Category Archives: Uncategorized

Reactions of the Blind

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Following a recent incident where I felt harassed by someone I used to call a friend and which caused my anxiety levels to go through the roof and spawn off two panic attacks, I have been thinking. As you do. And I came to some conclusions.

Firstly, when you cannot see the hurt and harm you cause others, it is easy to feel rejected and used. People react to the way you treat them and when you do things knowing they will cause upset, they will instinctively retreat from you. Usually, they will not say anything or try to explain because they know it would be a pointless act.When someone cannot see the effect of their actions, they cannot listen either.

For example my recent situation … a man sent me a message late the other night. It didn’t make much sense to me (and several others I showed were just as confused by it). In the message, he appeared to be implying that I should not have a car in order to pay him money … suggesting it would be cheaper for me without it. This is not true as I have so many hospital appointments at present and it would cost me a heck of a lot more in taxis (I cannot use the bus due to my anxiety). Anyway that is what the message seemed to be saying but I couldn’t say for certain.

When I didn’t reply (no point as I could tell he was at the very least drunk again), he began to pester me with more messages. Again by the tone and content, I saw no point in replying as it would only spur him on and I quite frankly haven’t the energy. But then he began calling the house … 5 calls in 15 minutes and then I truly felt harassed. I rang the police and got a report number. I was terrified at this point that he would turn up at my door in a state of drunkenness. He has done this before despite knowing my anxiety of unexpected knocks at the door so it wouldn’t surprise me if he did it again.

I don’t cope with confrontation and certainly not one where alcohol is an influential factor. It takes me right back to my childhood and my alcoholic father shouting the odds at all hours of the day and night. Panic sets in. I want to hide, I want to flee. At present the best I can do is lock myself into the house and hope all will be well. But I jumped at every sound from outside … a car door closing, people walking past, etc. This is no way to live. Trust me, this is me everyday without being hassled by people I have no desire to speak to.The behaviour of this man only make it a thousand times worse.

On the advice of the police, I sent 1 message to him. It said “In an effort to make this very clear … I do not wish for you to contact me in any form. Please do not call, message or come to my house. I am writing this on the advice of the police.” The policeman told me to contact them again if he replied or contacted me in any way after sending this message. He did of course so now I will have to ring the police back and give an update.

By the way, I don’t owe this man anything but even if I did, his behaviour is unacceptable. Why? Because he knows my situation, knows I am vulnerable and have anxiety and also that I live alone with my daughter. I feel like prey.

 

Psaryce xo

 

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Brain Dump

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For weeks I have had a multitude of thoughts running through my head but I lack the focus to record them properly. I’m in a sort of self-analysis mode and trying to find my way through all the bullshit that clogs my mind. I seem to be anxious about everything little thing these days an jump at the most ridiculously mundane stuff – like the microwave pinging.So I thought maybe I’d try and spew some of this out in a blog post as a way of detoxing my head. It could work! Maybe!

Frustration over my physical limitations at the moment are at a high. Everything is a struggle so when I do feel a tiny bit better, I tend to push myself far too hard. I pay the consequence though, don’t worry. I’ve had a whole 2 “good” days in the last 4 weeks. FFS! I am only 47! This morning I put a load of laundry into the washing machine. The basket of dirties was right under the hole where you stuff items in so it wasn’t like I had been lugging it around all through the house. I just went over and stuffed the clothes in and added the soap then switched it on. Simple right? Not really. I felt unbalanced the whole time and struggled not to go ass over so by the time I was done, I had to sit down and recover. It wasn’t even heavy items and I had to recover from it?! Pathetic my mind says. But my body was insistent on the rest. My legs felt shaky and my anxiety levels were high (fear of falling over, whacking my head and no one around to call 999 before I bled to death). Oh my mind. My wonderfully neurotic mind loves to play these scenarios of the worst case. It’s so draining mentally and it never stops!

My physical battle to do simple things coupled with my warped mind makes existing a rather unhappy. I get so angry at people who could (and in my opinion SHOULD) help me get things done. I have spent majority of my life caring for others, putting everyone else first (at times to my own detriment) that I feel a little bit of “returning the favour”should be in order. I don’t know how to put myself first. I have responsibilities regardless of how I feel and I cannot ignore them. But I was raised to respect others and offer help whenever I could. So to be in this situation, where I get no help from anyone at all, just winds me up. I force myself to do as much as I possibly can for myself but for months now, it just isn’t good enough. I feel like a nothing. I don’t feel I matter to anyone, well not anyone that is close enough geographically to help.

That then leads to fury at some people who have all the household resources that would make my life a bit easier (like a dishwasher!) and who don’t have the physical barriers that I fight against constantly who complain regularly at how crap their life is. What I wouldn’t give to have their health, their physical strength! Yes I would still have depression and anxiety to deal with but to be able to do the dishes without having to rest every few minutes would make my life SO much easier! For the record, I don;t even have space in my tiny kitchen for a dishwasher so even if I had the money, I still couldn’t fulfil that particular dream.

Which brings us onto Dreams. I try not to go there as I find it too depressing. I cannot see anything occurring in my future to change my life in the drastic ways that I would wish. I’m stuck on low income and with no real resources to make a difference. I know that some big changes will come (like whenever Chrissy moves out) but I try hard not to think about them because simply acknowledging the impending upheaval tires me out. I have been trying to get rid of things I no longer need but even that is too much for me to cope with. I have several bags and boxes of stuff to donate to charity shops but I don’t have the physical ability to get it to the car. And now they have sat there so long it just annoys the crap out of me to see it everyday. Seeing it first thing in the morning sets me in a low mood instantly. Then I notice all the other things that need to be done (the floors need hoovering, the dishes in the sink, the dust on the shelves, the windows – omg the windows are dreadful!) and my mood drops even more. I get overwhelmed by it all and end up feeling paralysed and enable to act because I know I cannot do it all. I don;t even know where to start!

