The Need For Others

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So I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking and analysing lately. I’ve been trying to get out of another rut of depression to be honest. Problem was I didn’t even realise I was in quite as deep as I actually was. I thought it was just my usual winter-hibernation mode that I go through annually. But in talking to some people, I realised it was more than just being introverted.

Thanks go first to my soul sister Lesley for telling me what’s what. Despite being in severe pain, she talked with me through some things and brought to light some simple home truths. Basically she kind of gave my a kick up the bum and told me off. Sometimes I really need that and am so grateful that she does this for me. She pointed out that the depression had its grip on me again and that I needed to do battle against it. I love our relationship. I love that she can see what I need and tell me. Not dithering or dancing about the subject – just straight forward advice that is much appreciated.

Thanks also go to my sister Donna. We share a lot of similar issues in our lives and so can really relate to one another. Again we have an openness that allows us to speak freely. But where Lesley is straightforward speaking, Donna is more of an analyst. She asks probing questions and gets me thinking about things from a fresh perspective. In speaking with Donna, my mind is challenged to think about things in a different way. This opens up further opportunities for me. It expands my thinking and therefore allows me to grow.

To goes to show, me at least, the value of having the right people in your life. Ones who balance you out. Ones who can be tough with you when needed, ones ho can open your mind. Neither of these conversations were simplistic but were both deep and meaningful. I cannot say in words just how grateful I am to have these two beautiful women in my life. I value our relationships to no end. Thank you both.

 

Psaryce x

 

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Failure

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I tried. I really tried. I had it all planned out and it was actually quite simple. Walk to the bus stop. Catch the #3 into town. Get off bus and wait 5 minutes. Catch the Uni6 into Portswood. Get off bus and walk round the corner.

The anxiety started the evening before. I even had a proper panic attack that evening. My heart raced, my mind raced, I shook all over, I was sweaty and clammy. The worse scenarios ran through my mind. I would miss the bus, my hip would give out and I would collapse in a heap of pain. The bus would be late, I’d miss the change to the second bus. People would look at me – or worse try to speak to me. I’d get lost or confused. I wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain in my hip and knees. I’d be over anxious about being so far away from home and have no control over getting back. I’d be too much of a mess for my therapy appointment. I’d throw up from the anxiety. I’d have a panic attack while out in public. I’d cry in public.

On the morning all this was exacerbated to extreme levels. I had several panic attacks. One from just going upstairs to get dressed – I thought it’d be an easy thing to do – non committal and simple. But no, that sent me off the edge. I felt stupid and pathetic. I couldn’t even face getting dressed. I stayed in my pyjamas.

I talked through it with a dear friend. I felt guilty and ashamed and embarrassed. I felt I had let my therapist down. I couldn’t even face calling to apologise. The worst was the hour I was meant to be there. I felt utterly let down by myself. Screw everyone else – I had let myself down by not being able to do something I’ve done many many times (okay not in years but still). I was completely disappointed in myself.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I want myself back. The me that can do things. The me that doesn’t always cower away at home in her pyjamas. I want the me who loved going out and doing things. The me that loved to push her limits and challenge herself to do more. Yes, I’d like to be that me again.

 

Psaryce x

I’m Done!

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im-done

 

I have decided that enough is enough. I am tired, frustrated and somewhere within me I have snapped. I have tiptoed around, bit my tongue and tried to be uber diplomatic most of my life. Enough I say! I’m done!

I don’t do new year resolutions so I won’t call it that. But in the last few weeks a shift has occurred inside me that I cannot ignore which has changed how I react to things. And this is a very good thing for me.

I have sent too much of my life feeling like a doormat. Too long chasing after relationships (all types). I’ve had enough of feeling disrespected. Enough of biting my tongue to save other people’s feelings. Too often giving in to what others want and sacrificing my own wants, needs and desires. What has all that “kindness” gotten me? Nothing! Nothing except heartache, loneliness and pain.I get ignore, accused behind my back of things that aren’t true and I get lie to (or told half-truths which are worse than lies to me).

So now I have gone through this transition after being a bit of a hermit the past few weeks. I had lots of time for soul searching even though I didn’t realise I was doing it. But I did spend time thinking about how others treat me, how they upset me and how it made me feel. I didn’t like a lot of what I found.

This morning I awoke. Not just from a good night’s sleep (rare) but also something inside me has awoken. It feels like I might respect myself a bit more and that I can demand respect in return. I feel a wee bit stronger. It’s an odd feeling for me since I have such low confidence and esteem (try looking for mine below the floor). It’s a bit scary too as my mind wonders “will this last?”. I like it and want to build on it. I hope that I can.

