Tag Archives: fear

To Be Young

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Packing Panic!

Our trip to the USA is causing me to feel excited, anxious, scared, overwhelmed and extremely ‘responsible adult’. I have never planned a hop over the pond (or anywhere else) with such a mixture of emotions – especially not the anxiety and fear.

Oh to be young and carefree again! To go back to when I didn’t worry at all, just did it and went (usually at very short notice). I never had so much time to prepare for any trip as I do now but I feel I have far too much to do before we set off. 49 days to go at the time of writing this. Sounds like plenty of time on the surface but not to me. I am bordering on panic at the though of everything I still need to get done.

Maybe it is all the important stuff I ignored in the past along with the essential stuff that I have been organizing that has me feeling this way. Stuff like the actual booking of flights and the trip to London to get passports. Those are essential and couldn’t be avoided of course. But I have also applied for an international driver’s permit at the post office, investigated travel insurance and other such stuff that I never thought about when travelling in the past.

It all has me so stressed that I’ve even worried about packing! Me worrying about packing? No, no, no! That i just so wrong as I know I am good at it – very organized, very efficient. It is far too early to start packing! And I have all these days in which I need to be doing other things instead of stressing over packing! Yet here I have been intensely surfing the net looking at packing tips even though most pages all say the exact same thing.

For a start, I desperately want to overhaul the entire house. It’s not filthy or anything – mainly just disorganized and needing a proper old fashioned “Spring Clean”. I want it as close to magazine ready as is humanly possible before we leave. I have a harsh return flight schedule with 2 layovers and will in no way want to walk into a chaotic house on my return. Could really do with a cleaning buddy to help or at least keep me company while I work at it for the motivation. The grey skies of late are not helping to energize me at all.

In amongst all this planning for the trip, I also have the day-to-day stuff to deal with. But lately have also needed to sort out other life things like car tax and insurance for new car, blue (disabled) badge, bus pass, home contents insurance, etc. All that stuff no one ever wants to do but really must. Between the trip and life, I have been buried in paperwork (some of it in triplicate which just confuses me). So far I haven’t been able to sort out a decent way of filing all this stuff a most of it needs to be at hand for a while yet (not in the filing cabinet). This also adds to my anxiety as I am terrified I am going to misplace something vital and get screwed later on down the line.

And my health is suffering from it all. I am still sore from the London trip 7 day ago but since we got back from that, I have also developed other issues. The main one being IBS. I know it is due to all the stress I am putting on myself yet can’t seem to get a grip and relax long enough to make a difference.I tried soaking in the tub but even that didn’t work. Hopefully now the extra daily life paperwork has mostly been dealt with I can begin to slow back down again. I certainly need to before we leave or I won’t be fit to enjoy anything.

If anyone reading has any good tips for intense stress, I’m listening with an open mind and lots of gratitude!

Psaryce x

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Anxiety, Fear & Being Alone

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Today is not a good day. I started feeling down yesterday and have been gradually declining ever since. There is so much going on right now, I am finding it harder than normal to fight the darkness.

What started me off yesterday is … On Monday, I have to go to a Tribunal. I appealed against the DWP’s decision that I am fit for work so now have to somehow argue my corner. I am seriously stressing about this. I am a nervous mess just thinking about it. Little me vs 3 professionals. You can bring someone with you but I have no one. My circle of friends is extremely limited and those who would come can’t because the courts chose 3.15 in the afternoon to hear my case. Yup, right at the time when parents, such as me, are dealing with the school run or at least their children returning home from school. I did go to the CAB for advice/help but due to a cock up, the 1st appointment they arranged for me was with the wrong person. So there is little chance the right person has enough time to adjourn the hearing. I am angry about that. Part of the problem with evidence is the doctors don’t yet know what is wrong with me. Knowing that doesn’t help my nerves about Monday any at all.

Today’s post brought further anxiety. An appointment with the day clinic in Neurology in a few weeks time. This time I have to bring someone as I am not to go home alone. Again, limited friends, busy lives. Ugh. Even more fear arose when I fully read what this appointment will entail. First off, an NCS/EMG (Nerve Conduction Studies / Electromyogram). Doesn’t sound fun but wait – the details are even better.

The NCS: electrodes attached to various places one of which “stimulates the nerve” with electrical impulses. This is repeated for a number of nerves over 45 minutes. “Some people find it uncomfortable”.

Even more fun is …

The EMG: A fine needle is inserted into the muscles to “view & listen to the electrical activity”. Further “you may be asked to move in a certain way in order to contract the test muscle” Oh joy! I get a needle stuck in my muscle then they want me to contract it … ouch!

But wait there is more still!

After these distressing tests, I get to have another biopsy! This time instead of cutting out a piece of skin, they will be plunging a hollow needle into my thigh muscle in order to extract a piece of it. “This can be uncomfortable but it is over quickly”.  As I recall from the last biopsy, the local anaesthetic stings like mad and the cut was not exactly unfelt. Also I am kind of fond of my body bits so the idea of taking a bit out doesn’t sit well with me anyways.

I know I shouldn’t get wound up about things that are to be faced in the future but right now I just can’t shake them off. I feel like a child but what I really, really  want is a cuddle and to be told everything will be okay.

Psaryce x

Only 1 True Love

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“The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person” – Vi Putnam

 

I have been ruminating on this quote all morning. My thoughts and feelings about it are mixed. On the one hand, it has come into my life at a time where I can truly appreciate it. On the other hand, I fear it has come too late.

In my past, it would have terrified me. To be “needed” used to be an uncomfortable burden to my mind. The responsibility alone was unnerving. I couldn’t understand the beauty of such a situation. Instead I constantly worried. It was a worry brought about through fear.

In the depths of my being, I was afraid of letting others down, of not being enough and of being exposed as a fraud. Yes, a fraud. Unintentionally, mind you, but a fraud because I was terrified of “needing” someone, anyone. In my warped mind, I had always expected to be let down, to be rejected, to be hurt. The idea of giving that much power to someone else was inconsiderable (considering they would eventually destroy me).

Sadly what my conscious mind wasn’t aware of was the fact that somewhere along the way I had gotten myself into that situation. I didn’t realise it but I had come to “need” one person in my life. I believe that is what sent me off the rails 2 years ago and what affected my behaviour to become so deranged. I look back and am ashamed at just how unhinged I had become. Worse I am appalled I didn’t even know what was really going on.

When the dust began to settle, I came to terms with this insight. I began to feel a calm wash over me. A contentment of sorts that I cannot explain. I know now that my fear had focused my thoughts on the being “needed” and blocked out my own “need”. That, unfortunately, prevented me from arriving at acceptance before chaos took hold.

So now there is a new fear. Acceptance and understanding have come too late. See, I am a romantic – too much so for my own good at times. But I believe that while one can have adequate relationships with various partners, we actually only have one true love. There is one person you are simply meant to be with and without whom life is just experienced, not lived. A bit old-fashioned I know but if you ever find that one extraordinary person for you, you will understand.

 

Psaryce x