Depression has its hold on me for certain. I’m doing my best to avoid thinking about legal & medical problems, but nothing can distract me from thinking of him. And I am so angry at myself. At how I pushed & pushed until he was gone. At how I didn’t open my eyes to what I really wanted until it was too late. At how I naively thought I could change his mind. No. Worse than that, I thought if I offered him the opportunity, he would be happy and want to come back straight away.
But he didn’t. And I feel devastated. Nothing has any real meaning any more. Days go by but nothing really happens. I am numb. I don’t feel anything but despair. I have tried many times to take the advice I’ve been given and “do something just for myself”. It only serves to depress me more. Everyday I saw, hear or read something I would have shared with him. Every time I realise once again he is not here to share it with. So many times I have wanted to ask him a question but cannot. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of him. All those memories taunt me. They laugh at me and ridicule me. I plummet further down.
It isn’t that I don’t feel I am worthy of my own attention. I can do things for myself and for my own benefit. That isn’t the problem. I took everything for granted and then chucked it away. And now the real problem is I want it back. I don’t need it, but I want it. I can survive on my own, I just don’t want to. I want to share my life with the man I love. No one else compares to him in my heart. I kick myself for forgetting what he truly means to me. Then again I thought we had a bond that could never be severed. It could fray and wear in places but I always thought it would be repairable.
How stupid was I to believe that?
I don’t polish my nails very often but sitting here just a bit ago I was. I had just finished one hand (the easy one) and went to light a cigarette (yes I know, I know!). And I thought of how an ex of mine used to get very spasmodic about me flicking the lighter with “wet” nails as if they would burst into flames. Back then, I was “in love” (or so I thought) and chalked it up to his being a man and not having experience of nail polish and all that girly stuff. On reflection, though, I find myself thinking “Did he have no common sense?”!
I once saw a comedian on the telly, years ago, talking about the need in today’s society to have (and hand out) “Stupid” signs. To him there are people for whom manufacturers put instructions for how to use their products on the products themselves. For example, shampoo bottles have “directions for use” on them. It really isn’t necessary to write it out … “Lather, rinse, repeat”. Most 5 year olds have the concept down pat but probably couldn’t actually read the instructions. So why have these directions on the products?
Well the comedian explains it is for “stupid” people and these people should be given a sign to carry around with them at all times in order to warn everyone else that the are “stupid” and need basic, common sense instructions. He then proceeded to discus scenarios of stupidity and of passing out “stupid” signs with a catchphrase of “Here’s your sign”. His accent being a “Redneck” Southern American drawl only adds to the ridiculousness of people so lacking in common sense that they need a sign.
I confess I have come across people at times and wished I could give them a “stupid” sign; their behaviour or comments just simply warranted one. Like my ex would reacted as if I had dowsed both my hand in petrol (gasoline), leaving a trail throughout the house and was about to blow us both up. Just because I lit a cigarette with my right hand while having just polished the nails of my left.
But like I said, I thought I was “in love” so I overlooked this. Love promotes tolerance of stupidity. Love promotes forgiveness of ignorance. We should all love more.