Regardless, for now, expect to hear the truth from me. I won’t be wrapping up my advice and comments in cotton wool any longer. It doesn’t mean I intend to be unintentionally harsh but just going to call a spade a spade. No kid gloves. I won’t make excuses when someone screws things up – I will tell then what I really feel. Oh geez I just realised – I’m going to adult!

 

Psaryce x

Reflecting on 2016 & Welcoming 2017

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2017

Overall, I am thankful. I have survived a year full of chaotic ups and downs. At times, I wasn’t sure I could make it through. At other times, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to – yes I have been that low many times this year. There have been some highs as well so I guess 2016 wasn’t all bad.

It started out bad though. It started with a battle between me and the DWP to get assessed for ESA (employment and support allowance) since I couldn’t (and still can’t) work due to health issues. The stress and anxiety of having to go through the assessment was bad enough but it was made even worse by them turning me away one time even though I had an appointment. That meant I had to go through the same anxious-filled process all over again. To be fair the first time wasn’t their fault. Someone I had considered a friend for many years let me down at the last minute – I had been counting on him for a lift to the appointment and support during it (RIP friendship #1). My ex, bless him, tried to help but that was the appointment they turned me away. It was an awful few months trying to get it sorted. In the end 2 very good friends went with me and gave me the support I needed.

Those 2 friends (Lesley and Daz) are one good thing that happened in 2016 for me. We’d met the previous summer but only really began growing our friendship in February. Lesley and I would chat about the many things we have in common and our relationship bloomed. There are many times I have to thank her for helping me out of ruts and potholes and big gaping craters this year. We have spent many days relaxing, chatting, gardening and more – especially in the Spring and Summer when we would kick back in my garden and just be.

While gaining these friendships, I seem to have lost yet another. A woman I classed as my best mate suddenly blanked me. She stopped speaking to me without even giving a clue as to why. I still don’t understand it but I do miss her (RIP friendship #2).

During the first part of the year, I bought 2 cars. First a little Nissan Micra which I got for a steal but then didn’t like how the clutch stuck so put it aside for Hoovy and bought a Vectra. Big mistake. But more on that later as there were other vehicles woes to deal with first and for that time at least, the Vectra was running.

My daughter’s bike (50cc ped) was stolen in June! The police were less than helpful (cheers guys!). We loaded up social media with images of the bike and pleas for information. Eventually we struck gold. But it wasn’t an easy straight-forward affair. Nothing ever is in my life.

11pm on a Friday night, my daughter and I foolishly set out to explore some local woods where it had been spotted. With only our phones for light, we walked (I stumbled about) looking for it. We didn’t really know the area – in fact I had never been there. I think it took an hour but we did find it. That was only the beginning though as it was properly stuck in 6 inches of mud at the bottom of a hill – we like to call it The Mud Pit. An hour later, daughter exhausted and phones giving out, we left it there. We returned with help the next morning and they got it out and back home. She decided to keep it as a project.

4 weeks later, it was stolen again – this time they broke the locks on our gate. We couldn’t believe it. The damned thing didn’t even start and they stole it anyway! Police, helpful as always, found it, had it recovered and then bothered to ring us. She told them to keep it. Why should she pay £150 to get it back when they found it less than a mile from our home? The victim is victimised by the police just so they can try to take our money. Robbing from the poor are we Police?

Around June, I had a bit of fortune fall and we excitedly booked flights to go to the USA! There was a lot to do to prepare. For starters our passports. A trip to London on the bus sounded the best way to go. Only our bus was late getting in and after a nice day in the city, we missed the bus back (it’s okay just got the next one). But the day exhausted me entirely.

The trip itself was a chaotic whirlwind of non-stop going and doing. My favourite time was on the beach – it was heaven! I love the water; it is one of the things I miss most about home. Seeing everyone after so long was amazing but didn’t come without incidents. My anxiety and panic were severely raised during one event and I didn’t cope very well. Only 2 people seemed to notice or else the rest simply didn’t care. In the end I was verbally attacked by my eldest sister in front of everyone. Needless to say that relationship also ended this year. I simply don’t need fake love in my life.

After the trip, it took a while to recover from the travelling and then I hit rock bottom. After being so busy and around people 24/7, being back home alone was difficult to re-adjust to.

Also on my return, I had to deal with the Vectra that died 4 days before we left for the trip. Luckily I still had the Micra. At least I did until just before Xmas when it failed it’s MOT big time. To the tune of £450 to be exact. So I finish the year without wheels and 2 dead cars sat outside. Oh and my daughter’s bike also broke – it sort of runs but not safe to drive. So we’re both wheel-less.

This year, my baby turned 18 and entered adulthood proper. She found out it’s not so easy quite early on. But I think she still had a nice birthday, got to go out to clubs, had a nice meal with her boyfriend’s family. She also lucked out on gifts as she got a tons of her favourite brand of makeup and lots of other lovely gifts.

