Tag Archives: overwhelmed

Looking Out For Number One

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The title is my favourite line in the lyrics of Public Image Limited’s Bad Life.

It is also something I struggle with. I always have. Far too often I put other people first. And when I don’t, when I try to what is best for me, what do I get? Grief. I get accused of being inconsiderate, of not thinking about others and of intentionally causing pain.

Bullshit! I never intentionally harm anyone (never have and never will). I am not inconsiderate, in fact I think of other people before myself 99% of the time. Well at least I have always done so in the past. But I am growing and in that process, I must begin to consider what is best for me short-term as well as long-term. And that means I can no longer sit back and just take crap from anyone. Especially not right now.

For the last few weeks, I have been battling stuff from several directions. The biggest thing is I have been trying to cope with my mental health issues while attempting to put together a coherent and concise argument against a decision by the DWP to cut my benefits. I have had no help with this at all. Instead, the person who should have been helping me has been dragging their heels about writing a letter of support to go along with my rebuttal. So not only have I not had the help I needed, I have had extra anxiety over whether or not supporting evidence would be available to submit along with my own.

Speaking of my mental health issues, recently I have been worse than I have ever been since I was 16. And the psychiatrist changed my medication just after Xmas. So bear that in mind as you read this (if you continue to read it). It has caused me to feel even more depressed, caused me to be very sensitive and I cry at the littlest things or become enraged almost instantaneously. This obviously adds to the already, ever-present struggle in my head that I normally face daily as I try to cope with these extreme feelings and at the same time resist reacting to them.

The cut in my PIP has lead to beginning a new battle with the council regarding my housing benefits. Where I live, you only have 2 options to contact the council: 1) by telephone. This is not an option for me as my anxieties preventing me from making this type of phone call and 2) via an online form. I, naturally, chose the latter. The system and the form itself were ridiculously stressful. There had been no forewarning of what detailed information I would need to hand so I had to scramble about in a rush to avoid the thing timing out. It did. 3 times. So I had to input some of the information 4 times in the end. This was bad enough but some fields on the form apparently required you to click an “Add” button even when you had no information to put into that field. The form did not tell you this, nor did the error message that kept popping up and preventing you from continuing to the next section. 2 hours later I was a wreck. I had been in tears while at the same time filled with rage. Tears over the undue stress I was having to face and rage at the council for stopping people from being able to go down to their office and speak to them face-to-face. Not only do I feel more capable of relaying information in a face-to-face situation, this lack of access to a human only serves to highlight just how Americanized the UK is becoming. We are no longer people. We need not have names as we have our National Id Number. And that is all we are now to the powers that be – a number. But that is a topic for another day.

Throughout all this, my central heating stopped working. This caused another battle to come my way as every winter we have lived here, the heating goes out. Every year the plumber my landlord used has said the boiler needs to be replaced. This year he has sent a different company to come and look. The new guy agreed – it needs to go. But whereas the previous plumber was quick to communicate and attend the property, the new guy is not. Over a week went by after his first visit without a word. I call and am told they will call me back. They don’t. Not for several days. Meanwhile, I have come down with a cold/flu bug thing and shivering despite many, many layers of clothing and blankets (not a good place to be when trying to think clearly enough to write to the DWP and navigate silly forms that make no sense). It’s been almost 4 weeks since I first reported the problem and it’s still not resolved.

So, I’m sick, freezing cold, mentally unstable, overwhelmed, trying my best to focus on taking care of practical things that have time limits attached to them (as previously mentioned plus trying to find the rent money & stressing over having to pay it late again) and a friend is giving me grief because I cannot deal with anything more than what is already on my plate. Well I don’t have the head space to deal with that and the way I feel right now, I don’t even want to. I have to finish off this stuff for the DWP and get it to them by Friday or I am screwed financially for certain. I have to build myself up to face opening the 3 letters from the council, which by past experience will only confuse me as they tend to contradict themselves and which will force me into having to find the courage to phone them to find out what they actually mean. I have to phone the plumber yet again to try and find out when I might be able to feel my toes and fingers again (seriously! I have been wearing winter hats & gloves in the house!). I have to try and make time to rest so my body can heal as I have come down with yet another cold/bug in the last 2 days. I have to find a way to build myself to facing my upcoming dental appointment on my own. All while trying not to think about the potential problems I face should I not be successful in getting my PIP restored, should my health decline more and I end up in hospital, should my landlord get fed up with the rent being late, should the food run out before I get paid again, etc.

