Tag Archives: love

Love Sucks

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When I think of love, I think of the following lines from James Morrison’s song Love is Hard

“Love takes hostages,
Gives them pain.
Gives someone the power to
Hurt you again and again”

It’s true and yet I find myself craving love. It makes no sense logically. Why give away your power? Why put yourself in a position to be hurt? Okay so it’s not meant to be like that but why take the risk? How many relationships (including friends and family) ever last without some form of pain?

They may not intend to cause you pain but it happens all the time. A word here, a look there. Subtle things that stab you right in the heart and often they don’t even know they are doing it. Those are the things that make it all so unbearable. If you call them on it, the response is almost always “I didn’t mean it like that” or some other such dribble that makes you feel stupid for misunderstanding or in some other way inadequate. I put myself through this for too many years during one relationship and still I don’t know why.

In the beginning of any relationship there is the “honeymoon” period. That time when neither of you can do any wrong. You’re so wrapped up in positive feelings that anything that might be negative gets blurred by all your excitement. During this time, your emotions are intense, you’re walking on clouds and you live in a protective bubble where nothing can touch or harm you.

Eventually, real life begins to see into your bubble but you’re still on a high so anything amiss gets marked down as a quirky trait or excused because your loved one has been under stress or some other nonsense. You make excuses but tell yourself they are good reasons and not worth rocking the boat over. You tell yourself that all the good of the relationship outweighs the bad. That is mistake one in my experience.

This phase of a loving relationship is tricky. Your mind is still being clouded by adrenaline. By this point you also feel you should carry on because you have so much invested. Mistake number 2! If you don’t start to address the negatives at this stage, they will take over and consume you. Trust me. I have been there.

Once the honeymoon is over and real life barges its way in, you are on to the 3rd phase. This is the one where you tell yourself that you have accepted your partners flaws and they don’t bother you.Your energies go into maintaining the status quo and are usually spent ignoring the negatives. You have invested your time and given your heart to this other person so it doesn’t seem sensible to back out now. Besides, your ancestors never split up so there must be something wrong with you to even think of doing that!

It’s all my own fault is the catchphrase of the 3rd stage. You blame yourself for things not working out as picture perfectly as you think they should. More excuses are made but now they aren’t really for the other person, they are focused on yourself. There is something wrong with you. You’re being too sensitive. You’re misunderstanding. If you had done something differently / explained yourself better / worn something else … All the while you know it’s bullshit but you’re in love so you ignore the truth. Besides, you don’t want to be alone and have to start all over again do you?

Time passes without you really noticing. You plod away at daily life. You continue to ignore what you know in your heart to be true. You’re now in stage 4. You are broken. You have given all you can and it doesn’t seem like it’s ever been enough. You’re not appreciated – you are a doormat. You don’t even realize that you are being stepped all over. You have accept your lot in life and in the rare moments that you question your life, you tell yourself it could be a lot worse.

Then phase 5 hits hard! You are suddenly a lump on the floor. Left alone to fend for yourself. Your love is gone and has no desire to return. All that time invested all the effort you put in was for nothing. You kick yourself for not getting out sooner. You berate yourself for being a fool. You do everything possible to cover up your pain because you are embarrassed by it. Other people offer sympathy but you don’t want it. You’ve been blaming yourself for years so why change now?

So there you are. Crushed and in pain. Love has conquered you. And as you lie there licking your wounds, the only thing you think is how much you’d give to have things go back to the way they were. But I ask you … is it really worth the risk of being defeated again?

Psaryce x

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Travelling

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This time next week I will be on a bus with Chrissy heading to London Gatwick airport. It feels so strange to think that. I’ve not been in the US for 16 years – well neither of us have to be honest. I am filled with so many emotions that it feels overwhelming.