For her the gifts kept coming and she had a great Xmas as well. I was delighted with my gifts (including a bottle Chocolate Bailey’s – yum!). New pyjamas are always welcomed from me and I even got a lovely pair of kitty slippers.

So 2016 wasn’t all bad but I’m still happy to see it go. For me the bad outweighed the good and so I hope the new year will bring more stability, calmness, happiness, more fun times and that it will have a bit of magical sparkle to it.

So long 2016 ……. Hello 2017!!!

 

Psaryce x

PS: nearly didn’t get this finished as my mind has been struggling to sort through everything that happened this year and process a lot of things I have yet to accept.

Bonkers Night

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I wish I had only dreamed it all. And to think it all happened here in my house with just myself. I am desperately trying to stay awake to write this. It all started with Gilbert.

 

I found him in the morning around about 11am. He was much larger than I had envisioned. He seemed to weigh a ton. My good friend, bless her, actually got him to the car for me. Her brother even helped get him into my house. I miscalculated how long he would need to get ready – I hadn’t planned on him being so big and heavy. He spent the day in the bath; with me changing his water periodically.

 

Since I was alone, I grabbed my presents and set about wrapping them while I could. I was already tired at this point in the afternoon and only could manage to wrap 4. Sad right? I was just in too much pain an needed to rest. But  didn’t. There was/is too much to do! I pressed on with other things like writing a blog entry, clearing off a table and decorating it. Nothing major as I just didn’t have the energy. I struggled for hours about cooking dinner. I was hungry but didn’t really fancy Spaghetti Bolognese. In the end I cracked, made it and ate. It was my first proper meal this week – for 5 days I was ill and unable to eat much of anything. Even plain crackers would not agree with me. But I am veering off my tale.

 

Maybe if I hadn’t dithered so long I could have taken a nap and the unfortunate events with Gilbert could have been prevented. But I didn’t take a nap. I watched some telly. The day had slipped away and at 9pm, I was exhausted but knew it was too late for sleep. I had to get Gilbert sorted out and I had to make stuffing. With Gilbert in his freshly topped up bath, I set about making the stuffing. I tore bread. That was okay. I chopped celery. I was in pain from doing that but still had to diced an onion. I had to take a break first as the pain was too bad. Eventually all the prep was done but it was around 11pm (2 hours to tear bread and chop celery and an onion????).

 

Getting the spices and everything right for the stuffing seemed to be far harder than it had ever been before. (Was it my tiredness?) I ended up with stuffing that I think was good enough. To be fair to myself, making stuffing by hand and cooking it in the turkey is a bit of guess work. You can never know how the juices will affect the taste. Oh Crikey! The bird. The store only had large ones left and there’s only 2 of us. What can you do? I cannot afford to buy the ‘fresh’ ones as they are usually twice the price. Massive amounts of turkey sandwiches ahead along with some freezing I think.

 

So I start on the bird. It isn’t defrosted. It’s now 12 midnight, the witching hour and I am dead on my feet. I clear and wash the sink. Wrestling with the bird is a tiresome task. It’s slippery and I have the strength to manoeuvre such a heavy thing (even when I am not already wiped out).  I had to dig real deep but finally managed to get it in the sink. The slippery sod was hard to get into the right position but again I managed. I started the water (cold) and positioned the faucet to pour into his innards.

 

Then I step back and look at it. This is one big bird! I look over to the bowl of stuffing I made. Never will that be enough. So I grab the bowl and the bread and go to sit on the couch to at least be off my feet as I tear more bread to add to the bowl.

 

Around 1am, I checked on the turkey. Not quite defrosted enough! I re-position it and go to have a cigarette and something to drink (milk I think it was). I was in so much pain. Just shifting my foot brought on waves of agony. But I couldn’t go to bed. Not at this point. I had to get that fat arsed turkey stuffed and into the oven!

 

At just before 4am, my daughter woke me. Oh crap on a cracker I’d fall asleep! I’d been out about 2 1/2 hours. And I still felt just as bad as before I had slept. I rushed to the bird – definitely defrosted now. I wrestled it to the awaiting pan. Oh geez it hurt my back! I stuffed it and even with the additional bread there wasn’t enough stuffing for it. Just one more step – get it down into the already hot oven.

 

I’m sure I did some breathing exercises in preparation. I have issues of tipping when I bend over and have nothing in my hands. This was going to be very difficult for my physically. Deep breath 1, deep breath 2, deep breath 3 and go!

 

I got it down onto the rack which I’d pulled halfway out to help make it easier (?). Then it started to slide forward –  off the rack. I imagine if anyone had been watching it would have been comical. For me it was hell. My feet kept slipping, I kept nearly tottering over, my back and shoulders were screaming at me. I pushed, shoved, tried to shimmy the beast. I tried to lift the rack so it wouldn’t slide but I didn’t have the strength to even budge it. Then somehow with an almighty shove, I got it into the oven. It barely fit. It’s legs nearly touched the wall.

