Tag Archives: life

Reflecting on 2015

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Overall, I am thankful. This time last year, my mother was in hospital and I was terrified that she wouldn’t make it through. At one point I felt she had given up fighting and the thought quashed all my hopes as if they were merely a gnat which the wicked witch of the West’s house had fallen on. They were very dark days filled with anger and frustration, worry and panic … days that I don’t care to think about or remember.

But as I said, I am thankful because she did pull through and is much better now. Me? I’m still a mess. Still in a dark place but nothing like back then. The darkness will always follow me; always threatened to pull me in. Some days, like today, are better than others. It’s a constant battle for me.

2015 brought other positives as well. Chrissy got her CBT and driver’s license so she could start riding her ped. Growing up so fast! It seems the older they get, the quicker the years fly by. I dread to blink my eyes for fear of finding myself transported 5 years into the future!

As for myself, I plucked up the courage to apply for and actually get a job! The fact that I became so overwhelmed and started getting panic attacks and cannot actually go to work right now shouldn’t take away that achievement. I did a lot while I was working … a lot! So regardless of my current working status, I’m gonna pat myself on the back for that one!

I was there to see my youngest go ballistic when she opened her GCSE results and found she not only passed but got better grades than she expected. She was so ecstatic and happy and in a state of blissful relief. I have rarely seen her react with so little restraint about anything. She was literally jumping for joy and I will cherish those moment for the rest of my life.

Then there was her Prom. She was simply stunning! We spent the afternoon at a salon having her make-up done (this after a previous trip for the tan and nails). Her best friend did her hair and, naturally, she re-applied make-up her own way (professionals aren’t good enough lol). The final result was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. She even seemed to enjoy having her picture taken when she got out of the car by the photographers (plus Lou and I) … a wee bit of a paparazzi moment.

My own life started going downhill in August when the panic attacks began. It was following a particularly stressful time at work and but still feels like it was far too sudden. One day I felt a bit under pressure (no problem, I got this) and the next I was paralysed with fright that I couldn’t explain. I still can’t. Meanwhile I have begun having flashbacks to moments in my life I really do not want to remember. Yippee. I have been waiting for treatment beyond pills since September. I’m still on a waiting list because the first place I was referred to can’t help me. But I am still plodding through the dark days and carrying on as best I can.

The legs started playing up last month. Again just suddenly like the panic attacks. One day I’m walking along just fine and the next WHAM! My thighs say “No!”. They just do not work. Walking is a chore and I can’t go too far without getting afraid of stepping (wobbling or shuffling) beyond the point of no return. Climbing stairs is flat out embarrassing because I have to crawl up them on all fours (my arms doing most of the work). I now hire an electric scooter if I go into the city centre because I just can’t walk that much. But I am thankful that I have that option – it gives me a bit of freedom and saves me so much pain the next day.

I am most thankful that Chrissy was not more injured in her accident this month. After a 4×4 cut her up and knocked her off her ped that she was able to (eventually) walk out of the A&E department on crutches with scrapes and aches completely amazed me. Words cannot describe how lucky I feel, how relieved and grateful I am.

I am thankful for both of my daughters (Crystal and Chrissy), my mother, my sisters (Sandy and Donna) and my friends. They have all at times been my rock this year. They have offered good advice, encouraged me and made me laugh. What more could I ask for?

So, 2015 you were not all that bad really. I bid you adieu in a few days without the curse that 2014 got when it left. And when you see 2016 on your way out, could you ask it to give me a great year this time please?

 

Psaryce x

Beginning Again

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I have recently been persuaded to begin writing on my blog again. I gave in to the arguments in the pro column and here I am. The problem is that I have no idea what to write about!

I’m a rather reactive sort of person so in the past, my entries have mostly been about whatever was going on in my life. That can sometimes be a good thing if you channel the positives. I didn’t. As I said I can be quite reactive so the entries tended to be indirect attacks on specific people who were, for wont of a better phrase, pissing me off. I suppose that is okay from time to time but I began to feel all I was doing was moaning and whinging and I didn’t think my readers really wanted to be subjected to my turmoil in that way. So I stopped writing and want to avoid this turning into a bitchfest once again.

I have plenty of health issues (such as diabetes, depression, anxiety, panic attacks) and it was suggest this could be a way of tracking all that is going on with my body. But I do wonder (again) do my readers really want to hear all about it? Like how depressing having diabetes really is; how it can be so frustrating trying to get it right; how you feel like a constant failure because it is impossible to get right all of the time. Once again, I don’t see a problem with posting about my health once in a while but feel I need to be wary of it becoming another subject for moaning and whinging. So I shall try to limit posts about my medical issues.

