Tag Archives: pain

Love Sucks

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When I think of love, I think of the following lines from James Morrison’s song Love is Hard

“Love takes hostages,
Gives them pain.
Gives someone the power to
Hurt you again and again”

It’s true and yet I find myself craving love. It makes no sense logically. Why give away your power? Why put yourself in a position to be hurt? Okay so it’s not meant to be like that but why take the risk? How many relationships (including friends and family) ever last without some form of pain?

They may not intend to cause you pain but it happens all the time. A word here, a look there. Subtle things that stab you right in the heart and often they don’t even know they are doing it. Those are the things that make it all so unbearable. If you call them on it, the response is almost always “I didn’t mean it like that” or some other such dribble that makes you feel stupid for misunderstanding or in some other way inadequate. I put myself through this for too many years during one relationship and still I don’t know why.

In the beginning of any relationship there is the “honeymoon” period. That time when neither of you can do any wrong. You’re so wrapped up in positive feelings that anything that might be negative gets blurred by all your excitement. During this time, your emotions are intense, you’re walking on clouds and you live in a protective bubble where nothing can touch or harm you.

Eventually, real life begins to see into your bubble but you’re still on a high so anything amiss gets marked down as a quirky trait or excused because your loved one has been under stress or some other nonsense. You make excuses but tell yourself they are good reasons and not worth rocking the boat over. You tell yourself that all the good of the relationship outweighs the bad. That is mistake one in my experience.

This phase of a loving relationship is tricky. Your mind is still being clouded by adrenaline. By this point you also feel you should carry on because you have so much invested. Mistake number 2! If you don’t start to address the negatives at this stage, they will take over and consume you. Trust me. I have been there.

Once the honeymoon is over and real life barges its way in, you are on to the 3rd phase. This is the one where you tell yourself that you have accepted your partners flaws and they don’t bother you.Your energies go into maintaining the status quo and are usually spent ignoring the negatives. You have invested your time and given your heart to this other person so it doesn’t seem sensible to back out now. Besides, your ancestors never split up so there must be something wrong with you to even think of doing that!

It’s all my own fault is the catchphrase of the 3rd stage. You blame yourself for things not working out as picture perfectly as you think they should. More excuses are made but now they aren’t really for the other person, they are focused on yourself. There is something wrong with you. You’re being too sensitive. You’re misunderstanding. If you had done something differently / explained yourself better / worn something else … All the while you know it’s bullshit but you’re in love so you ignore the truth. Besides, you don’t want to be alone and have to start all over again do you?

Time passes without you really noticing. You plod away at daily life. You continue to ignore what you know in your heart to be true. You’re now in stage 4. You are broken. You have given all you can and it doesn’t seem like it’s ever been enough. You’re not appreciated – you are a doormat. You don’t even realize that you are being stepped all over. You have accept your lot in life and in the rare moments that you question your life, you tell yourself it could be a lot worse.

Then phase 5 hits hard! You are suddenly a lump on the floor. Left alone to fend for yourself. Your love is gone and has no desire to return. All that time invested all the effort you put in was for nothing. You kick yourself for not getting out sooner. You berate yourself for being a fool. You do everything possible to cover up your pain because you are embarrassed by it. Other people offer sympathy but you don’t want it. You’ve been blaming yourself for years so why change now?

So there you are. Crushed and in pain. Love has conquered you. And as you lie there licking your wounds, the only thing you think is how much you’d give to have things go back to the way they were. But I ask you … is it really worth the risk of being defeated again?

Psaryce x

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On Regrets

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Most of my life I never had any feelings of regret. All that had happened, all I had done had lead to where and who I was. How could I regret any of my decisions when they gave me 3 beautiful children? Lack of regrets didn’t mean I was happy, it just meant that I understood that I wouldn’t have my children.

In the years since my last marriage broke down, as I have been on my own and learning more about myself, small doubts and some big regrets have crept into my mind. Over choices I made, opportunities lost leading to a barrage of “What if?” questions.

Some of the regrets are about things that would not have impacted on having my children – those are the most difficult ones I am trying to cope with. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment over some of the things I have done. While I know I cannot change my past, I still struggle to accept those decisions.

Depression. I face this demon on a daily basis and it highlights and intensifies all the negative thoughts of my past. It tries to make me think I would not be alone if I had made different choices. That I would be loved and happy. It causes my already low spirits to plummet and I find tears streaming from my eyes without any warning at times.

Music can have a huge impact on my moods. Often the songs from my past that I love the most are the ones that bring back so much pain. Maybe it is a form of self-harm or perhaps I am just trying to face those demons but I cannot resist listening to them. They take me back to my younger self and all the emotions I felt at the time. Some are just general but others take me to a specific event (those are the hardest).

I realise now that I had depression even back then – in my teens. I lacked confidence, was very naive and gullible. I felt no direction and lacked any focus other than to escape my own self. My actions were spontaneous, rash and reckless. Had I known then just how free I really was, I cannot imagine where I would have taken myself in life.

But I know all this reminiscing is pointless. It serves no purpose other than to cause me pain and regret. I hate the idea of regret. I’d prefer to take responsibility for my actions. I made those decisions after all – no one else did.

But what if there is a point to this emotional self flogging? What if it is necessary in order to move forward in my life? Could the fact I have never forgiven myself for mistakes be a part of the cause of my depression? What if it can lead to me gaining confidence and eventually being able to feel strong and able to face more of the obstacles life throws at me?

What are your thoughts? Does any of this ring true for you? Have you been through a similar process? If so, how did it turn out for you? I’d really like to know!

 

Psaryce x

 

 

Evil Talons

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Depression has me firmly in it’s grip once more. The darkness surrounds every fibre of my being and threatens to pull me ever deeper into it’s vacuous space of nothingness.

