Tag Archives: regret

On Regrets

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Most of my life I never had any feelings of regret. All that had happened, all I had done had lead to where and who I was. How could I regret any of my decisions when they gave me 3 beautiful children? Lack of regrets didn’t mean I was happy, it just meant that I understood that I wouldn’t have my children.

In the years since my last marriage broke down, as I have been on my own and learning more about myself, small doubts and some big regrets have crept into my mind. Over choices I made, opportunities lost leading to a barrage of “What if?” questions.

Some of the regrets are about things that would not have impacted on having my children – those are the most difficult ones I am trying to cope with. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment over some of the things I have done. While I know I cannot change my past, I still struggle to accept those decisions.

Depression. I face this demon on a daily basis and it highlights and intensifies all the negative thoughts of my past. It tries to make me think I would not be alone if I had made different choices. That I would be loved and happy. It causes my already low spirits to plummet and I find tears streaming from my eyes without any warning at times.

Music can have a huge impact on my moods. Often the songs from my past that I love the most are the ones that bring back so much pain. Maybe it is a form of self-harm or perhaps I am just trying to face those demons but I cannot resist listening to them. They take me back to my younger self and all the emotions I felt at the time. Some are just general but others take me to a specific event (those are the hardest).

I realise now that I had depression even back then – in my teens. I lacked confidence, was very naive and gullible. I felt no direction and lacked any focus other than to escape my own self. My actions were spontaneous, rash and reckless. Had I known then just how free I really was, I cannot imagine where I would have taken myself in life.

But I know all this reminiscing is pointless. It serves no purpose other than to cause me pain and regret. I hate the idea of regret. I’d prefer to take responsibility for my actions. I made those decisions after all – no one else did.

But what if there is a point to this emotional self flogging? What if it is necessary in order to move forward in my life? Could the fact I have never forgiven myself for mistakes be a part of the cause of my depression? What if it can lead to me gaining confidence and eventually being able to feel strong and able to face more of the obstacles life throws at me?

What are your thoughts? Does any of this ring true for you? Have you been through a similar process? If so, how did it turn out for you? I’d really like to know!

 

Psaryce x

 

 

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What Do You Do With Guilt?

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I have never regretted anything I have done in my life before. I always stuck by my decisions knowing that they were the best choices at the time they were made.

Now I find myself in a position I’ve never been before. I regret a whole load of things I did over a period of a year or so. I regret not only my actions but my reactions, thoughts and words as well. I also regret a few things I have done or said recently. This feeling is so foreign to me. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how it has happened.

It had been lingering under the surface for weeks but then it hit me suddenly yesterday and with such force bringing guilt in its wake. I didn’t handle it very well I must admit. It felt like my soul had been stabbed violently several times. I could do nothing but sob. I tried to reach out to the one person who matters despite knowing that was the one person I had done the most damage to. Also I was going about it the wrong way. That made me feel foolish and more guilty so I sobbed even more.

I haven’t felt that down in months. Usually my pattern of depression is that it builds for a few days or a week before I get trapped in its clutches. It gives me time to fight it. But last night it just pounced on me mercilessly and without fair warning. I awoke this morning with a pounding head; feeling like I have the worst hangover of my life. I feel drained, depleted and ashamed.

Depression is tricky like that. You start making progress in your life. You begin to feel better, more in control and even happy. Then something can set it off and you feel back to the beginning again. It is an awful disease. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

And now in the cold light of the morning I still have to figure out what to do with all this guilt. I think I’ll start with some Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.

Psaryce x