With all of this going on, I am literally focusing on purely trying my best to get things done and just get through each day. I’m Looking Out For Number One because that is what I need to do right now. 

Psaryce x

 

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To Be Young

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Packing Panic!

Our trip to the USA is causing me to feel excited, anxious, scared, overwhelmed and extremely ‘responsible adult’. I have never planned a hop over the pond (or anywhere else) with such a mixture of emotions – especially not the anxiety and fear.

Oh to be young and carefree again! To go back to when I didn’t worry at all, just did it and went (usually at very short notice). I never had so much time to prepare for any trip as I do now but I feel I have far too much to do before we set off. 49 days to go at the time of writing this. Sounds like plenty of time on the surface but not to me. I am bordering on panic at the though of everything I still need to get done.

Maybe it is all the important stuff I ignored in the past along with the essential stuff that I have been organizing that has me feeling this way. Stuff like the actual booking of flights and the trip to London to get passports. Those are essential and couldn’t be avoided of course. But I have also applied for an international driver’s permit at the post office, investigated travel insurance and other such stuff that I never thought about when travelling in the past.

It all has me so stressed that I’ve even worried about packing! Me worrying about packing? No, no, no! That i just so wrong as I know I am good at it – very organized, very efficient. It is far too early to start packing! And I have all these days in which I need to be doing other things instead of stressing over packing! Yet here I have been intensely surfing the net looking at packing tips even though most pages all say the exact same thing.

For a start, I desperately want to overhaul the entire house. It’s not filthy or anything – mainly just disorganized and needing a proper old fashioned “Spring Clean”. I want it as close to magazine ready as is humanly possible before we leave. I have a harsh return flight schedule with 2 layovers and will in no way want to walk into a chaotic house on my return. Could really do with a cleaning buddy to help or at least keep me company while I work at it for the motivation. The grey skies of late are not helping to energize me at all.

In amongst all this planning for the trip, I also have the day-to-day stuff to deal with. But lately have also needed to sort out other life things like car tax and insurance for new car, blue (disabled) badge, bus pass, home contents insurance, etc. All that stuff no one ever wants to do but really must. Between the trip and life, I have been buried in paperwork (some of it in triplicate which just confuses me). So far I haven’t been able to sort out a decent way of filing all this stuff a most of it needs to be at hand for a while yet (not in the filing cabinet). This also adds to my anxiety as I am terrified I am going to misplace something vital and get screwed later on down the line.

And my health is suffering from it all. I am still sore from the London trip 7 day ago but since we got back from that, I have also developed other issues. The main one being IBS. I know it is due to all the stress I am putting on myself yet can’t seem to get a grip and relax long enough to make a difference.I tried soaking in the tub but even that didn’t work. Hopefully now the extra daily life paperwork has mostly been dealt with I can begin to slow back down again. I certainly need to before we leave or I won’t be fit to enjoy anything.

If anyone reading has any good tips for intense stress, I’m listening with an open mind and lots of gratitude!

Psaryce x

Falling Behind

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My depression is at bay once again – only just but that is something. Life however is not. I feel overwhelmed by it. Yet again, money is causing no end of troubles. Well, the lack of it. My child benefit payment has yet to arrive this week. This is not good considering how tight my budget is these days. And it angers me because it highlights in my mind too vividly my shortcomings as a mother/parent.

On Sunday, my daughter went riding with one of her friends’ mother. She had a fantastic time. Not surprising as she is in heaven anytime she is around horses. It is this more than anything where I feel I am failing her. I know she’d gladly give up all the other little things in life if she could have her own horse. And that is something I cannot give her. At least not at this point in life.

The trouble expands as I cannot envision ever being ahead of the game enough to give her her heart’s desire. The more my health issues disrupt my life, the more they impact on hers. It isn’t fair.

It is natural for parents to want to give their children all that they want. Finances limit that for everyone. But it seems so unjust when there is really only 1 thing the child wants. Especially as I know how much she wants it and how beneficial it would be for her.

I want to be a good mother. I want to be able to say I give her everything. I want to know that she is happy. I just don’t know how to make it happen.

Psaryce x