along with all we have learned about inequality.

On second thought, lets create a future where families can choose who shall stay home with the kids. Lets work to build the single income to a level that can sustain a family regardless of whether it is earned by the man or the woman. Lets give ourselves more control over our own lives.

Lets make families the priority. Lets put the children first. Lets give them what they need!

Right now … how?!

 

Psaryce x