Tag Archives: guilt

Proving Innocence

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Early on in life I realised that while it is very easily to collect evidence to prove someone’s guilt, it is often nigh on impossible to prove innocence. I remember feeling so angry and frustrated about this unjust aspect of life. In a court of law one is meant to be “innocent until proven guilty” but in real life that logic just doesn’t apply. It is sad really. It is sad that humans can be so mistrusting. It is sad that we are often so closed that we will not allow ourselves to believe the truth. It is sad we are so hell bent on protecting and shielding ourselves that we shut out more than we should.

In my youth I foolishly believed that once I reached adulthood this sort of nonsense would be a thing of the past. I assumed that adults were mature enough to think and respond reasonably – almost logically. I trusted that the days of unfounded accusations would be long gone. I imagined the people I would associate and interact with would be rational and sensible. How naïve was I to think such things let alone believe them?

Okay it is true that in order for your innocence to be accepted and, preferably, assumed, there has to be trust. The level of trust required probably depends on the gravity of the situation. Now I am not highly virtuous nor am I pure and blameless. However, I do admit to my mistakes and confess my guilt when I have done something wrong. So I guess I have this wonky way of thinking that makes me assume people who know me proper will know what I am capable of. In other words, they know my boundaries and know if I am asked, I will put my hands up if I am to blame. Sadly this is also not the case at times.

While good communication between people plays a big role in all this, much of life is about taking risks in various forms. To go beyond the emotions and fears and listen with an open mind to someone you think has done you wrong can be scary. It is a risk that needs to be balanced by your own ideas of potential rewards. Therefore, it is often easier to not take that change; to not run that risk.

Personally, I try to take each situation and person at face value. I often trust people too much and get burned by doing so. But I don’t like the alternative. I have no desire to go through life second-guessing everyone and their motives. To me that would be far worse than the pain of being let down by those few who were not worth the risk.

See the good in others; Trust people more; Take the risk; Communicate openly.

 

Psaryce x

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What Do You Do With Guilt?

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I have never regretted anything I have done in my life before. I always stuck by my decisions knowing that they were the best choices at the time they were made.

Now I find myself in a position I’ve never been before. I regret a whole load of things I did over a period of a year or so. I regret not only my actions but my reactions, thoughts and words as well. I also regret a few things I have done or said recently. This feeling is so foreign to me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how it has happened.

It had been lingering under the surface for weeks but then it hit me suddenly yesterday and with such force bringing guilt in its wake. I didn’t handle it very well I must admit. It felt like my soul had been stabbed violently several times. I could do nothing but sob. I tried to reach out to the one person who matters despite knowing that was the one person I had done the most damage to. Also I was going about it the wrong way. That made me feel foolish and more guilty so I sobbed even more.

I haven’t felt that down in months. Usually my pattern of depression is that it builds for a few days or a week before I get trapped in its clutches. It gives me time to fight it. But last night it just pounced on me mercilessly and without fair warning. I awoke this morning with a pounding head; feeling like I have the worst hangover of my life. I feel drained, depleted and ashamed.

Depression is tricky like that. You start making progress in your life. You begin to feel better, more in control and even happy. Then something can set it off and you feel back to the beginning again. It is an awful disease. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

And now in the cold light of the morning I still have to figure out what to do with all this guilt. I think I’ll start with some Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.

Psaryce x