 

It was done. I vaguely remember calculating when to check it and set an alarm on my phone. I crawled up the stairs (dignity having been long gone in this ordeal). I was out almost immediately. It was 4.30am.

 

Boing! Awake at 8 am despite setting my wake up alarm for 9. I make a cup of coffee and sit down to my laptop. I check the usual stuff, email, Facebook, Twitter and end up here on my blog. I begin to write but it soon becomes clear That I need more sleep so off I go to the couch for a nap with an alarm set.

 

Bonkers Ordeal Part 1 Complete.

 

Oh Wait! Gilbert is this year’s turkey’s name 🙂

 

Psaryce x

Festive Spirit’s Got Me Now

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Feeling much better today – Yay! I got to go shopping for Xmas dinner and other bits with a sweet friend of mine! I’m wearing my Xmas Tree dress. I have all the gifts I wanted to give this year – just need to wrap them up nice and perty! My mulled wine is ready for me to indulge myself with! WooHoo! I’m ready for the merriment now!

It's Chrissssstmassss!

It’s Chrissssstmassss!

There’s been a few hiccups in my plans like the car failing it’s MOT and me not being able to go visit my Soul Sister on Xmas Day. But I may be able to go up to hers on Boxing Day so not all is lost.

I was stressing out over what to get my youngest daughter but after I found one thing, I relaxed and got creative 🙂 Of course I can’t say what I bought yet but think she will love it all!

So short post today as I have cooking and wrapping to get done. I hope you are all enjoying the season and are feeling festive! Share with me what you are doing, what are you looking forward to. Are you cooking anything special? Let me know”

 

Psaryce x

Ill During The Festive Season

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It sucks. And every December I seem to come down with some type of illness. Usually I feel it coming and so have a bit of warning. Not this time. It sideswiped me and knocked me on my ass.

First day was excruciating pain in my back, hips and knees along with cold shivers and a thumping head. I knew I didn’t have a fever. Second day, less pain but still a thumping head and cold shivers. I thought I had a fever this day but daughter checked me and said no.

Today is the third day. I shouldn’t complain as I am feeling a bit better. Still have a sluggish head and slightly dizzy. When I move, I feel my brain is struggling to catch up with the movement – even when I go real slow. Earlier I felt nauseous then discovered my blood glucose was quite high. Injected insulin and hoped it would sort me out. A few hours later and I still don’t feel right. I have to keep checking my blood more than normal because whatever I have is sending them sky-high. I’ve barely eaten anything. I managed 2 crackers and 1/2 a tuna sandwich in 2 days. I’ve been trying to get as much liquid in me as I can but the shivers make it hard. I haven’t fancied coffee for days now :O

I’ve been craving Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, or chicken and stars or chicken and rice. It isn’t sold here. Sigh. Thy are my main Go-To soups when I feel ill (despite the high salt content which I never noticed until I went back home a few months ago).

It’s Xmas time and I should be jolly, energised, bouncing with joy and actively trying to pull off another good year. But I have been in bed most of the last few days. Unable to get up long enough to do much of anything. I tried to work out if it was depression causing all this but for once I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just run down physically which has led to being a bit down mentally (not the other way around). It’s hard to explain how I know the difference but I guess since I try to keep a close monitor of this stuff, I tend to know without much doubt.

Years ago my now estranged husband and I got very ill right before xmas. Neither of us could face any food so we didn’t bother cooking until after Boxing Day. I felt bad as we had a young daughter but luckily she was too young to remember. She was fed, we just didn’t do a whole big festive meal. Besides she was more about the toys that year than anything else. But now it’s just her and me so I feel a sense of responsibility to do it.

My car recently failed it’s MOT so I thought that was it. I’d have to order groceries to be delivered …. Nope! None of the stores had even 1 delivery slot available. So I looked at doing the Click & Collect thing … Nope! No slots available for that either. Luckily after I had moaned on Facebook about not having Xmas dinner due to all this, 2 friends offered to help. One I barely know but she recently had a baby and I just couldn’t accept her offer. She has other children and should be with her family at this time of year. The other is a good friend whom I can’t wait to see so I jumped at her offer. We’ve not seen each other in a while so I am excited to get a chance to see her before xmas day.

I had worried about the rest of my shopping – gifts. But I managed to find some things online with guaranteed delivery before the day. Whoop! So only the stocking to do … hmmm I hope Tesco carry stuff besides chocolate I can stuff in Hoovy’s stocking. I think we are doing them this year!

So all this illness is why I didn’t get a chance to blog yesterday and why I am late today. Hopefully I will continue to recover and be able to be more consistent.

 

Psaryce x