My depression is at bay once again – only just but that is something. Life however is not. I feel overwhelmed by it. Yet again, money is causing no end of troubles. Well, the lack of it. My child benefit payment has yet to arrive this week. This is not good considering how tight my budget is these days. And it angers me because it highlights in my mind too vividly my shortcomings as a mother/parent.
On Sunday, my daughter went riding with one of her friends’ mother. She had a fantastic time. Not surprising as she is in heaven anytime she is around horses. It is this more than anything where I feel I am failing her. I know she’d gladly give up all the other little things in life if she could have her own horse. And that is something I cannot give her. At least not at this point in life.
The trouble expands as I cannot envision ever being ahead of the game enough to give her her heart’s desire. The more my health issues disrupt my life, the more they impact on hers. It isn’t fair.
It is natural for parents to want to give their children all that they want. Finances limit that for everyone. But it seems so unjust when there is really only 1 thing the child wants. Especially as I know how much she wants it and how beneficial it would be for her.
I want to be a good mother. I want to be able to say I give her everything. I want to know that she is happy. I just don’t know how to make it happen.
This is a warning for anyone who does not yet have children – THINK! Think before you decide to embark on this uppy-downy path of life. It can often be quite a rollercoaster ride. When one begins to think of churning out offspring, one tends to do so with severe short-sightedness through rose coloured glasses (or in my case lavendar since I love purples). Images that come to mind are of sweet little sleeping cherubs accompanied by that distinctive baby smell which is so soft, gentle and makes you want to cuddle the baby so you can breathe it in. Cooing sounds, tiny, adorable baby clothes and tiny hands clasping huge fingers. It may even extend to imagining baby’s first steps. However, the vision rarely (if ever) goes beyond the toddler stage into proper childhood, pre-teens, tweenies, teens, etc. No it tends to linger in those very early, short years that make up a fraction of the child’s life. This aside, the vision also neglects the realities of all the equipment needed and certainly never includes the cost of all thi stuff (moses basket, cot, car seats (yes, plural as you need more than one), buggy, highchair, play equipment, toys, bathing tubs, the list could probably go on indefinitely!).
Don’t get me wrong though. I LOVE MY CHILDREN & WOULD NEVER REGRET HAVING THEM. But I do wish I had received some sort of warning, even the tiniest peek of what to expect or more poignantly what was to inevitably come. At least I could have been better prepared – for this …
After insisting that I pretend to be her kitty, she tortures my head with a brush and a hairband to get it into this style (btw my hair isn’t really long enough for this so it was a bit painful!). As a parent or even as a human being, we will never know what logic there is in a child’s mind at the best of times. However, calling me kitty, having me meow and then making me look like a Yorkshire Terrier … well that just doesn’t make sense!
So YOU at least have been warned! Do you already have a sweet little baby or toddler? Your time will come 😉