Well the washing machine has just finished so I guess for today I will have to start with the task of getting the laundry out and hung up somewhere. Besides, I have rambled on enough (even though I have barely explored the many thoughts I wanted to).

Psaryce xo

Last of 2015?

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Happy-new-year-2016

So it’s nearly here … that moment when our calendar and clock obsessed society says that a new year has begun. But I’m not one to buy into the Gregorian calendar and rarely pay much attention to what time it is … often I have to think really hard or check to see what “day” it is.

As one who is on a Pagan path in life, my new year was back on 31st October … Halloween aka Samhain. It flows more in tune with nature, in my opinion, as it’s the end of the harvest, end of the lightest half of the year. It is a time when darkness begins to descend and a cycle of life in nature and spirit starts.

The turning of the year, to me, is when I begin to draw into myself and go into a sort of analysis mode. The dark days of winter are perfect for reflecting on one’s self and life. While this is similar to what most people in society do now, I began my pondering back on Halloween”.

I don’t subscribe to the tradition of making resolutions. To me they are too often shallow and focus on the short-term. Hence they are so easily broken. Instead, I believe in setting long-term goals that can be broken down into smaller steps. My annual analysis of self and life following Samhain is the time to review my goals and my performance over the year as I strive to attain them.

Sadly I have not been doing this in recent years. I have been wandering through my life without aim and because of that I ended up feeling lost and overwhelmed. In doing so, I have been giving away my control and my power. My defences had been weakening for many years before and it has taken me several more to get to this point. A place within on which I can build afresh and retake my life. So this year I began taking steps to try and climb out of that void so I can re-engage with my life full-on.

But still, I live within a society that cherishes it’s tradition of New Year’s Eve. On my path, I adopt the customs of a variety of people. Not just the society I live in but also ones I have studied from around the world. If a tradition or custom makes sense to me and I like it, I incorporate it into my life. At my basic nature, I am a Free Spirit so this way of life allows me to live free without boundaries.

So 2015 is going and 2016 is arriving. Millions will celebrate it and so will I along with some good friends. And as I raise a glass at the stroke of midnight (cliché or what?), I will be toasting in the coming year with the most basic Pagan belief chanting in my head…

And Harm None, So Mote It Be!

Psaryce x

Silence

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I have been very silent on here for quite a while. Although there has been much going on in my life, there has been one single issue plaguing my mind.

Should I switch this blog to “private”?

There are a few people out there whom I have been feeling do not deserve to know my thoughts & feelings. And I know most of them read this blog.

So while I continue to debate the issue in my head, I’ll try to post things that I won’t mind them reading.

For everyone else – sorry for the silence.

Psaryce xo

How I See X-Mas

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The weirdest thing about me doing all this xmas stuff is that I’m not Christian! So why do I do it at all? Am I just too weak to resist the societal pressures? The capitalistic ideologies? Am I, by participating in this all this, being a hypocrit? I don’t think so! In fact, I would argue that if anything, I am being true to my Pagan beliefs by taking part! It all really started when I was just a child…

When I was about 8/9 years old, we went to my Grandma’s for xmas as she was very poorly and dying. That particular Christmas had a big impact on me. It changed the way I saw Xmas forever. Kids aren’t stupid and at some point we do work out that Santa isn’t “real”. We struggle for a year or two trying desperately to hold on to the belief. It is as if we know that by accepting and acknowledging the reality then we must lose a part of our innocence – we must grow up. We know that Xmas will never be the same once we cross that line and we fear that change. There is no going back from it either and we are aware that if we let on that we know the ‘truth’ then the number of pressies we get will drastically reduce. We drop hints and ask tentative probing questions in the hopes that our parents, family and friends will restore our faith. We go into a phase of denial and mentally twist everything to try and convince ourselves we are just being paranoid. Spending that particular Xmas with Grandma and at that particular age was a blessing. It not only shaped the way I came to think about Xmas, but also gave me a wonderful transition from believing to knowing without losing anything. Why?

Because my Grandma Vern always – without fail – had presents under her tree for everyone from Santa. For me, she kept the magic alive throughout her life, the spirit of the myth. Although she was a Christian, the message that came across to me was that it wasn’t solely about Jesus or Christianity … it was about re-creating a bit of innocent magic for those you love. To return to your childhood and those exciting times before the myth exploded. So, like her, for me it never will fade. For me, there will always be Santa purely for the magick he brings to our lives … how much more Pagan can I get?!?!

I am glad we spent that year with her otherwise I would never have known how special she made this festive holiday. I also learned that when she was younger, struggling to make ends meet and working in a factory (where she was exposed to asbestos which she subsequently got the cancer from) that she didn’t have time to get a tree until Christmas Eve. So she would go and get the scraggliest tree, the one no one else wanted then take it home and decorate it like royalty.

I wish I could have gotten to know her more. She died the following Spring – not bad since she was originally not expected to last through the night but managed to keep going for 9 months! But at least I have a lasting legacy from that small amount of time that will last throughout my life. Bless you Grandma Vern & may Santa bestow his magick on you once again this year – wherever you are!

Merry Xmas!

Halfway There!

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Well semester 2 of year 2 began this week. It didn’t get off to a great start for me as the snow on Monday prevented me from getting to uni – well the snow + the moronic drivers who managed to get themselves stuck and blocked exits from the village.

Anyways, thought some of you might be interested in my schedule and workload for this semester so have uploaded my calendar and a list of my coursework! Have a look – might make YOU feel better 🙂

xo