I am super excited of course. Having lived a very hum-drum life for many years, this is a huge event for me. I can’t wait to see my family whom I love dearly. I’m especially looking forward to hugs with my mother, my eldest daughter and her 3 boys – I have 3 grandsons :O I would also dearly love to hug my son Nikkolas but that will be up to him. But just the thought of being with everyone is mind-blowing for me. I look forward to spending time with my sisters and hopefully getting to do some things with each of them to just spend time one-on-one. For example sitting and crocheting or knitting with my eldest sister Sandy. Maybe she can teach me a thing or two but it won’t matter as I just want the experience. Maybe go somewhere with my other sister Donna and get silly like we used to do. I could use a bit of sister silly in my life and think she could too.

I am nervous. In the run up to leaving, I am anxious about packing the right things, not forgetting something important and also getting household tasks completed – like defrosting the freezer! Ugh I hate doing that. I’m trying to be very organized about packing but think I have gone off the list a bit. I may have packed more than planned. But when the suitcase isn’t full what can you do?!

I am happy. Not something I am normally but at the moment I am so glad I have this opportunity. It feels good this whole trip thing. I feel I deserve it after all this time. There have been moments in the past 2 months where I felt I didn’t deserve it; felt I’d been too spontaneous and selfish for booking it. But now I am focusing on the love we will all share in person, face-to-face.

I am nervous. The whole getting to the plane on time is a source of anxiety for me. I know I have everything planned out but can’t help worry that mundane things like traffic will get in the way of the plan. Once I’m at the airport and checked in I know I will be able to relax a bit.

I’m ecstatic! I can’t wait for the laughter of which I’m sure there will be plenty. We’re all a bit daffy so lots of laughing is pretty much a guarantee. I love the sound of laughter – it warms my heart and soothes my soul.

I currently feel like I’m in limbo. I have all this stuff to do but am too impatient. I want to be on the move not held down seeing to boring details. I started counting down the days back when there were 50 to go but the last 43 days have flown by. I suspect these last 7 are going to drag on but I really hope not. I hate waiting for things to happen!

So these are just some of the feelings and thoughts I’m having. There are many more but I don’t want to bore anyone.

Psaryce x

I Want What Matters

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I don’t want money, I want happiness

I don’t want holidays, I want memories

I don’t want luxuries, I want comfort

I don’t want bullshit, I want the truth

I don’t want pity, I want support

I don’t want to be right, I want to be heard

I don’t want to lead, I want to collaborate

I don’t want popularity, I want real friends

I don’t want fame, I want love

 

Psaryce x

Dreams

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I can’t think right today. I cannot focus or concentrate. I guess it is no wonder that I am also lacking motivation. The heating is still not fixed. I don’t know why that has my spirits down. I feel like life is at a standstill until it is repaired. I had wanted to do some grocery shopping yesterday but waited in for the landlord to come. Their handyman came but couldn’t fix it. He called the landlord to come take a look as he thinks it is an electrical problem. Landlord never came. He didn’t call either. This morning I got a text that someone else will be round this afternoon. So I am waiting in again to try and avoid another cold night.

It wasn’t the cold that kept me up last night though. My legs were painful and I couldn’t get comfortable enough in bed. But that wasn’t the main problem either. It was my mind running, thinking, and imagining. I couldn’t stop it. I tried reading as that usually helps but it didn’t. I tried playing a game on Facebook but it kept messing up so only served to annoy me. The last I looked the clock said 3.30am. I have no idea when I actually fell asleep. I woke up again at 9 feeling worse than before. The sleep had been restless instead of relaxing.

I had spoken to him on the phone earlier and couldn’t stop thinking of him ever since. Laying alone in our bed in a cold dark room, I reminisced about the nights he lay next to me. I tried to imagine him there – his presence, his breathing, his scent. I even tried to imagine his snoring which had kept me awake so many nights. My mind would not stop creating these thoughts. I tried to shake them off. I knew they were impeding sleep. But they persisted. Trying to remember how it felt when we cuddled up in the “spoons” position, imagining a repeat of the nights when he would say “I can’t sleep” which was his way (sometimes) of saying he wanted to make love … those dark nights of sleepy sex.