It was also suggested as a way of self-analysis or reflection. Perhaps a way to discover me! What makes me tick? How and why do I react to things? Are there any patterns? Can I make any changes for the better? As with the previous angles, I think this too would get boring for my readers.

What else could I write about? Plenty I am sure! Those who know my will be aware that I can be very opinionated. Caution must be taken in this area as well. I mean, who am I to pontificate as if I’m an expert when I’m not?

I could also just write about my daily life with the aim of keeping friends and family informed. I suppose that has the possible advantage of being more varied in the content but also runs the risk of being monotonous. I’m not currently experiencing lots of changes from day-to-day and worry I won’t be creative to capture and hold people’s attention for more than a few days. It would be a challenge to turn the mundane and oridinary into something interesting to read though … hmm I shall ponder on that one!

So those are things I think that I should aim to avoid doing in my posts. Why is it usually easier to say what you don’t want than it is to work out what you do want?

I guess until I work out what it is that I want to write, I’ll just ramble on about lots of things in the hope that I will find something to stick with.

Just checked and I haven’t posted in over 2 years!! Since it’s been so long, I’m not even sure anybody will actually see this post. So I ask that those of you who do, please let me know that you still get notified and also PLEASE help me chose some content ideas! Give me a task, a subject … what would you like me to write about? Let me know here or on Facebook or whatever … just let me know please 🙂

Bright Blessings,

Psaryce x

 

Apathy – Society’s Disease

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The other night two incidents occurred which have left me feeling unsettled. Unsettled and angry … at myself. I am not the type of person to “walk on by” or “turn a blind eye”. I get involved. Whether that is always good or not doesn’t really matter. Inaction, in my mind, is far worse.

I was in the city centre having a few drinks with a friend. It was a cute little street filled with bars, pubs and restaurants. The ideal location to hop about from one place to another – each with its own ambience. We had just come out of one bar and were discussing where to go next. Then a couple walking away caught my eye just before I saw a waiter step out of the Tapas Bar and call after them. “Excuse me! Excuse me!”. The couple carried on walking very casually. The waiter looked perplexed. I asked my friend “Should we get their attention?”. The reply I got was “No, we shouldn’t get involved. It’s not our business”.

I was torn. I had to very quickly weigh the importance of assisting the stranger/s versus the risk of offending my friend. I mentally debated a tad too long and the couple were too far away to intervene without chasing after them. So I acquiesced to my friend and let it go. But I still didn’t feel comfortable about it.

At first I thought they were skipping out without paying. But their casual nature combined with the waiter’s own relaxed attitude soon got me thinking of other alternatives. Perhaps they left too much money. Maybe one of them left a personal belonging behind. Or dropped something without knowing.

I considered how frustrating it might be for them at the end of the night (or even the next day) to discover something had been lost. What a hassle it might be to “re-trace” their steps to try and find it. And it annoyed me to no end thinking of how I could have just stepped in and potentially saved them the palaver.

But I didn’t so on with the evening I went, shoving the whole thing to the back of my mind. I managed to do that okay and proceeded to have a nice time. Until the second incident arose.

We had picked up a take away and were sat in my car talking when I noticed a man in the street behind us (via my rear view mirror). He had fallen off a bike and was slowly getting up. I continued to watch his progress with some concern. He didn’t seem to be managing the bike very well. He got halfway down the street towards my car and then fell off again. I said to my friend what was happening and the reply once again was “not to get involved” – “it’s not our business” and “it is often more trouble than it’s worth”. There were other people in the street. They were just standing and watching the man but doing nothing. I got angry inside. I knew the man had probably had a few drinks but nonetheless he wasn’t shouting or anything of that sort. I wanted to go see that he was okay and could get home but it was dark out and I didn’t think it would be wise to go over to him on my own.

So I ended the evening. I dropped the friend off and went home. My mind filled with all sorts of thoughts about the evening and in particular the reactions of my friend. I keep saying friend but I don’t really feel like that now. I understand everyone has their own views and whatnot but not too sure I want to be friends with anyone with those views.

Why? Because I think we should all get more involved at times like this and in general. These are just small, little nothing incidents really but if no one will get involved with the small things, then the big things will get ignored as well. Bigger incidents involving children, elderly people, everyday ordinary people whose lives may get turned upside down amidst a huge shock because NO ONE would GET INVOLVED!

What do you really have to lose by stepping in? Nothing!

What do you have to gain by getting involved? Potentially a lot!

