Tag Archives: change

Adapting To Change

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I struggle with this. Big time. I just don’t cope with changes – even minor ones. I used to be able to go with the flow but then a bunch of stuff happened (and it still happening) in my life and now I have a huge need for a feeling of control. Now changes need to be considered, thought through and planned. Unexpected things completely freak me out. I just panic and it is so exhausting to go through a series of panic attacks before I can finally give in – usually into a crying fit – and begin to get a handle on myself.

The attacks aren’t always the same – it seems to depend on the situation. But there are elements that appear in every one. The obvious heart-racing, chest pounding, head thumping, blurry vision and the dreadful feeling of hopelessness caused by lack of control. Sometimes I just freeze physically. I cannot move at all until it passes. With others I dash about shaking and unable to stand or it still for more than a few seconds. Lately a lot of mine have sparked off flashbacks of a trauma I survived many years ago. And sometimes these, in turn, cause a flood of unpleasant memories to pour through my mind.

Regardless, my mind is constantly thinking and questioning every little thing at a very rapid rate. I curse myself. Negative self thoughts wizz past before I can stop them. You are a fool. You should know better by now. You are a stupid idiot. You’re not worthy of anyone for anything. Your pain is not justified because you don’t matter. Nothing you say or do matters. You are useless. A waste of space. And the questions! So many questions! About myself, my decisions, my thoughts, my actions, my existence. I also question others … what are their real motives, are they using me, are they intentionally trying to hurt me? Why did I let myself trust them, believe them, feel for them, let them in, confide in them, give them the benefit of the doubt, make excuses for them, etc, etc. This list of thoughts and questions could really go on and on and on!

Unless depression takes over, once the mental images and thoughts and questions begin to settle down, I am totally exhausted – both physically and mentally. My head stills pounds but from a dull ache that will take ages to subside. I feel cold and weakened. I want to curl up and hide away from everyone and everything. At these times, I think I’d happily be a turtle.

But I cannot withdraw to that extent. I have responsibilities. I have a daughter. I have to get to a place where I can function before she sees me. It upsets her too much to see me this way and I want to protect her from this nightmare as much as I can. I must do the best I can.

If you have read this far and feel like maybe you just had a ride on a roller-coaster, well you sort of have. Today I have gone through this cycle more times than I care to count. Tomorrow I may not experience it at all … here’s hoping!

Psaryce x

2010 – Time for Change

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Well it is that time of year again when everyone starts thinking about their lives and analyzing what changes they would like to make. Some consider their diets, others exercise and many pledge to ‘give up smoking’ for the coming year. Yes, it is New Year’s Resolutions time. But why do our thoughts turn to these things so unintentionally at this time of year. When everyone jokes and laughs about how quickly these resolutions are broken, why do we persist in making them? Are we not simply setting ourselves up for nearly immediate failure? Is that really how we want to start a ‘new year’?

This year I find myself wondering how that tradition got started. I then began to try and imagine what people’s resolutions were years and years ago. Were they as superficial as most made today? Or has our society changed so much that we no longer think of the deeper issues and things that REALLY matter? Have the people lost the resolve to keep their resolutions? Or are all resolutions made today just a feeble, halfhearted attempt made purely because people think they are supposed to make some?

Perhaps one day I will have the time to spend researching this tradition properly. I think it would be very interesting to see if there have been any patterns or trends over the years. I suspect there is – after all resolutions are cultural products; not the personal goals we think we are setting. For example, in our “Be Green”, ecological and environmentally focused world of today, I imagine there are people a plenty out there about the resolve to be “better” people by cutting their carbon emissions this year. They will avow to recycling more, wasting less, cut down energy usage and conserve water. So it goes to thinking that in the past there were similar trends that our ‘personal’ resolutions followed which were influenced by the Zeitgeist (spirit of the time).

But why the massive changes? Why do people’s resolutions always focus on the negatives – and big ones at that? Why do we persist in trying to reconstruct our lives in such big ways overnight?! If someone hasn’t exercised in years, how can they possibly expect themselves to plunge right in and keep at it? In every other context, these sorts of changes are expected to take time to occur. We don’t expect to change overnight at any other time of the year and in any other aspect of our life. So why now? Is it all the party drinks we have had that have left us feeling brave enough to take on such challenges? Or perhaps in light of our gluttony over the festive season we feel so incredibly guilty that we feel the need to purge our bodies and souls in a substantial way.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to break away from this enormous, monumental promises we know we cannot sustain? Surely we would all be much better off if we instead focused on ourselves more – not what we are told by society that we should want but what we as individuals actually want. We should all stop concentrating on the negatives and instead turn our attention to the positives.

I propose that this year we should take the time to consider all we have done well over the past year. Focus on the positives and aim to improve on those. Get better at what we are already good at. Surely that is a better view to take, is more realistic and should be easier to achieve. I would also suggest that in the end, it would also be far more beneficial than beginning a new year with broken promises.

So what has gone well for you in 2009? What things have you done well? What achievements have you attained? How could you do those things even better this year? Or if there is no room to improve, how can you maintain them?

This year I have managed to get a few 1st class marks on coursework so I will be looking to maintain that achievement or surpass it in the coming 2 terms (depending on the module). For the 1st part of 2009, we managed our money fairly well so I will be aiming to get that going again and to maintain it. As I have a few more days left in this year, I will be pondering what other areas of my life are going well and how I can build on those to set myself up for a fantastic 2010. So keep a look out here for my full 2010 New Year’s Resolutions list!