Last night I could neither stop the thoughts nor could I get absorbed in the fantasy. It was frustrating. It still is. Although these thoughts are not completely consuming in the light of day, they are still there. They are distracting me. I am still trying to shove them away. I don’t like allowing myself to dream. It is like wishing for something you have no control over. Blind hope. Dreams don’t come true for me. I get left yearning for something that will never happen.

Psaryce x

Fighting Spirit Kicks In

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Surprisingly I am not feeling bad today at all. Instead of withdrawing, I have been making plans for the future – mine and my daughter’s. At some point between yesterday afternoon and this morning, I remembered that I’m an American. As such, I have a deeply instilled hatred of giving in and an even more ingrained “underdog” spirit that causes me to fight back. The awesome thing is that for the first time in ages, I have bounced back at my usual speedy rate.

So, I now have my eyes wide open and am shifting my focus and energy onto what truly matters the most. My daughter and myself. We are quite a good team she and I and I am grateful to have her in my life. We laugh, we argue and we love. Now with my new plans, we will live.

Now all this means I cannot procrastinate any more – this is a good thing. It also means I have lots and lots to do. Luckily there are not too many dishes to wash up from tea tonight so I can wizz through those. Then I can shift all my stuff into my new fridge/freezer! Sad to be so excited about a kitchen appliance but we both cannot wait to start using it. Having to let it stand for 24 hours has been making us both anxious.

Ahhh simple pleasures 😀

 

Psaryce x

Only 1 True Love

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“The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person” – Vi Putnam

 

I have been ruminating on this quote all morning. My thoughts and feelings about it are mixed. On the one hand, it has come into my life at a time where I can truly appreciate it. On the other hand, I fear it has come too late.

In my past, it would have terrified me. To be “needed” used to be an uncomfortable burden to my mind. The responsibility alone was unnerving. I couldn’t understand the beauty of such a situation. Instead I constantly worried. It was a worry brought about through fear.

In the depths of my being, I was afraid of letting others down, of not being enough and of being exposed as a fraud. Yes, a fraud. Unintentionally, mind you, but a fraud because I was terrified of “needing” someone, anyone. In my warped mind, I had always expected to be let down, to be rejected, to be hurt. The idea of giving that much power to someone else was inconsiderable (considering they would eventually destroy me).

Sadly what my conscious mind wasn’t aware of was the fact that somewhere along the way I had gotten myself into that situation. I didn’t realise it but I had come to “need” one person in my life. I believe that is what sent me off the rails 2 years ago and what affected my behaviour to become so deranged. I look back and am ashamed at just how unhinged I had become. Worse I am appalled I didn’t even know what was really going on.

When the dust began to settle, I came to terms with this insight. I began to feel a calm wash over me. A contentment of sorts that I cannot explain. I know now that my fear had focused my thoughts on the being “needed” and blocked out my own “need”. That, unfortunately, prevented me from arriving at acceptance before chaos took hold.

So now there is a new fear. Acceptance and understanding have come too late. See, I am a romantic – too much so for my own good at times. But I believe that while one can have adequate relationships with various partners, we actually only have one true love. There is one person you are simply meant to be with and without whom life is just experienced, not lived. A bit old-fashioned I know but if you ever find that one extraordinary person for you, you will understand.

 

Psaryce x

Memories

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I'm 5!

I came across this photo from 8 years ago while browsing through the files in my pictures folder. Wow! It is amazing how much has happened in that time. My daughter is now so grown up and beautiful. She was a handful back then and still is today – just in a different way.

She’s at her 5th birthday party. Dressed as a fairy – naturally. She was so into fairies at that age. That dress cost a small fortune but she wore it a LOT! Her little cheeks are red from running about having fun. In another room, there was a bouncy castle. She wore herself out that day bouncing and running and playing with her friends. It was a great day.

Looking at this image, part of me wishes I could go back to that time. I wasn’t aware back then how simple things really were. I have learned so much since then and can now appreciate everything so much more. I think when she gets home from school, I am going to give her a hug and tell her how much I love her.

Psaryce x