I fought and struggled at first, twisting and turning to try and escape the evil talons but I couldn’t break free. I am now just existing. I cannot fight any more. I am far too weary and weak. I must wait until I have rested a bit and then wait for a moment when those talons relax a little. Maybe then I can escape; if not completely then at least enough to climb a little higher.

I feel numb with the agonizing pain that sears deep within. Tears stream from my eyes but I haven’t the energy to cry properly. I long to cry out, to sob, to wail with the anguish but I can’t. I am paralysed, unable to even move. I fall into a restless sleep and awake to find the tears are still streaming down my cheeks. My pillow is soaked with the moisture of my pain. The pain I felt even as I slept.

So another day begins. I lie in bed wondering why I should bother getting up. Searching my mind to try and find one reason I should partake in the world today.

Not Enough

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For years I waited in hope. Especially that last year. But nothing ever came. Well nothing that I needed that is. I couldn’t ask for them directly. That would have only patronized my need. They needed to come all on their own. The longer I waited, the more convinced I became that I had been wrong in my thinking.

In the beginning, I was sure that my needs would be fulfilled. If I waited long enough, withdrew enough, goaded enough. That confidence fairl quickly turned into hope via the doubts that were abounding. The stage of waiting, hanging about in limbo under the guise of hope lasted so long.

Years of mental torment I suffered in this impasse. I blanked it out and withdrew more when it became unbearable. Eventually creating the fantasy world I previously wrote about and which ultimately led to all being lost.

Afterwards, I still stubbornly held onto that hope. I guess that has only served to prolong my own pain. It also meant I didn’t have to consider the repercussions. If I only focussed on myself, then I didn’t have to think about anyone else. How selfish is that? Incredibly selfish I would say.

But it is easier to say that now. I am in a different place. I can think beyond myself . It is hard to accept I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t worth fighting for. It still hurts a lot but I will heal eventually. I have to. There is no alternative.

Psaryce x

I Had A “Monday”!

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For those who know me, you are aware that I don’t have “Mondays” like most people. No, I have “Sundays” instead. For years now, Sundays have been the day of my week when things went wrong, I feel sluggish, I fumble a lot, things around me fall, etc. But today I actually experienced a “Monday” and I didn’t like it at all.

It began with a case of insomnia preventing me from falling asleep until after 3am. My legs were achy (nothing new) but the main problem was I couldn’t get my mind to settle down. I eventually drifted off into a restless sleep until the alarm began sounding at 6.30am. And I had to get up. I had to take my daughter to an orthodontist appointment.

I struggled hard to get coherent enough to get dressed and set off for the bus stop. The cold wind did nothing to help wake me. If anything it made me sleepier. Naturally the bus was running late but no worries. Thanks to the schedule we were due to arrive with a spare 30 minutes.

Then we hit traffic. Great! My daughter was already nervous about getting braces and now she started worrying about being late. As we slowly carried on, I began to get worried as well. There is a 10-15 minute walk from where we get off the bus and I can only push myself so far with my leg issues. I was out of breath and in pain when we finally arrived. Guess what? They still hadn’t opened their doors! About 5 minutes later they let us in, we register then sat down to wait to be called. The x-ray went fine but she didn’t get her braces. It seems she has been neglecting to brush her teeth recently. So we get to go through this fun all over again in 4 weeks.

Of course by the time we got back to the bus stop, we’d just missed our bus home. An hour to kill and she was furious with herself. Not good company at all. We got a drink each and a couple of vegetable samosas from a newsagent I usually stop in when I go into the city centre. We meandered through shops, she gradually let go of her anger then made our way back to the stop.

She got off the bus at school and I carried on. I was so tired and in pain, I wanted to go straight home. Sadly I couldn’t as I needed to fill a prescription in the village. I practically stumbled the entire way home (1/2 a mile from the village). I was a worried someone would see me and think me drunk. My legs hurt and felt wobbly so I didn’t have proper control over their movements. But I made it home then collapsed on the couch. I have remained here for the most part ever since.

On the plus side, while waiting for my prescription to be filled, I popped into my favourite charity shop. I undercovered 15 Agatha Christie books for just 10p each! I also picked up 3 hardback volumes containing 3 Christie novels each for just £2.50 in total! So 24 Agathas for just £4! WooHoo!

So I had a “Monday”, it wasn’t all bad though I didn’t like it much but I survived.

Psaryce x

Miles of Unspoken Words

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It was just after xmas. One of the hardest days of my life. Every minute that passed I want to hold onto as tightly as I could. Yet at the same time I wanted them all to be over at once. I wanted it to be another day; one in the future as far away from the pain as possible.

We stood close several times that day chatting about superficial things. Physically you were only an arms length away but in every other way we were separated by thousands (if not millions) of miles created by unspoken words. My heart felt like it was in a vice, tears stung the corners of my eyes and sometimes I had to go off somewhere else when they could no longer be contained. Although I fought them as best I could, I cried several times that day but never let you see. How could I?

You were moving on and moving away. I had no right to let you see my tears. I had no right to speak the words that remained silent. You had made your decision and had to respect that. I wanted to shout and scream. I wanted to cry and beg you to stay. I wanted to grab you and never let go. But more than that I wanted you to be happy so I did none of these things.

I even told you so at the very last minute. “Take care of yourself and be happy” I said. Then I went into my house, up the stairs to the bathroom and cried some more. All the words I wanted to say swarming through my mind, taunting me … reminding me what a fool I had been. I had made the hugest mistake of my life 6 months before and now I was paying for it.

Those words still remain unspoken and with the greater physical distance between us that exists they torment me even more. My only solice lies in the hope that you have found happiness. Still, I want you to know that I am still here if you haven’t.

Psaryce x