For years I waited in hope. Especially that last year. But nothing ever came. Well nothing that I needed that is. I couldn’t ask for them directly. That would have only patronized my need. They needed to come all on their own. The longer I waited, the more convinced I became that I had been wrong in my thinking.
In the beginning, I was sure that my needs would be fulfilled. If I waited long enough, withdrew enough, goaded enough. That confidence fairl quickly turned into hope via the doubts that were abounding. The stage of waiting, hanging about in limbo under the guise of hope lasted so long.
Years of mental torment I suffered in this impasse. I blanked it out and withdrew more when it became unbearable. Eventually creating the fantasy world I previously wrote about and which ultimately led to all being lost.
Afterwards, I still stubbornly held onto that hope. I guess that has only served to prolong my own pain. It also meant I didn’t have to consider the repercussions. If I only focussed on myself, then I didn’t have to think about anyone else. How selfish is that? Incredibly selfish I would say.
But it is easier to say that now. I am in a different place. I can think beyond myself . It is hard to accept I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t worth fighting for. It still hurts a lot but I will heal eventually. I have to. There is no alternative.