I have been going about with my head in the clouds. Grey ones, not the nice fluffy white ones. It feels like this has been happening for as long as I can remember but I know it’s only been a few weeks this time. I’m not living life, just existing. Every day is a struggle. I feel confused and continuously try to figure out a way to “snap out of it”. So far unsuccessfully. There are too many different things affecting me. Too many angles of attack. I can’t sort them out. I try to identify them all but cannot seem to get beyond the obvious.
All the medical tests have no doubt been cause for worry somewhere in my mind. I try to ignore it by telling myself “you are seeing the neurologist on Tuesday so no point in thinking about it until then”. I push any other thoughts away and force them down – even all the usual panics about getting to the appointment on time etc.
Money is always a source of discomfort. I’m not too good with managing it but the constant struggle gets me down. Bottom line is that ends just don’t meet. I have to be creative but am running out of ideas.
Sleep. I desperately wish we were on good terms. I toss and turn most of the night. I can’t get comfortable. I can’t relax. I can’t switch my mind off. I normally wake to a few short blissful moments where I feel rested. Until I actually get up. Then the effects of poor sleep hit me hard and I battle the consequences for the rest of the day.
Above all, there is a sense of detachment that I just cannot shake off. I feel trapped in someone else’s life. This cannot be MY life! I go through the motions of day-to-day life but fail to see the importance of most things. Nothing motivates. Nothing excites. The challenge of keeping up the pretence that all is well drains me. But I have no choice. I have to carry on. I have to do my best to maintain the illusion.