My depression is at bay once again – only just but that is something. Life however is not. I feel overwhelmed by it. Yet again, money is causing no end of troubles. Well, the lack of it. My child benefit payment has yet to arrive this week. This is not good considering how tight my budget is these days. And it angers me because it highlights in my mind too vividly my shortcomings as a mother/parent.
On Sunday, my daughter went riding with one of her friends’ mother. She had a fantastic time. Not surprising as she is in heaven anytime she is around horses. It is this more than anything where I feel I am failing her. I know she’d gladly give up all the other little things in life if she could have her own horse. And that is something I cannot give her. At least not at this point in life.
The trouble expands as I cannot envision ever being ahead of the game enough to give her her heart’s desire. The more my health issues disrupt my life, the more they impact on hers. It isn’t fair.
It is natural for parents to want to give their children all that they want. Finances limit that for everyone. But it seems so unjust when there is really only 1 thing the child wants. Especially as I know how much she wants it and how beneficial it would be for her.
I want to be a good mother. I want to be able to say I give her everything. I want to know that she is happy. I just don’t know how to make it happen.
It is literally 100 footsteps from my front door and the Tesco Express in the corner near my house. I counted them today. It may seem a silly thing to do but I had a good enough reason (well good enough for my mind).
Before popping over to get a few things (milk, chips for tea, tobacco, etc.), I logged into my bank account. I transferred £30, grabbed my keys and shopping bag then left the house. I grabbed the milk then the chips (I’m forever popping in there so went straight to them without any hunting or dawdling) then headed for the till. Hi, how ya doing, blah, blah whilst Adam rang up my items and some tobacco. Pop in my card, enter the pin … DECLINED!
WTF?!?!?! I literally had JUST put money in! We tried again … no joy. I paid cash for the tobacco and he set the rest aside. Theres a cashpoint right outside the store (naturally) so I tried to withdraw £10 as I have had issues with my card in the store before … INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. Ugggghhhh! How can it possibly be?!
I go back home. I log into my bank. Available balance £6! I don’t get it at all. How can £24 have disappeared in that little space of time? In just 100 footsteps? I transfer another £10 from my savings, rush back to the cashpoint and withdraw the needed money. Adam thinks it is funny when I tell him as he rings my items through a second time (minus the tobacco). I didn’t. I still don’t. I am baffled at what transaction is sitting there disrupting my available balance. I have thought about it, gone through recent receipts, looked through direct debits, etc. I can find nothing that should be awaiting payment. Grrrr.
I HATE BANKS!!!!