You might only receive a simple but genuine thank you for something small. Or you might just get a warm fuzzy feeling for helping someone out. But that one little action could caused a ripple and effect many more people than you will ever know.

So these incidents have reminded me that I’m not happy to stand aside. I don’t feel comfortable “walking on by” and I certainly will not defer to the opinion of another person when I don’t agree with it in my heart.

I will get involved. I will step in. I will stick my nose into business that isn’t mine.

I will not be apathetic!

Psaryce xo

I Want What Matters

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I don’t want money, I want happiness

I don’t want holidays, I want memories

I don’t want luxuries, I want comfort

I don’t want bullshit, I want the truth

I don’t want pity, I want support

I don’t want to be right, I want to be heard

I don’t want to lead, I want to collaborate

I don’t want popularity, I want real friends

I don’t want fame, I want love

 

Psaryce x

Riding The Wave!

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I never truly noticed until recently just how up and down every day can be. In the past it all just overwhelmed me. I couldn’t separate the highs from the lows – it all just jumbled together and confused me. I often felt envious of people whose lives seem to coast along on a plateau with a few minor bumps thrown in here and there. They seem to live their lives on an even keel whereas mine was always in the midst of a storm. A “chaotic whirlwind” is how I once described my life.

But I have learned quite a lot of things in the past few months. Things like … other people also go through ups and downs. Okay maybe not on a daily basis, perhaps not even on a monthly basis. But the point is they experience these fluctuations. I am not alone.

The main thing I have learned is how to separate things out. I can how enjoy the ups! I can also cope with the downs. I have managed somehow to achieve some sort of balance within myself. I find it amazing!

For years I felt as if I were standing on a beach beneath a massive wave that just would not break. I was desperate for it to give and crash down upon me. The wave represented all the things that were holding me back in life. I knew they were all internal and of my own making. I just couldn’t work out how to release them so the wave would give way.

I still don’t know how I have gotten to this point. I don’t sense that foreboding “Big Kahuna” any longer. Yes there is always going to be something in the water but I am now able to ride the waves that remain.

Psaryce x

What Do You Do With Guilt?

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I have never regretted anything I have done in my life before. I always stuck by my decisions knowing that they were the best choices at the time they were made.

Now I find myself in a position I’ve never been before. I regret a whole load of things I did over a period of a year or so. I regret not only my actions but my reactions, thoughts and words as well. I also regret a few things I have done or said recently. This feeling is so foreign to me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how it has happened.

It had been lingering under the surface for weeks but then it hit me suddenly yesterday and with such force bringing guilt in its wake. I didn’t handle it very well I must admit. It felt like my soul had been stabbed violently several times. I could do nothing but sob. I tried to reach out to the one person who matters despite knowing that was the one person I had done the most damage to. Also I was going about it the wrong way. That made me feel foolish and more guilty so I sobbed even more.

I haven’t felt that down in months. Usually my pattern of depression is that it builds for a few days or a week before I get trapped in its clutches. It gives me time to fight it. But last night it just pounced on me mercilessly and without fair warning. I awoke this morning with a pounding head; feeling like I have the worst hangover of my life. I feel drained, depleted and ashamed.

Depression is tricky like that. You start making progress in your life. You begin to feel better, more in control and even happy. Then something can set it off and you feel back to the beginning again. It is an awful disease. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

And now in the cold light of the morning I still have to figure out what to do with all this guilt. I think I’ll start with some Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.

Psaryce x

Not Enough

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For years I waited in hope. Especially that last year. But nothing ever came. Well nothing that I needed that is. I couldn’t ask for them directly. That would have only patronized my need. They needed to come all on their own. The longer I waited, the more convinced I became that I had been wrong in my thinking.

In the beginning, I was sure that my needs would be fulfilled. If I waited long enough, withdrew enough, goaded enough. That confidence fairl quickly turned into hope via the doubts that were abounding. The stage of waiting, hanging about in limbo under the guise of hope lasted so long.

Years of mental torment I suffered in this impasse. I blanked it out and withdrew more when it became unbearable. Eventually creating the fantasy world I previously wrote about and which ultimately led to all being lost.

Afterwards, I still stubbornly held onto that hope. I guess that has only served to prolong my own pain. It also meant I didn’t have to consider the repercussions. If I only focussed on myself, then I didn’t have to think about anyone else. How selfish is that? Incredibly selfish I would say.

But it is easier to say that now. I am in a different place. I can think beyond myself . It is hard to accept I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t worth fighting for. It still hurts a lot but I will heal eventually. I have to. There is no alternative.

Psaryce x